If you are reading this, do not feel guilty, for what you read is what I readily offer for your knowledge...
~
I am suddenly overcome by this great sense of loss and pity. I pity myself, my family, and our failure to right the wrongs that are there, whether we can see them or not.
Not all things are in black or white though; there's always a "cham", mixed up shade in between...
~
For a long time I have not felt this deep chasm, bottomless pit. Even now I can't say that I'm sad and depressed enough to return to that stage. That point in my life, luckily for me, has passed.
~
For the longest time, especially in my Secondary school and JC years, I was lost. I hated school. I hated the world. I hated myself. I longed for my Grandma to be there everyday to tell me that everything was going to be alright... I didn't have that anymore. I felt like I lost the right to be loved...
I woke up daily dreading the knowledge that I'm alive and that he fact I have to face the mess that is my life. The tragedy, above all, was the fact that I was wasting away but no one knew, cared or understood. I wish I could say my family were there for me. They were, as I tried to be there for them, but not in the sense where it counted...
With too young brothers and parents of an entirely diff generation, I felt so alienated and I hated myself and what I had become...
I felt like my father hated me, and my mother was too busy to care. My brothers? I hope they do care, but even if they did, it wasn't apparent.
~
A year away from school, bumming at home. It's funny how not having any purpose at all can bring a new light.
Before I hid behind the comfortable routine that was school, travelling, cca, work, thinking that being occupied was enough but there was hardly any meaning in all that I did, only numbing routine.
Friends, those who have been around long enough, noticed my change this past year. My life has become more active, more meaningful, and despite not having seen any change in weight, I have become healthier. It happened gradually but I forced myself to step out of pessimism and embrace cheerfulness, not only on the surface, but also in my heart. I wanted to live my life.
I still have problems with concentrating on school work; It's something that has become my vice, my slothfulness will never truly go away. It's has dug deep and has become part of my personality. However, I am glad for the slight changes I see in myself. I hope to become a more useful person, despite all that my family might think of me...
~
What brought on the sadness?
A sudden realisation that no one understands, still. It's ironic that those closest to me do not see nor recognise the effort I try to make...
~
It is sad to see how low I really am in the opinion of those I love. I try to be involved without appearing meddling. I hide my concern in my casual remarks. I never once, unless provoked, insult my brothers. I am disappointed in my family and myself, am I really such a one dimensional, nosy and noisy, useless sucker?
Luckily for me, I have students whom I adore. I may feel tired and used or manipulated in school but whenever I go visit my students, my pride and my joy, I feel the glow that at least I can help someone. At such times, the helplessness I feel when I can't help at home will diminish a little...
It's not just about the money, it's the deepest satisfaction one gets when one's students' starts obtaining better grades. The money helps I suppose. I no longer ask my mother for funds for most things. School trips, events, and unless my brother's happen to be buying as well, I buy my own stationary. I try to save. To be honest though, between food, gym and school, I hardly have anything left every week. This week I'm paying another sixty-five bucks for school stuff. It's difficult but I try to manage...
That is why, it's so extremely heartbreaking, when what I hold so important in my heart, gets degraded into nothing. My love of teaching, my hopes to lighten the load off my parents, even for that tiny little bit, means nothing to anyone but me...
~
It's silly how I get affected so very easily. Still, I am genuinely upset. I hope and aspire to become the daughter and sibling that my family can look to and depend on but all I have managed to achieve is to look like a fraud. I live at home but I mean no more to my family then the neighbour next door...