Dealng with the various disappointments in life is never easy. Hopeful as one can be, you can't help but be defeated by the one thing you can't truly control, life.
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It appears that I might not be going to Bangkok after all.
Earlier this year, was meeting up with Zhixian and Xinrong when Rong mentioned about the graduation trip that her friends have been trying to arrange. There was a lot of talk but nothing really got settled cos there were quite a lot of things they could not seem to agree on. Then we got the idea to go on a trip by ourselves, the three of us on a non-planned, backpack kind of trip. We were going on a super saver trip to Bangkok for shopping and praying, budgeting at around $500 for a couple of days. We were to go visit Bangkok for shoppng and praying. I was especially excited. I've never ever been to Bangkok before, was so looking forward to the shopping....
Been religiously saving up since then, I think I came to a point where I was really happy with the savings amount I've maintained. Everytime I got tempted to buy anything at all I would remind myself that I could probably get something like that cheaper when I reach the Thailand soils... (still dreaming about bags, shirts, shoes, sports bras...)
Think at the back of my mind I knew there was a distinct possibility that our dream trip together may not materialise. However, I still allowed myself to indulge in the thought that we would be able to go on this trip, right before Xinrong steps out into society and into the real working world for good.
For awhile I was worried that cos of her contract with JAL, her training might possibly put a damper on out plans, but that wasn't the problem. Her family was going to Bangkok too sometime in July, it just doesn't make sense to make 2 trips in the same period to the same place. There were other pretty serious concerns about other stuff too. Though I had fully enticipated this possibility, I was still saddened that our dream was gonna blow (*pouf*) just like that. Was half tempted to ask if it's possible we arranged to go with her family but held my tongue, too ridiculous for me to suggest such a thing...
Still, I sincerely wish and hope we would definitely have another chance sometime in the future to go on a trip together. It'll be a good way to commerate our many years of friendship. =)
Hmm... Xinrong did suggest that we two take the trip together, though I think Zhixian, like me, won't be too keen with that idea as it sort of defeats the purpose but we'll see how it goes when she comes home from India. Still praying for a miracle on my end though....
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In commemoration of 8 years of business
Yesterday the 15th of June was officially the last day of operation of Northpoint's workout place. Funny how I've been going there for a few mths but I just can't seem to remember the actual shop name. I'm sure I'm gonna miss all that exercise I've gotten from there...
It's not just the exercise though, it's the chance that I get to truly relax everytime I go for a session. It's the only times I feel like I want to put in real effort and work to my utmost ability. It's not much but I feel better as a person, I feel less useless somehow... Nothing else seems to incite as much effort nowadays, is it due to a lack of passion? A fault in my personalilty? A tendency on my part to run away from responsibilities? Still searching for myself and my place in this world, so great so wide that it's much easier to get lost in the middle of things...
Oops, digressed too much... Was gonna go to Safra when Yian mentioned the $98/12sessions deal but that fell through. The Safra people are just trying to protect their coffers so I can't put the blame on them. Can only either try the $98/mth unlimited scheme or take up the $9 per session deal. Both don't seem so worth it to me but will probably think it through and see how. I need the exercise, besides, how boring would it be to always only go jogging. So men1.....
I'd truly miss the place and what it means to me, friendship, companionship, hardwork, fun....
All the best to Yian and co though!
Ps Found the namecard Yian gave me in case anyone of us 3 wanted to contact her, the place's called Aerobic Fitness. ;0p
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My Mum brought back a print out of some email conversation she had with my father. Again reaffirms how little my father knows of me and my character. In his eyes I probably an inconsiderate, non-helpful, disrespectful, immoral to a degree slut who can't wait for the casino to open to pollute the social norms in Singapore and be a part of that. I'd probably never redeem myself in his eyes, I probably won't want to try again. No need to go bang myself on the wall again and again and risk getting hurt all over.
Yet... Yet, I find myself sometimes still putting in the effort time and again, whether consciously or not...
I'm just so stupid............
I'm so stubborn that I think I'd carry all these baggages around me all my life, when will I ever learn to let go?
A psychologist or counsellor I saw on tv once said that it's good that you get hurt, that means that you care and your family still means something to you, one way or another. Sometimes, I really wish I didn't care so much. Intentionally or unintentionally, I always tend to seem to be the one to get hurt...
I should look to Mt Everest and aspire to be her...