The worst that I'd feared had come true. I didn't get the job in UOB after all. I wish I had but I hadn't. Why is that? WHY?
Some of my friends who have known me long enough will know that sometimes, I'm really a very kapoh person, I want to know everything, the head and tail of it all... Now, what I wish to know is where did I fail?
Was it in the first interview, where I had differing opinions about what motivates me? Was it in the second interview where I mentioned that I wasn't so confident about my image and would have to do something about it if I were to work frontline? Maybe it's cos I kept crossing my legs at the bottom? Or probably cos I kept saying 'actually' in the beginning cos I was nervous? Or maybe I had lost from the beginning when I faltered during the phone interview? Was it the minimum pay I asked for? Or is it the worst of it all, my results. Could it be that?
Of all the things that I could have improved or controlled, the school that I've come from and the results I have achieved there is something I can never change and can never improve. It's the one thing I'd have to face and not be able to brave it through.
I wish they had given me a chance.
I never knew how much I wanted the job until I lost it. The whole of last night I tossed and turned in sleep, dreaming about going up to HR and having my interviewer give me a second chance. I woke up at 6 and started to pray for a miracle. I wished that maybe someone decided to reject the job and I may be the second in line to take it up. I'm so very confident that I could do well in this job that it kills me that they have not given me the chance to try. While I can say that it is their loss, I feel that it is my loss too.
I kept thinking, could I have, at any point, fixed this? Was there anything that I'd done that was not acceptable. Cos if that were the case I'd be able to accept this better. Except I can't think of anything that I did that was detrimental enough. Perhaps I just wasn't confident enough, or maybe I just wasn't what they wanted. They'd rather take in new people who have never been in the line before than to take me in. It goes to show how unsuitable they think of me...
I think I again realised something new about me. I realised how full of pride I am, and I realised that no matter what I portray of myself I am actually confident of myself. So confident perhaps, that somewhere deep inside me I held great hopes of getting this job, very great hopes. Now that I've received THE LETTER though, all that is left is a deep regret and the greatest disappointment......
I wonder if this failure could be compared to the time when I failed my driving test for the first time? Then I had been very upset, both for myself and for my instructors. I felt that I'd failed them when they have been so conscientiously teaching me to become the best driver I can be. Now I feel that I have failed myself. Whatever it is that I did that brought about this failure, I was the cause of it. I can attribute my failure to no one but myself. I realised that I truly dislike failure. I don't hate it cos it happens all the time in life but I genuinely DISLIKE it. It makes me cry......
For the past week I had been carrying this hope, probably visible to friends and family, while I lied to myself that I wasn't hopeful at all so that I can buoy myself should I really not be selected. In the end, the buoy didn't work, cos beneath it all I was the eternally hopeful candidate, believing that I'd done well enough for them to consider me worthy...
I'm still hopeful to a certain extent, I pray for a miracle, I want to be the best damn CSO that they have ever had but that will never come true if they don't hire me...
And I was already thinking of myself as a member of UOB already too......