Oh, So Random

Saturday, April 22, 2006

On Easter's Eve I went to Jialing's church to attend a small session which featured Jialing in a duet with one of her church friends. It was an interesting session to say the least. Some things with regards to myself ws pretty predictable: I was a little uneasy due to the fact that I was in a room full of enthusiastic strangers but I was most grateful to Jialing's friends due to their great efforts in trying to make me feel comfortable and at home.

Actually when Jialing messaged me to invite me to her singing performance I already knew that it must have been a church performance, and she did confirm that later. While I had a bit of reservations as I am a non-believer, I still wanted to go to lend her my support in her performance. I truly enjoyed their performance and was happy to be able to join them, though I can't say I totally enjoyed the games session... hahaahha.... ;p

After the whole thing ended I told her that I felt alone though I was in a big group. That was true to a certain extent but I guess it really wasn't that... It was likely that I felt a bit.... out of place I guess. In the midst of a big group of God loving people I felt I was part of their group yet not entirely in the group. I also realised that I am likely more cynical than I thought I was. While I was trying to join in in the singing and all I still felt... awkward, 'obiang'. It was the same case when I attended the Christmas Mass with my brother last year. While the rest of the world was touched and grateful I remained as unmoved as a boulder. While everyone was busy praising the Lord I was wondering how much of all this do I really find believable and can honest to God say I accept without question?

Sometimes I wish I had more faith in terms of religion, but it seems that in this respect I am much like a wall or a block of ice, it'd probably take a long time for me to melt myself. I question too much, I cannot bring myself to truly believe and
I refuse to become those hypocritical people who profess that they are true believers when they question it all the time themselves. My brother questioned my ability to be happy when I had no faith. I question that too but what is in a religion, what does it mean to believe? Am I really supposed to believe Jesus existed or even Guan Yin for that matter? To me, it is much like a foreign concept and is as abstract as the question of whether there is life on Mars.

I guess all of this lies with fate. Providence may one day bring me to the House of God and show me his glory and truly make me believe but before then I'd probably just remain a free thinker.

~

A friend once told me recently that I may be too naive sometimes in my ideas and thoughts, perhaps that is true, but I also think that is because I have faith, probably not in a religion, but in my friends and family...

I scribbled at ;; 1:20 PM