It was something I've never heard before and it certainly wasn't quite of the genre that I would normally listen to, but listening to Adam sing this song, somehow I felt the song. It reached out to me in a way few songs do.
Went mad seeking out the various versions of the song avail on Youtube and also found the lyrics. I listened to the many versions of the song again and again and I started to weep with no apparent reason. It took a bit but I finally realised why I was so fascinated and obsessed with the song. I connected with "Mad World" because of the lyrics.
I completely identified with the song and at some points in my life I have felt this way. Repeatedly.
Out of place, uncomfortable, miserable, I've experienced the morbid emotions of wishing I were dead and gone from this world.
At one stage I felt so unhappy and dissatisfied with my life that I wished I were dead every single fricking day.
~
Mad World
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
~
You want to know what the most crazy thing is?
Once in a while, I actually still feel this way...
Just last week a colleague resigned within 24hr. Was working in the night so I didn't get to witness what exactly happened but the story goes something like this:
The colleague's a foreigner and her husband who works in the IT field got laid off 24hr after his company announced that they were looking into a paycut.
Not sure exactly what was the actual scenario but to cut the long story short, the colleague's husband had to leave Singapore, and she had to leave immediately with him.
She actually could have probably stayed here while he left the country since her job's still intact but I suppose it had all happened in such a short span of time that there really wasn't much room for her to consider her options. To stay in Singapore and try to strike it out all alone must have left cold chills in her heart so there was really not much choice but for her to quit her job and leave as well.
This was the neon signboard that was finally being lit up right before my face. The world is really faring badly now and this is really the time to be cautious. All around us there are dangerous swamps, the lucky ones hang on to whatever they could to keep afloat; the unfortunate ones get their feet stuck in quicksand and sink in the blink of an eye.
Ironically, the world economy's slowdown is precisely the reason for my increased work stress. A million and one new promotions and initiatives have come up in the face of lowered demand and slimmer profit margins. There are stakeholders and shareholders to be satisfied and we are scrambling to bring up the revenue, so we are now chameleons in training, ever changing and always adapting to something new in the renewed efforts to increase sales and instill loyalty. Loyalty, now more than ever before, seems to be in focus. We can't help if customers don't fly but if they do fly, we pray fervently that they would fly with us and contribute to our revenue.
It gets really tiring and frustrating sometimes. If I go away but 2 weeks and come back it might actually seem like I went off for a year. 3 days is enough to create 100 emails and there are constantly updates about what's changed.
The challenge of coping up with changes was part of the allure of the job, but now, I'm not sure if the challenge is still quite as attractive for me.
It does not help that I now work at night. I realised one thing. At night I'm awake but not quite as alert, and definitely not half as efficient as I was before. There's a sloppiness in how I deal with cases that was not there before. I fear that the slugginess would one day do me in. Everything is starting to become a drag and I really have to work on it to bring some motivation and discipline into myself.
I can only hang in there now. Hang on for the ride and pray for the best. I hope the storm blows over soon, before I get swallowed by the storm and lose myself. I pray for the strength to carry on and I hope everything gets better before I lose the battle and decide to give up and move on, right at a time when I'm most needed.
Just found out that the long anticipated and prayed for bonus will not come. While it was sort of expected given the track record of this place I work in, it still created sour feelings. What does a token of appreciation entail actually?
Being a virgin employee I have never come across situations as such and really don't know what to expect. I grew up thinking AWS is something standard for all companies, and that bonuses came at the end of the year. How naive right?
Sigh... I can just anticipate the "I told you so" response when I break this to my mother and my brothers. She's been encouraging me to leave forever and I'm the who's stubborn enough to stick on. When am I ever going to find the rational being that I know is in me somewhere?
On a brighter note though, am really glad they have finally promoted some of my colleagues. Am so happy for the few of them, it's been so long coming and they really deserve the promotion. Congratulations Fadhilah!!!
On another note, my transition to the night team seems to have gone on quite well. Love my teammates in Titan and am really grateful for all their support. Can you believe that by now I have been in the night team for more than a month officially? Wow, time really flies. It seemed like only yesterday that it was announced and here we are, more than one month in the team.
Am still trying my best to adjust in the night though. It's just really different. There aren't so many teams so it's not very often someone would come up and ask a question but then again I could tell that my concentration level for the day and the night is not the same. At night I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes I can choo choo like a train, sometimes I am like a sampan with no oar on it.
I think what I miss most about the day would be the people. All the colleagues in voice and non voice and even the clients. I loved running around you know, getting the answers to the questions posed to me if I didn't immediately have the answers myself. Now running around at night will just be either 1)creepy cause someone might think I'm a ghost 2)completely pointless cause there's no one to run to anyway.
Am now trying to focus on the positive and am trying to resolve as many leave issues as I could for my teammates. It's tough cos we don't have enough teammates to go around as it is, but there are always still people who would like to go on leave. We can't tell the staff that they can't take leave since it's an entitlement, so I'm now spending quite a proportion of my time dealing with the leave issues. Hopefully most, if not all, get a happy ending. =)
Don't think I'll ever be as happening a TL as BC but here's hoping that Titan will still embrace me as a TL they like.
Had actually described my relationship with my work in such a way before to a colleague. I love my job as though it were a man I was deeply in love with. I dedicate myself fully to it, heart and soul and to the extent that it doesn't matter that I come back on weekends and put in additional hours, and it doesn't matter that I go home late and often had to resort to cabbing on my own expense. In fact, in an effort to do my work better and to be nearer to work, I took up the opportunity to rent a place nearby though I live right here in Singapore.
All of a sudden, a few months ago, I realised that I have been made a fool because of my love for something that could not love me back. It was like a switch, all of a sudden a light went out. Perhaps that is what a paradigm shift is really all about.
I really LOVED my job. I loved it like I loved my Mum and my brothers and my friends but love could bring about the deepest pain. I would have rather it was a deep infatuation so it wouldn't have hurt as bad but hey, no pain no gain, and as a colleague said, I've grown because of this. I may have become more jaded and even more sceptical but at least I'm less guillible compared to before.
My love for my job and the challenges it gives me made me blind to the faults of it. It didn't matter to me before, no matter how shitty the cases were, no matter how much I was bugged, I always found the strength to carry on. More recently I have failed to find that same motivation. I still do what I can, but I have developed now a sense of heckcareness. What good does it do me to put my heart into it only to have my heart smashed into smithereens?
Changes, there are so many changes, and not all are good. Frustration builds up but I'm still somehow too stubborn to go. Why is that? I ask myself, when and where is my limit? I have no answer as yet...
Life however is dropping me hints even when I refuse to take them. While I am not actively looking out for something else people in my family just happen to find something suitable for me, one after another.
Is this a sign, even in bad times such as this?
I ponder and I wonder, time and again.
My love for this "man" has waned and dimmed into a sense of deep companionship. I'm so used to it and so comfortable doing it that I'm actually quite complacent with it. After all where would I apply the same knowledge if I leave this comfort zone?
Am going into the night team soon and honestly, I don't know what to expect. Am praying now that all things go well and I won't fall asleep at work.
Perhaps this change, for once, is for the better? Only time can tell...
Was going about much of the same way today, send escalations, answer questions, send escalations, answer questions, then all of a sudden, my CPU and my monitor were moving in front of my eyes.
Think my entire face must have turned pale or maybe my expression looked weird cos the 2 guys who were asking me questions about work suddenly started asking me how I was.
It was just so sudden, out of nowhere I just got hit by a dizzy spell and all I could feel a rush. Hady said it could be a blood rush, Jack didn't comment but just asked if I was ok.
I was suddenly really scared and miserable. What's happening to me?! And then it wouldn't go away after a minute. What made it worse was, there I was, looking like something was wrong and still people came after me to ask questions and request for solutions. Don't they have a bit of compassion for others and give me a minute? Would it hurt to ask the question later or is it such a burning issue that it has to be solved pronto, dead or alive?
I recall only one instance when I had a similar spell. There was this one time when I stood up very abruptly and I got giddy too. This time it was different though, I could literally feel something rushing up (perhaps to my brain) and I didn't know what triggered it. Was it high blood pressure? Low blood pressure cause of no lunch? Or worse, an aneurysm?
I quickly placed myself on meal on my aux code and went off slowly to breathe a bit and get a toilet break. But even moving very slowly I still felt off balance for awhile though the worst of it wore off after the first few minutes. Is this what they term as vertigo? Don't think it's as serious as that, so what is this then? Will going to a doctor help to offer me some answers?
Think this is just my body protesting and telling me I need to take things more easily. I need to learn to take a break and relax. I need to be less angry with crazy members. I need to stand up for myself. I need to be less of a female gladiator at work and occasionally learn to even eat snake a bit.
For those who didn't know I work in a contact centre as a team leader and we are considered part of the travel industry. What with the BKK issues and also the BOM issues we have been going crazy and calls are just ringing off the hook. Members are getting upset and hurling abusive words already.
Unfortunately for us we serve a big group of selfish people who believe they are self entitled. They come from a multitude of different fields and backgrounds but many of them really do share some very similar traits, cheap, demanding, conniving, haughty etc etc.
Some members are nice, but most members have their own agenda and they may be the most glam and supposedly rich people in person but over the phone they all become the most nasty of beasts and creatures.
Occasionally when I meet a most horrible one I question why I'm still around taking all this crap from these SOBs but everytime I face a nice and appreciative one I am reminded of the reason why I'm still around. There may be horrid people in the world who are not worth a second of my time, but there are also always people out there who genuinely need help. If not for people like my team and myself who will serve all these deserving people?
To all those nasty shitass people who call us just to scream and shout and demand, don't you know that people are always more willing to help if you are nice and not if you are nasty? Why do you need to do stuff that make us curse and swear at you behind your back? Why do you always need to push your luck and be so bigoted to think that we live to serve your every whim? I don't owe you anything and my company doesn't owe you anything so back off!
To those who ask why is it that our service agents are not more senior and knowledgeable, have you given our staff a reason to stay? Why should we stay longer in this company to take your crap? If you question my worth and contribution in the company then why should I still be here? Why don't I go somewhere where I can be more appreciated by the people that I serve and not get shouted at and pressurised on a daily basis? And if people are always leaving and attrition is high who will be experienced enough to provide an answer to all your questions and demands?!
We'll all leave one day and when we leave, it just means that the next person will move forward to take our place. No one is indispensible and no one is expected to stay for truly very long. The vicious cycle never stops for no one can handle all this shit forever.
So wake up and smell the flowers you crazy members out there! Without us to serve you, you don't even get anything at all, so appreciate what we are serving you on a platter on a daily basis.
There are a hundred and one million things to do, but cos of the changes in our office there are now less people to share the burden with and of course more stress to go with the work.
I just want to find a place and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!
I imagine myself in the middle of a tropical rainforest and when I scream all the birds will fly out of the trees in shock; I shout in front of the great sea at a beach and all the fish will be scared out of water.
The thing is there isn't even a decent place where I could really scream and destress. Wherever I go in Singapore there are bound to be people and if I dare even shout people will think I'm gila and send me to IMH.
Sigh...
What am I going to do? I feel so tired on a daily basis and it gets more and more dreary to turn up for work. As it is I count two complaints on my account due to poor follow up.
I couldn't help it, how am I to finish so much escalations, field a thousand questions, do transaction monitorings, handle all the admin and HR issues and not feel like I'm a candle which has been burnt to the wick?
And on top of the workload there's also the issue with my Grandmother. I used to be able to stay back later to clear work but I do that less now as I have to sometimes leave earlier to make it in time to go to the hospital to visit her before visiting hours end. But if I don't stay back my escalations cannot get done. Now, cos of the team I'm heading, even if I do stay back it doesn't help at all, I still have to answer questions endlessly as there are still people in my team who are at work when my shift ends.
I really really prefer the time when I was in the 7am shift. Though it was unexpected to me to be placed in that shift but it was a blessing. Wonderful to be able to go home earlier. And even if I went home later it wouldn't actually be as late.
I still have unfortunately quite a lot of TMs to be done. But it does not seem like there is ever a time to do it.
Imagine my anger when a team member from another team came over to ask me some question and dared tell me that her team leader was doing TM!! I need to do TM too! But I don't do it at the expense of other team leaders and neglect my own team when anyone from my team has questions.
I really need to become less of a sponge. Why should a case which has been handled by another TL be handed over to me halfway? Is it even fair to do this to me? And the worst thing is I have too much backbone to follow suit, throw the cases that were escalated to me from agents from other teams back to their TLs.
Now, I'm trying to slowly cultivate the practice of turning them back to their TL. We each have our own workload and there is no reason why I deserve more work than others. If I receive a task for everything that I'm asked to do I believe I can top the task list in task closing.
But the fact is, my tasks seem to be not moving. I clear one task and more come through. It's a can of worms after another can of worms.
When can I stop being bugged? Physically, emotionally and mentally?!!
That's why today I went crazy. For a moment I wished I could be fired and I voiced that out in front of my director!! I said that if I was fired I didn't have to worry about the 2 months notice period.
How crazy have I become to say this in front of her at a time of such economic uncertainty.
Seriously speaking though, I wish I could really take a rest. Have one day where I can stay at home all day, no need to go to gym, tuition, work or anything at all. Just complete relaxation at home.
When will this day come before I really turn crazy??!!
I know the DEC hols is out, in fact my schedule has even been altered so that others who are taking leave will be covered by me.
Woe is me!!
I can only hope and pray, a million and one times that my CNY hols can be approved. If not, if not I might really just go nuts with the non-stop work.
Am I coherent to you? I fancy all of a sudden that I'm jumping from one topic to another and there's no complete link. Am I still making sense to anyone?
Exhausted, I'm completely beyond bushed and on top of my fatigue I have a numb and frozen shoulder due to the stress. I need to relax, I need to go off and rest but when will that be?
Mingmei is so tired she wants to cry and laugh at the same time. No more, no more, I wish for there to be no more pain, no more stress, no more despair...