He found out that I used his laptop to upload some long overdue photos onto the Web and blew up because of it. He wanted to know why I didn't bother to ask his permission to do so.
Truth is, I did ask, only, he did not allow me to. He wanted to know why I didn't ask again. Said he would have gave in and allowed it then. I wanted to know why he wouldn't allow it in the first place.
Maybe my brothers don't know me as well as I hoped for them to be. Maybe I don't know them as well as I feel I do. I'd never have asked to use his laptop at a time that inconveniences him.
I asked him one evening when he was using his laptop. My question was simple, just whether if I could use his laptop for that purpose and not whether if I could use it there and then. Perhaps it was truly a lack of connection and communication, hence his interpreting me incorrectly. Or perhaps he was just trying to deny his blatant refusal. I would like to think that I can recognise a blatant and straightforward 'no' whenever I see one.
It's sad that such a simple thing could have escalated to such an argument. What would I have done myself?
Many years ago I probably would have blown up like him. Since then I have learnt more about the joys of caring and sharing. I still wouldn't like it if he touched or read something very very personal but I would like to think that I no longer would scream at him for using the computer or my phone or reading my book etc should he need it.
It's true that it's not justifiable for me to just jump in and use his laptop.
I hesitated before clearing the history. Like he said, he probably had other avenues thru which he could have known about my usage but the history was one big obvious clue if ever there was any. I personally felt he could have ignored it, but he chose not to...
It is largely my fault I guess. When he was much younger, I was such a selfish pig all the time towards him, I didn't know better then, and I was the guru of favoritism. I didn't like him too much and kept brushing him off, disallowing him to touch my stuff or me etc. I feel my actions then were in part the cause of what he had turned out to be today. Though I have since reformed, no man on Earth could have access to Harry Potter Land's time turner to change what we could have done wrong. No man or woman can live to say that they truly have no regrets in life. I only wish I had fewer of them. Less emotional burden that I carry around to remind myself of all of my faults, my contributions to others' perceptions of me, warped or normal...
Now, it's time we go back to the million dollar question. Would he or would he not have allowed me to use his computer had I asked nicely again. If I were to be honest to myself, I would think that he wouldn't. It's the whole reason why I hacked into his computer in the first place, cos I couldn't put my trust in believing that he would eventually give in. I couldn't wait till the time he would pity me enough to allow me to invade his precious territory.
Then again, he said he would. Despite his track record on 'selling fish', I'm going to trust him on this. I apologised, probably have to do that again cos my tone did get bad somewhere in the middle of the 'conversation', and I truly hope that the next time I made a request for a loan of something he would remember what he had said today and allow me to use it...