Friday, August 06, 2004
I see a pattern now. Been complaining about being busy. Think that's cos I'm really getting rather busy during times I'd rather be free.
I teach tuition almost every night now and though I appreciate the extra money when I receive it, I hate that I'm sacrificing all the possible family time I can get for it. I used to teach only on Monday and Thursday evenings you see, just Sandy. The rest of the days we can sometimes arrange to go buy stuff together in NTUC or have dinner together. Just basically hanging out. Now I don't get that anymore.
Really, you don't miss it when you have it. I never realised it before but despite how lame it may seem to be on the surface, simply window shopping with my brothers or my Mum or all three of them, it was some sort of bonding for me. I love hanging around with them.
Not sure if they have the same sentiments though. *chuckles*
The only day I'm free is on Friday. It doesn't work for us though cos my Bro Dezhi has piano lessons and Friday evenings so that's out. Sigh...
That's why I'm seriously considering quitting my tuition job at the tuition centre.
I guess the fact that it doesn't pay too well, that everyone I've spoken to agrees that I'm underpaid, has something to do with my waivering. Another big part of it is that I'm getting more and more tired. I can just foresee the time when school starts. It would become much much worse for me.
The kids are not the most guai1 children in the world. In fact, I seldom see a group of children more crude, crafty and rowdy. They are just so paradoxical sometimes too. They tease each other mercilessly and yet they sometimes cry when it gets a little too bad. So far, think I've seen 3 boys cry, Jing Sheng, Nizam and Sio Fan. For him it got so bad that he went home early today. Think he's just all naughty on the outside but he has his emotional side as well. Felt quite bad for him today, even yesterday when he had some unhappiness with Nizam...
I can't bear to leave the kids. They are all so endearing, despite all their flaws. Yet, I wish to leave in part because of them. I'm totally conflicted.
Hope I can decide soon cos it's not good to drag it out...
I
scribbled at ;; 2:06 AM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
Dad called today. I almost didn't manage to answer cos I was busy with something. Half wish I hadn't really.
The older I get, the more I tend to agree with what he has to say to me. (Though if anyone were to mention this to him I'll deny this till the end)
It is true that I am without direction and I have very limited knowledge. I know yet I know not. Does that make sense?
I may have a tiny little bit more intelligence than the average non-too-bright student but I have no over-whelming accomplishments that I can speak of or brag of.
I am still searching I guess. Moving around in the dark, searching for my niche in the world...
~
Opps! Kenna interrupted. Now my muse is gone... Oh well... Tomorrow then...
I
scribbled at ;; 2:06 AM