I really totally hate this! Been bugged by the flu bug for the pass 4 days, that's already longer than I'm used to in being the slobbering, snivelling, dripping mess that I am now.
He found out that I used his laptop to upload some long overdue photos onto the Web and blew up because of it. He wanted to know why I didn't bother to ask his permission to do so.
Truth is, I did ask, only, he did not allow me to. He wanted to know why I didn't ask again. Said he would have gave in and allowed it then. I wanted to know why he wouldn't allow it in the first place.
Maybe my brothers don't know me as well as I hoped for them to be. Maybe I don't know them as well as I feel I do. I'd never have asked to use his laptop at a time that inconveniences him.
I asked him one evening when he was using his laptop. My question was simple, just whether if I could use his laptop for that purpose and not whether if I could use it there and then. Perhaps it was truly a lack of connection and communication, hence his interpreting me incorrectly. Or perhaps he was just trying to deny his blatant refusal. I would like to think that I can recognise a blatant and straightforward 'no' whenever I see one.
It's sad that such a simple thing could have escalated to such an argument. What would I have done myself?
Many years ago I probably would have blown up like him. Since then I have learnt more about the joys of caring and sharing. I still wouldn't like it if he touched or read something very very personal but I would like to think that I no longer would scream at him for using the computer or my phone or reading my book etc should he need it.
It's true that it's not justifiable for me to just jump in and use his laptop.
I hesitated before clearing the history. Like he said, he probably had other avenues thru which he could have known about my usage but the history was one big obvious clue if ever there was any. I personally felt he could have ignored it, but he chose not to...
It is largely my fault I guess. When he was much younger, I was such a selfish pig all the time towards him, I didn't know better then, and I was the guru of favoritism. I didn't like him too much and kept brushing him off, disallowing him to touch my stuff or me etc. I feel my actions then were in part the cause of what he had turned out to be today. Though I have since reformed, no man on Earth could have access to Harry Potter Land's time turner to change what we could have done wrong. No man or woman can live to say that they truly have no regrets in life. I only wish I had fewer of them. Less emotional burden that I carry around to remind myself of all of my faults, my contributions to others' perceptions of me, warped or normal...
Now, it's time we go back to the million dollar question. Would he or would he not have allowed me to use his computer had I asked nicely again. If I were to be honest to myself, I would think that he wouldn't. It's the whole reason why I hacked into his computer in the first place, cos I couldn't put my trust in believing that he would eventually give in. I couldn't wait till the time he would pity me enough to allow me to invade his precious territory.
Then again, he said he would. Despite his track record on 'selling fish', I'm going to trust him on this. I apologised, probably have to do that again cos my tone did get bad somewhere in the middle of the 'conversation', and I truly hope that the next time I made a request for a loan of something he would remember what he had said today and allow me to use it...
Well, guess this is in part due to my inherent laziness and in part due to my been so preoccupied and caught up with things.
Let's see, what have I been up to...
On Wednesday night, after my tuition session at Timothy's, I went off on my first till-late dance session at Zouk near Orchard. Went with Zhixian and slept over at her place afterwards. Was worried that Ma might be worried about me if I came home in the early hours. Does that make sense at all? Ha ha...
Didn't realise that Zouk was actually near the Grand Corpthorne Hotel, and certainly didn't expect there to be so many people there on a week night. It's Wednesday for goodness sake and despite the fact that it's Mambo night and Ladies night (free entrance for us ;p), I still didn't expect to see the crowd that I saw. It's interesting what you can see in a setting like that.
Drunk, half stumbling people (one guy puked on the dance floor and had to be supported out by his friend who kept mumbling semi-apologies and flashing apologetic looks at everyone), people who sang along to almost every song played (there was this group of three guys next to us at one point, and, according to Zhixian, they spent the better half of the Carlsberg Ad song serenading it to me. "I love you baby, and if it's quite alright, I need you baby..." Too bad I was too busy trying to shield Zhixian from the wolves to notice, hahaha...), people who didn't look the least happy to be there (There was a guy who looked so sulky and black-faced that I seriously wondered what the hell he was doing there. Maybe he couldn't take it that his supposed gorgeous Engineer hunk of a friend got all the attention from the girls, haha...).
I for one had fun dancing the night away. =) I couldn't really drink due to my allergy so I didn't. (At least not much anyway. *grins secretively*) I simply spent the whole time on the dance floor dancing away with Zhixian, siaming people when we were in the way, observing the one or two cute guys and weird guys/girls on the dance floor. We even saw quite a no of familiar faces. Eunice's senior Wenyun was there, Jasmine from Nanyang was there, and apparently Daphne was supposed to be there too, only we didn't really bump into her. There were really too many people out there.
We popped out of there around 2 plus I think and took a cab back to Zhixian's place. Really grateful to her for allowing me to crash.
Oh ya! One more thing, really loved the soup she cooked for the 2 of us. It was delicious! I seldom really add ingredients to the fast cooked stuff I've got at home cos we hardly have got anything worthy to be used as ingredients. Heh heh, intend to buy one can of canned soup and some ingredients and make the soup for myself one of these days...
I almost forgot! I loved the Cheng Teng Auntie made for us to. From the time when we were young, whenever I went over to her place I was very well fed. Very grateful to her and her family for being such great hosts! When I have the chance, I definately would want to return the favour!
It was a pity though that Xinrong couldn't come along with us. It would have been fun. Sigh...
The next time we go clubbing, think we should really get more people to go together cos it is really quite sad when it's just the 2 of us...
Intially intended to update on Thurs, Fri and today but it seems I have already written too much. Oh well, tomorrow then! Nighty night......
That was probably because I was beyond shagged; I was dead tired. Who would have known that a day in Sentosa could be so tiring? I must have looked the way I felt cos my bro didn't argue at all and prayed to the Tian Gong and the Guan Yin on my behalf. After I recovered enough to think logically, I must admit that I was quite touched. He's not usually so nice... Ha ha...
Presently, I'm left with a nice souvenir from my rendevous on the beach. An itch, caused by the sunburn that's left near my shoulders. Sigh... It's bad enough that it burns, it sucks that it has to be itchy too. Psst! *Pouts*
The Orientation@Sentosa, as our President Medelene calls it, was really quite a success if I may say so myself. Ok ok, that may have sounded a little egotistical but it really went quite well. Overall I was just glad we didn't screw up anymore than we could have. The turnout was small but manageable. Any much larger and it would have been a crowd. It was really quite a comfortable, cosy group. Crossing my fingers and hoping that these freshies and refresher coursers would remain warm and toasty towards us. Haven't gotten the photos uploaded yet. When I've got that done I'll post one here, okie?
Bye for now...
Got to go off to Pres Med's place to stay tonight. I appreciate her gesture but it can get a bit ma fan, gotta bring a lot of stuff with me. Sigh...
Got a henna print on my hand yesterday. Was wondering if no one in my family would notice at all. Could say I was a little relieved that at least one in the family noticed it. All my students noticed and asked me about it. It was diff but at the same time funny trying to explain that it's merely Indian art to my student who had just arrived from China a few weeks ago.
Worried about her. With her English it's not quite possible to enrol her into P3. She's supposed to be in P6 back in China. She really needs a lot of help. Wish I could be there all the time. Alas, I have my stuff and other students I need to work with. It's especially frustrating when I'm so tired and everyone's trying to capture my attention to ask questions. I hate feeling so tired. It makes me totally useless, not helpful to the students at all...
Hope her exam this Sat will be smooth going...
Used to have something else instead of a blog. I had my handy dandy little notebooks. I still have them with me wherever I go but it's less convenient now since I write a lot of school official stuff in there and my fellow schoolmates may read from it from time to time. I only write the serious stuff in there now.
There will come a time though, when I'm less busy with the FPA, when I'll return to my habit of writing in my beautiful notebooks. I love it better that way; much more personal and endearing...
Started writing at the end of my JC life. Was inspired to begin a scribble book/journal/diary/notebook/planner by a teacher from Hwa Chong. What he wanted us to do was quite different actually. He wanted us to keep a sort of pictorial journal, complete with little scraps. It could be a receipt, a small picture, a wrapper... You get the general idea. My book was called zu2 ji1, footsteps. Later, I stole his idea and made it my own. I started my own scrapbook, but instead of adding loads of stuff, I made it a multi-purpose book.
Ever since then I've always been drawn to palm sized notebooks cos it's always good to have extras lying around. You never know when you finish one. Think I've worked thru six or seven of them so far.
I write everything in there. When I'm bored on the MRT and I see something interesting, I make a comment; When I get upset about something and I need an outlet to vent my frustration, I rave; Depending on my mood and the time of the day and whether how convenient it is for me, I can write up to three entries a day. This, I probably won't be able to achieve up here. It's simply much less convenient.
I suppose this habit that I've taken to has contributed to my change over the years. Perhaps finding something to 'talk' to has made me feel more at peace with myself.
I will continue to write, if for nothing more than to amuse myself whenever I look back at those tiny little anecdotes, episodes and incidents that I may or may not remember...
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I am suddenly overcome by this great sense of loss and pity. I pity myself, my family, and our failure to right the wrongs that are there, whether we can see them or not.
Not all things are in black or white though; there's always a "cham", mixed up shade in between...
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For a long time I have not felt this deep chasm, bottomless pit. Even now I can't say that I'm sad and depressed enough to return to that stage. That point in my life, luckily for me, has passed.
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For the longest time, especially in my Secondary school and JC years, I was lost. I hated school. I hated the world. I hated myself. I longed for my Grandma to be there everyday to tell me that everything was going to be alright... I didn't have that anymore. I felt like I lost the right to be loved...
I woke up daily dreading the knowledge that I'm alive and that he fact I have to face the mess that is my life. The tragedy, above all, was the fact that I was wasting away but no one knew, cared or understood. I wish I could say my family were there for me. They were, as I tried to be there for them, but not in the sense where it counted...
With too young brothers and parents of an entirely diff generation, I felt so alienated and I hated myself and what I had become...
I felt like my father hated me, and my mother was too busy to care. My brothers? I hope they do care, but even if they did, it wasn't apparent.
~
A year away from school, bumming at home. It's funny how not having any purpose at all can bring a new light.
Before I hid behind the comfortable routine that was school, travelling, cca, work, thinking that being occupied was enough but there was hardly any meaning in all that I did, only numbing routine.
Friends, those who have been around long enough, noticed my change this past year. My life has become more active, more meaningful, and despite not having seen any change in weight, I have become healthier. It happened gradually but I forced myself to step out of pessimism and embrace cheerfulness, not only on the surface, but also in my heart. I wanted to live my life.
I still have problems with concentrating on school work; It's something that has become my vice, my slothfulness will never truly go away. It's has dug deep and has become part of my personality. However, I am glad for the slight changes I see in myself. I hope to become a more useful person, despite all that my family might think of me...
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What brought on the sadness?
A sudden realisation that no one understands, still. It's ironic that those closest to me do not see nor recognise the effort I try to make...
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It is sad to see how low I really am in the opinion of those I love. I try to be involved without appearing meddling. I hide my concern in my casual remarks. I never once, unless provoked, insult my brothers. I am disappointed in my family and myself, am I really such a one dimensional, nosy and noisy, useless sucker?
Luckily for me, I have students whom I adore. I may feel tired and used or manipulated in school but whenever I go visit my students, my pride and my joy, I feel the glow that at least I can help someone. At such times, the helplessness I feel when I can't help at home will diminish a little...
It's not just about the money, it's the deepest satisfaction one gets when one's students' starts obtaining better grades. The money helps I suppose. I no longer ask my mother for funds for most things. School trips, events, and unless my brother's happen to be buying as well, I buy my own stationary. I try to save. To be honest though, between food, gym and school, I hardly have anything left every week. This week I'm paying another sixty-five bucks for school stuff. It's difficult but I try to manage...
That is why, it's so extremely heartbreaking, when what I hold so important in my heart, gets degraded into nothing. My love of teaching, my hopes to lighten the load off my parents, even for that tiny little bit, means nothing to anyone but me...
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It's silly how I get affected so very easily. Still, I am genuinely upset. I hope and aspire to become the daughter and sibling that my family can look to and depend on but all I have managed to achieve is to look like a fraud. I live at home but I mean no more to my family then the neighbour next door...