Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Hei hei, I 'kop-ded' this picture from Jialing. Isn't it nice? Haha, bu yao lian, I know...
THe picture brings forth breezy feelings of freedom and happiness, euphoria, light-heartedness, and it reminds me of how much I enjoy meeting my dear friends for a simple lunch or dinner...
After my exams I'm definitely going to ask Jialing out for makan again, till then, I'll just settle for reminscing when I look at the picture.....
The photo was taken a day before my birthday, at Mos Burger. I spent a wonderful day with Jialing. Thanks for spending the day with me dear!
I
scribbled at ;; 8:29 PM
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Wedding Bells are aringing for more than one of my friends recently.
Was just minding my own business going to my UOL HRM Lecture when I met Shiqing, a friend that I made in my first two years in SIM. The first thing that she said to me was, "I'm getting married."
OH MY GOD!!!
That was the exact response I had, both in my head and my heart and I said as much. I was so happy for her! I can't believe she's getting married already, she's still so young! I knew she has a very stable 3 year relationship with her boyfriend but it still came as a shock as she's only graduating this June and her boyfriend had only started work for maybe about a year. I was really flabbergasted but in a good way. I'm really happy for her.
Then, guess what I got to hear from Zhixian yesterday? M's engaged too! I was beyond shocked and immediately climbed out of bed to go online to talk to them. Too bad Xinrong was already offline already. If I didn't expect Shiqing's announcement, I would never in a million years have guessed that T has popped the question already.
Wow! It really blew me away! Is it marriage season now? What's with everyone getting ready to be married left and right? Leaves me to think, "What the hell am I doing without even a boyfriend when the rest of the world's already off making babies and building families?"
Oh well! Like what I'd said to all my friends, you can't rush these things and if it's not meant to be then no matter what I do I'd never get a boyfriend even if I were desperate. Which I'm not (at least not yet). I'm at quite a comfortable place in life and honestly, while it'll be nice to be able to tan lian ai like the rest I can live without it at the moment. Wonder if I'll ever get to the point when I really REALLY want to have a boyfriend yet can't find one? Would I think of hiring a male escort? Hmm... *chuckles and grins cheekily*
No matter what I wish these two girls a long and blissful marriage and may they lead fruitful and wonderful lives with their partners!
I
scribbled at ;; 5:30 AM
Saturday, April 22, 2006
On Easter's Eve I went to Jialing's church to attend a small session which featured Jialing in a duet with one of her church friends. It was an interesting session to say the least. Some things with regards to myself ws pretty predictable: I was a little uneasy due to the fact that I was in a room full of enthusiastic strangers but I was most grateful to Jialing's friends due to their great efforts in trying to make me feel comfortable and at home.
Actually when Jialing messaged me to invite me to her singing performance I already knew that it must have been a church performance, and she did confirm that later. While I had a bit of reservations as I am a non-believer, I still wanted to go to lend her my support in her performance. I truly enjoyed their performance and was happy to be able to join them, though I can't say I totally enjoyed the games session... hahaahha.... ;p
After the whole thing ended I told her that I felt alone though I was in a big group. That was true to a certain extent but I guess it really wasn't that... It was likely that I felt a bit.... out of place I guess. In the midst of a big group of God loving people I felt I was part of their group yet not entirely in the group. I also realised that I am likely more cynical than I thought I was. While I was trying to join in in the singing and all I still felt... awkward, 'obiang'. It was the same case when I attended the Christmas Mass with my brother last year. While the rest of the world was touched and grateful I remained as unmoved as a boulder. While everyone was busy praising the Lord I was wondering how much of all this do I really find believable and can honest to God say I accept without question?
Sometimes I wish I had more faith in terms of religion, but it seems that in this respect I am much like a wall or a block of ice, it'd probably take a long time for me to melt myself. I question too much, I cannot bring myself to truly believe and
I refuse to become those hypocritical people who profess that they are true believers when they question it all the time themselves. My brother questioned my ability to be happy when I had no faith. I question that too but what is in a religion, what does it mean to believe? Am I really supposed to believe Jesus existed or even Guan Yin for that matter? To me, it is much like a foreign concept and is as abstract as the question of whether there is life on Mars.
I guess all of this lies with fate. Providence may one day bring me to the House of God and show me his glory and truly make me believe but before then I'd probably just remain a free thinker.
~
A friend once told me recently that I may be too naive sometimes in my ideas and thoughts, perhaps that is true, but I also think that is because I have faith, probably not in a religion, but in my friends and family...
I
scribbled at ;; 1:20 PM
Monday, April 17, 2006
Mentioned that I was going to give all the details here the next day but been a bit occupied otherwisew so haven't had the chance to have it all typed out. ;p
~
How did I manage to fail again? Hmm... It could have been the weather, my anxiousness or you could even say that it's pure providence. After all, how many times have I actually curbed during the entire course of my driving lessons, probably only a maximum of 3 times. It's just definitely frustrating for this to happen when I could have passed if I hadn't gone up that curb.
I better be more careful the next time I drive round that bend in the circuit. Sigh... Is it fate that I have to spend more money than others to learn how to drive. Better yet, is it fate that I have to spend more than others to learn everything and anything?
My Mum said that about me yesterday. She said I was always the one in the family to spend the most money, no matter what I learn. Piano, JC, SIM, everything I got involved in seem to be so costly. People take one year, I take 2 years.....
She felt I probably ought to give up. She regrets giving me the chance at learning how to drive. She's beginning to agree with my father that I shouldn't have been given the chance to learn. Why? Why ought I not be given the same chance? Is it because I'm a girl, or is he simply convinced that I'd never be able to learn how to drive? Or could it be because he feels that I'm less worthy and the money should have never been spent on me?
No matter, I care much less for my father's opinions than my mother's. For my mother to agree with him and put me down that way hurt me more than she could have imagined. That was probably why I kind of lashed out back at her. I didn't shout, nor did I cry or scream but I knew what I had said was meant to hurt her. I'm not sure whether if I did manage to hurt her with my words for they were mean but not overly so and she could have ignored them if she chose to but I still felt slightly guilty the moment I finished saying what I said. I never knew how I sometimes can be so vindictive... I probably wanted to protect myself too much...
~
Back to the test. It was over before it actually began.
I had just been through the S course, when the tester asked me to turn left, then turn left, I probably was being a bit too anxious to make the turn and didn't notice the small island there. Then, it was all over when I went up the curb. I asked the tester if we'll just stop there and then but he just said to continue. It's weird but after I had learnt that I'd failed I was exceptionally relaxed and proceeded to drive as normal. I didn't get any marks taken off my circuit drive! I also spent the entire drive chatting with the tester. Mr Tan, like the previous Mr Tan, is really a very nice person. It was really an enjoyable ride despite the fact that I'd failed. It made me less sad that I'd dissapointed my instructors again.
The first time I took the test and failed I cried. Very long and hard. It was so embarrassing as I was at a rehearsal for my play at the beginning of the year and I just broke down and couldn't stop tearing. I think I kind of scared everyone for awhile. (though soon they became quite used to my breakdowns, I was at a period in my life when I felt horribly melancholic. Not sure why, could have been something the play brought out in me...)
I took it pretty hard, I had such wonderful instructors and I had such high hopes of passing the test. My brother passed the first time so there was added pressure for me to perform. It was probably also because it happened at such a horrible time. I knew my father had lost his job and was coming back. Along with the worry of the lack of income I worried for how we were going to adapt to living with him again. As it turned out I really couldn't live with him around all the time. I was breaking down in front of my own eyes so I ran away, to my Aunt's place.
This time I waited for my instructors' shift to end to tell them the bad news. Was really guilty that the last time I simply left soon after I heard the bad news. I was just that upset. I was so ready to cry the 1st time and I didn't want my instructors to see me that way. Too bad my co-actors had to see me like that. It was so embarrassing.....
Think Mr Wee was a tiny bit frustrated for me to hear that I failed again. I got 14 marks. For those who have gone through the driving test themselves they would know that all it takes is about 18 marks and below and you'd pass. Theoretically, my driving skills passed but due to my carelessness, and probably my lack of skills too, I failed again. I wish I hadn't, I really do, but there's no use for me to stay miserable forever. I didn't cry this time but I still did beat myself up about it, I'd tried sleeping it away but for the 1st hour that night I'd spent the whole time rolling about and lamenting about how I hadn't worked hard enough to be deemed worthy of a license. I may have looked nonchalent but anyone who knew me enough would know that I'm anything but that...
Luckily for me I had a bit of money saved in my account, enough to rebook another test in June. I hope, truly hope, the next time, I can pass. I haven't got so much money to burn and I don't wish to prove my mother right in such a way again and again...
Am only going back for revision lessons in June, after my final paper on the 12th of June, so must take note to write down all the knowledge, old and new, that I have gathered in the past few lessons. One good thing about having failed the last time, I finally feel that I am really becoming a more competent driver. I notice things I failed to notice in the past, I know when to and when not to go. I'm less unsure and more confident. I hope that by the time my next driving test comes about I'd be confident enough to NOT make those silly blunders again.
3 times'a charm so JIAYOU Mingmei! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
~
Initially wanted to write about my experience in Jialing's church on Easter's eve but think I really have written way too much already so I shall leave that for another day shan't I?
Another day then, tata.....
I
scribbled at ;; 10:45 AM
Friday, April 14, 2006
The results are out, I failed in my second attempt at driving test. Sigh... I can't believe I made that kind of mistake! I shang1 curb, that's an immediate failure, sobs...
Oh well, no point crying after spilt milk, will just have to try harder for the next attempt!
Am not really in the mood to go into details today, will probably talk about what actually happened tomorrow....
Ciao........
I
scribbled at ;; 12:45 PM
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Tomorrow, the 13th of April 2006 is going to be my second attempt to get a driving license. You cannot begin to imagine how nervous, anxious and worried I am. Everytime I think about it, my heart starts to pound and my stomach starts feeling queasy.
You probably would have thought that since I have got experience under my belt I should be less anxious but it seems that I am more nervous than the last time. There are a million things that could go wrong and my driving standards fluctuate so much that there is no telling whether everything will go right or be shot to hell or not...
One thing though happened as I was worrying myself to death while I walked home tonight after tuition. Was walking along the long lonely road when at a road junction I saw Xinrong's father! I recognised him so I waved at his taxi but initially he didn't really recognise me so I thought I was mistakened so I stopped looking in his direction. It took a little while but Uncle eventually recognised me and called out to me. Unfortunately he was driving and about to turn right so he couldn't really speak to me. He only managed to tell me that Xinrong would be back tomorrow evening. It was really comical really, I was half worried yet half amused, we were trying to shout across to each other while he was preparing to turn right. It was really very qiao3 that I would have met him in this manner.
Was laughing at myself after actually. Uncle was trying to ask me where I was going initially but all I could get out was, "wo xian zai yao hui qu" when he likely was asking where exactly I was heading to, hahahaha.... All cos I'm so blur and flustered cos there wasn't really much time before he had to make the turn.
All the same, this accidental meeting really served to help me relax quite a bit. All of a sudden I forgot part of my anxiety, hopefully I can maintain relaxed and not be so uptight when driving tomorrow.
There's really no big trick to driving, the key is to keep calm and focus on all the points that I need to notice. If I place my focus on my nervousness I would be sure to lose focus on the things I need to take note of on the road and in that case not only will I not pass I might stand to endanger the life of my passenger.
I better sleep earlier tonight and pray for mediocre yet passable performance tomorrow.....
I
scribbled at ;; 12:30 PM