Diet Overall Goal : Eat More Wisely (Eat to Live) Action Items : Can't think of more targets I wish to achieve this year, but these are quite enough for the moment I believe. Hopefully by setting down specific achievable targets I could help myself to see the way to achieving my aims. Good luck Mingmei! Hope 2011 will be the year where I can learn to do things better and be a better person overall!
My work life, especially in year 2011, is like a car on a slip road, spinning out of control and completely out of focus.
I could feel the toil all the issues and workload were on me, and I simply dragged on, sometimes perhaps without realising that I'm dragging all the people who rely on me down as well.
In my own narcissistic thoughts I believed that others need me very much, and in thinking so I never even dared to dream of leaving at such a time of need.
But who knows, perhaps my departure would have been the best thing to happen to all the colleagues who work around me...
I feel like SUCH a failure and I'm depressed about it but I simply don't know how to actually begin to improve.
Nothing I do seemed to have been enough. I try, I try my hardest to fulfill the needs of the staff under me and everyone is so very accommodating and understanding when I fail in doing so that I'm guilty of taking everyone around me for granted.
Why is it so difficult for me? Why does it seem like I have so much to do? Is it because I am disorganised? Is it because I am a sucker for cases? Is it because I think too highly of myself? Is it because I try to do everything so much so that I end up achieving nothing?
There is unhappiness amongst my people, but I don't know how to make things better, and I won't know how to fix things or take appropriate actions if people don't share with me the truth, or give me constructive feedback on what to do to improve things.
I swivel between being burnt out and crazy, overly sympathetic to complete apathetic, and it pains me that even those that I feel I am close to are only close superficially.
What is real? Who are true friends around me? If we are friends why not tell me what my flaws are?
As painful as it may be to hear what my flaws are, it hurts infinitely more to hear it from a third party.
I wish I could be a better DM. I know I have my limitations and I know I have many moments of weaknesses. I wish I were strong enough to be the roof and shelter for all the staff who work for me and under me but alas, that seems to be a pipedream.
How can I become more effective? How can I be the DM that I truly want to be, one who can CARE and take care of my staff, as I would like to be?
I'm tired, truly so tired, and all the amount of escapism I have done in the last 6 months or so have shown me that I'm not really ok. No amount of escapism can help me to truly escape and there is only one escape route.
I will hold out and still try to stay strong, if only for the sake of the people who still rely on me and still need me.
All the Gods above please give me strength...
Bodoh, idiot, 바보, 傻蛋!!!
Gave myself some mini tests to gauge how far backward have I gone. I passed the running test I gave myself on Mon, (though with considerably reduced stamina) but I failed last evening's test!
OMG I'm so stiff and cumbersome, my 'tyre' is sticking out more than ever, so I have problem with some of the moves. This has not happened before so I'm freaking out!
This is majorly bad! I have to watch what I eat and make sure I work out regularly.
I don't need the ideal weight, I just want my dignity back!
I'm gonna make sure I can do those moves! It's time to plan my exercise timetable!
Before the end of the first day of the year, it is time to at least record my hopes and wishes for the year. Perhaps at the end of 2011, I can come back to this entry and review my "progress".
Year 2010 has been a year of ups and downs. For Year 2011, I wish to gain some level of constancy and hope to cultivate a higher level of self discipline and tolerance.
I hope to also gain more confidence in myself in even more aspects and refrain from reacting in negative ways due to esteem issues.
I also want to learn to treat myself better and stop shortchanging myself.
Goals and Action Items
Weight
Long Term Goal : Hit 65kg preferred weight
Short Term Goal : Lose 10kg of weight (I've done it before so I CAN do it again! Gambatte!)
Action Items :
Work
Overall Goal : Be better at work
Action Items :
I've seen a lot of evil, heard a lot of evil, and consequently I believe I've said a lot of evil too.
There are still really a lot of things for me to learn for personal growth...
Forbearance, for one, is a virtue I need to cultivate in myself. I know I'm less impulsive compared to my school days but, perhaps it's really a very ingrained part of my character, I'm still prone to rush into things cause I'm too passionate about it.
It could be things pertaining to work cases, making a personal stand about values and principles, expressing an opinion etc etc. Guess the only thing I haven't rushed into is a relationship. ;p (Ironic and funny, cause people my age are all beginning to rush into embracing their love lives, while I pace, too leisurely, at the door of love...)
I should also learn that ideals of integrity and fairness can be obsolete to some people. Perhaps it's the education, I always thought such notions are universal. I've learnt a hard lesson that not all believe it's compulsory. Some might see it a necessary evil and some may see the absence of it as no big deal at all. It is a bitter pill to swallow for me and I'm still trying to swallow it...
I must learn to be quiet and just listen when my opinion is not required. Sometimes my advice and contribution on an issue matters to and is valued by others; other times what I say is really not important.
My bro told me that I'm a cynic at heart, so what I say comes out more negative than positive most of the time. While I don't fully agree, I have to say my advice can often be blunt, to the point, and too rational and pragmatic at times. (Another irony, haven't I been told that I'm silly and childish at some point?). So when in doubt I should err on the side of caution and keep mum...
Most important thing I need to learn to cope better with 2011 is to See no Evil, Hear no Evil and Speak no Evil.
No matter how upset I make myself I'll never be able to determine and control certain things in life. The only way out is to ignore such stuff and just focus and do what I need to do.
I sincerely hope 2011 is going to be a better year where things will go more smoothly. I need to learn to live more happily and give myself more purpose in life. Love myself so that I can give others more reason to love me too.
May 2011 be a better year for one and all and may all the regrets of the year end with the end of 2010...
Sometimes the truth hurts and ignorance instead is the ultimate bliss.
I'd rather stay in the dark than know and be left in such a state of torment.
This is clouding my mind day and night and there's no peace for me in my heart and mind...
It took me a long time to come to terms with things the last time, how much longer would it take this time since I know the whole truth?
The truth hurts like a knife in your front and you can do nothing but bleed to death slowly and painfully...
I thought no one knows something's wrong but it turns out everyone knows but everyone's just turning a blind eye.
Is it right to live with so much wrongness? Can I stomach it all? What's going to happen when I can no longer stomach this?
By now I finally know that talking about it won't help.
I can only chide myself for being naive and foolish.
I wish things didn't have to be so clear and I didn't need to be further disappointed or disillusioned.
I've been raised to believe in fairness, equality, justice and hard work, and to be honest, I've never seen such darkness in my 27 years.
Why would anyone support something so wrong at all?
Everything is so conflicting and bleak at the same time.
I have to get over it. If I can't make myself accept it then there is only one way left.
Guess I have suspected it for months, just didn't want to believe that it can be true.
I would have been better off not knowing for sure, for now that I know, it's all the more difficult to ignore it and pretend everything's fine...