Thursday, August 31, 2006
I've really got the zi ji na lai fan syndrome.
I just realised that really, that sometimes I don't have to be so worried or troubled about certain things but I made it my business to worry about those shit? WTF? Am I a nutcase or what?!
There's this uncle who comes by every evening to help out at the tuition centre I work in. He's the typical last generation disciplinarian, quick to discipline children. As you can imagine this doesn't sit well with the kids at all. Today it escalated to a rather big matter and the parent came in to shout at Uncle. Wow... I thought I've seen my fair share of shouting at the centre but this makes the tops. I don't know how I got involved in this, but I did get involved. Luckily both parties settled down and we parted pretty amicably.
The thing is, after that I still was agitated and fidgetty and was terribly keen to fly home to rest, relax or do some other shit like that. I was like an ant, butting around trying to will the bus to come right this second. I kind of stomped my way back to my place after I got off the bus. What's this? I was the mediator, not the person involved, why get so pek?
Then I reasoned, could this be because I haven't been going for any exercise the past 2 weeks? I've been going to get some form of physical activity at least once a week for the past many months. Now I'm getting all this nervous energy and I've nowhere to get rid of it. It kind of explodes in my face now, I can't believe how not calm I am. I've always been a bu neng ting xia lai de ren, but more so now.
Better go work off all that energy man before it erupts in other ways and make me more of a weirdo then I already am...
I
scribbled at ;; 10:36 PM
Been terribly irritable and reclusive lately, all of a sudden wish to be away from people. Family, friends, colleagues, the lot of them. I find myself intolerable to be around, am like a spiny porcupine, defensive and offensive at the same time. (Think this could be the real PMS?)
Sometimes would lapse into times like this, times of annoyance and self-induced pek chekness. I wish I wouldn't but damn, that's me.
Sometimes, just sometimes, I like to shed the niceness and be nasty.
Apologise to all who have been at the end of my blunt, yet sharp enough to hurt, sword. I wish I wouldn't do this you know but I'm increasingly like my brother, guided by moodswings I can hardly control.
There are times I just want to curl around my book and simply read the time away. I don't want to do anything else or care about anyone else. When I get interrupted in times like this there's hell to pay.
Monosyllabic answers, sarcasm, irritation, it's all there right in the open. How to be nice when one feels like a hermit, or even worse, like shit?
THIS is the antisocial me.
~
Wonder if anyone suffers from days like this, like me?
I
scribbled at ;; 11:24 AM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Guess what? I was going home after teaching tuition when I passed by a basketball tournament going on in Chong Pang Community Centre. Pure curiosity led me to poke my head to watch the ball game. Hahaha... What kind of qiao he! Guess who I saw playing the game. One of the illustrious basketball playing classmates I had in JC.
Imagine my amusement! I wasn't shocked, had heard he was involved with some outside basketball team long ago and if my mind served me right, saw him playing in Chong Pang before. Let's see, what was my impression of the guy? (Those who were in JC with me likely didn't even have to guess to know, right?)
He's a piano playing basketball player, with a notorious reputation when it comes to relationships. He was once my ou tu de dui xiang (actually ou xiang) simply because he could play the piano and I couldn't. Hmm, he flipped right over and laughed his brains out when I stepped on those dastardy floorballs and flattened it one too many time. Oh, and he has a really penchant for butt slapping in the court. Inklings anyone? Shhh... xin zhao bu xuan ya?
It's great to be able to see an old classmate looking well but didn't bother to go greet him. No need lah, he'd think me a bother. Worse, he might have forgotten all about me and asked me who I was. For my part, I just liked watching the last part of the game while listening to an uncle beside me lamenting about how rough those guys are and how horrible they are compared to the more gentlemanly games in NBA.
Brought me to think about the others in class, hmm...
How's everyone? I have a tiny flashback of some infamous scenes I've got. I got caught dancing once by someone when I thought I was alone in class with Peixuan and Jiahui. Wonder how this person is. Very nice person, really appreciated his kindness in PE, subtle as it was.
Then there's the one who accidentally drooled in Mrs Nirmala Ong's class. Haha... Wonder how's he? Very nice person too, kind and gentle and shy, a person who at least had the courtesy to speak to me and respond.
What about Jieqi, or Huiyi, or Tingjun? Tingjun, bless her, she was also a very kind friend. Felt really bad that I didn't keep in contact. Then again , I reasoned she may not have wanted to keep in contact with me anyway. Always, always received her help in PE. No airs at all even though she is considerably more well-off.
Sigh... Suddenlt remembered another part of my school life, PE. I sucked at it, only did ok for swimming, and the only other thing I enjoyed was floorball. Though my hand eye coordination is like shit and I often smacked air, I tried my best and it was exhilarating to be accepted as part of a team. Hated it when I cottoned on that I was being xian qi-ded for being on someone's team. Even if you did feel this way, did you have to let me know? Blar....... Distasteful peeps.
Now, school life's over with. Hmm... Will be nice though to ever get a JC gathering. We're like feathers you know, while birds of a feather flock together but when you pluck them all out from the bird, it floats this way and that way and we never get back together again. Come on, I've got gatherings for my sec 4 class, sec 2 class, even my P6 class and yet nope, JC is nothing to be remembered and nothing to be gathered for. Now I wish I were a more active participant in class. If I had the means, maybe I would go organise some gathering and see if anyone would like to turn up. Would be nice to see how EVERYBODY is rather than just one, or three including my chummy sisters whom I meet up with regularly, and just by accident too...
I
scribbled at ;; 9:13 AM
Ok, I was slated to go in for an interview yesterday, actually, it's been prearranged before I got an offer and as I still am quite interested to get the job, off I went. I screwed up, I screwed this up so badly I can only thank God that I have already gotten a job.
The first cardinal rule of going for an interview is punctuality, right? Actually, that's especially so for call centres, the environment that I'll be putting myself in. You have teammates waiting for you to take over the baton so they can go home so no, there is no room for mischief, being late means being irresponsible. And while I prided on myself for never being really late before(ok, in JC there were a few times I was almost late, but nope, not ever was I very late yet for something of such serious nature), this is one time I really jinxed it.
Didn't know what on Earth possessed me! I timed it to get out early and reach at least 15 mins before time, but halfway through the journey, I realised I timed it incorrectly and based my time on a meeting time of 12 instead of 11. What?!! Oh my Lord, this is the worst situation ever! I called Cynthia, and told her the situation. Bless her soul, she was infinitely more calm than I was and told me she'll try to reach there while I rushed my big fat ass over. The place, again Chai Chee Technopark, was big, and luckily there were people around whom I could approach otherwise I would have dissolved in tears in no time. Ok ok, I would probably have cried later but the mortification of being late because of my having gotten the time wrong!! This has never happened before! Perhaps it's cause it takes about exactly an hour to travel there so I needed to give more than an hour's space and somehow spaced out? I can't bloody think of any reason why I screwed this up except that I'd a biological response against this job... This is crap.
The interviewer was a very nice person. You could tell he's a straightforward guy and would be strict with his teachings. There are many rounds to pass in this job and it's not going to be easy at all. As it is I was VERY surprised he would even speak to me, let alone allow me to go through all those tests still. Shit! I still think I failed myself. The phone interview we had, the one that tested the suitability and how quick-witted we are just proved how dim-witted I am. I am sometimes slow in the uptake, especially when I'm confused. I could also tell his female colleague was really much less happy with me for being late. Impatient and more than a little pissed, sarcastic too. Politely indifferent. (She was the one to tell me that the interviewer is very particular about punctuality) Sigh... Talk about losing before the battle. Anyway, I went through it all and Monday I'll know for certain what's the results.
What else can it be? I am certain they would not want me. I was definitely not what the female colleague would have wanted hanging around. Imagine though, I'd still be meeting these people by chance when I take up the other job, because yes, it's also in Chai Chee Technopark. When my Aunt claimed that I had an affinity with the place I still didn't quite believe it, that is, until every road led be right back where I started from.
I
scribbled at ;; 8:53 AM
Friday, August 25, 2006
It's been years since I've had a dream like this, a dream that leaves me sobbing uncontrollably until I wake and continues still after I wake. Oh the irony!!! The conscious mind wants me to awake, yet, if I had the powers in me, I'd much rather never wake again...
2 years, it's been a long time but it's been 2 years since I dreamt of her. It was such a normal dream too, I was sent on a task (there was something unusual about the task which made me reluctant to do it but that's about all the weirdness that there is), and afterwards when I went looking for her and her friends, I couldn't find her at all. It was such a typical scene, the last I saw her, surrounded by so many people, so like who she was. It took me sometime before I tracked her down sitting in a canteen with a bunch of students eating won tun mee. It was so commonplace that it was like real life, except that it wasn't and at some point I realised that the tears that started in my panic of not being able to find her changed into tears that I would never ever see her again...
I clung to the dream, desperate to see her dear face even for awhile longer in the remnants of the devastating dream, but I couldn't stop myself from leaving dreamland anymore than I can stop the Earth from turning.
I would like to think that she has come to support me. Maybe help me celebrate my finding a job? It makes me wonder about the Seventh Month and everything you hear surrounding it, except Xinrong mentioned the real Seventh Month's over already. Involuntarily, tears are still rolling down as they please, even though I'm wide and awake now, even though I'm aware it's all but a fantasy. Perhaps that's what make it hurt more, that it can never be real and I can never find her in the kitchen, waiting to console me for having such silly dreams again......
It's painful, devastating, horrible and every horrid adjective in the world but when I have used up my entire vocabulary I'll still not begin to do justice to how much pain this is.
Still, still, the masochist in me wishes she may visit more so that I can see her and pretend to know she is doing well, wherever she is.................
I
scribbled at ;; 7:57 AM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
On a much happier and less confused note, I had a great day out today with Zhixian and Xinrong!! We went out for lunch and the popped over to Zhixian's place to chat. When Auntie came back she cooked a delicious meal of Hokkien Mee. Thanks Auntie!! Always get a great treat whenever I go to Auntie's place. Luckily I don't go there so often otherwise I'll definitely be fatter then I really am. *chuckles*
Zhixian got a call from an agent to ask her to go do a presentation for her! By now the presentation should be over, hope it all went well! It's so exciting! It's such a demanding job, I'm sure I never would have managed it if I had been the one to get this job. Jiayou Zhixian!!!
Now that we three have our own work to cope with, it's going to be more and more difficult to get together. Sigh... Have to cherish every moment we can get to meet up and catch up with things.
I
scribbled at ;; 9:29 PM
Fate and providence has a weird way of working out on it's own. Went for 2 interviews yesterday, one of which left me feeling pretty hopeless and I thought, 'it's impossible that they will want to hire me now...'
There are times, when I meet certain types of people, when I'll revert back to the meek and afraid me. The person that comes up to the surface when confidence breaks and uncertainty sets in. When I saw the second set of interviewers yesterday, it was exactly how I felt. Though the lady was quite nice (she smiled at me to indicate that I'm to start first in a group of five), she was curt and, for a lack of better word, scary. Intimidating, every bit the nu qiang ren. I didn't really know what to say. She asked me to introduce myself and I faltered, I fell back to broken English even. I thought all hopes were lost.
You can imagine how surprised I was to learn today that I got the job.
What? Really? I still can't believe this. Sigh... There were definitely people who are more qualified in there, no matter how simple the job. I still don't quite see how I could have gotten the job. It's... disconcerting.
One of my interview mates apparently didn't get a call today, hopefully she'll get a call tomorrow. She's infinitely more confident in the way she carries herself and she's knows French too! Why didn't she get a call today? It made me feel even worse, cause I didn't do half as well but got a call before she did. I should have been the one living through the anxiety of wondering if I'd gotten the job or not...
Hmm... Troubled and confused, whether I get a job or not...
I
scribbled at ;; 9:15 PM
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Had dinner with my family again today. Ironically, now that I've moved out we kind of have taken more of an initiative to eat together as a family, at least about once a week.
As usual, we fell into a debate on our favourite topic, my father. My two brothers and I often hold discussion sessions (rather passionate sessions sometimes) on a whole lot of things like politics, Oprah Winfrey, family etc. Occasionally we go back to the topic of our father. Luckily our aunt(Pa's sister) was not around, she had never quite gotten our way of communicationm it irritates her to no end. ;p
Di (bless the kind soul) was commenting that we've been too harsh on him, that he's a poor soul and in some sense, we're doing him an injustice. I agree with him to a certain extent. I explained that I don't hate him, I'm just trying to avoid collision and pain, both his and mine.
I don't hate him, really I don't, I simply hate his ego and self-righteousness and unwillingness to communicate and compromise. I wish we could speak to him and have him listen for real, to hear us, to understand us as we try to do so for him. Despite my efforts in the past though, all I got in return was a deep disappointment. I am really disappointed in him.
I don't blame him for losing his job, nobody chooses that, I wish though that he would look at things in perspective and try to pull himself together. I wish with all my might that he would look into the future and use the foresight that he so prided himself on having. If only he would just listen, for once, to our views, perhaps pause long enough and not start shouting once things sound unpleasant. I wish that for once, we, his family, could be his priority and that he would think of us and worry, like we all do. Do we mean enough to him, or are we really a means to an end like he'd insinuated so many times in the past? If only there were a way to get through to him I pray to God that I would be shown the way.
Things are not totally falling apart but from January onwards I'd been feeling as though I have lost my home and my family. I took the coward's way out but I felt there was no other way. It was killing me inside and I wish I were indifferent enough for it to not hurt. I wish I had my family back... Couldn't we go back to the good old times?
I
scribbled at ;; 9:47 PM
Had the weirdest dream last night. Wonder what made me have that dream? Usually my dreams are pretty relevant to what I thought of or did in the day, this time there wasn't a remote link at all.
I dreamt that I was all alone, holding on to the hand of a child. It was a scary feeling, I felt so alone and helpless that I teared for myself and the poor child. It was one of those dreams where you feel that you could wake up from it anytime, and there was some level of consciousness, yet I clung on to the dream and dreamt on. It was a horrible feeling, the abandonment, the anxiety, the sadness. I felt overwhelmed and I was aware that I was crying in my sleep...
Then I went on to another place with this strange child and was given the task of handing out jelly to a roomful of familiar people, with a few strangers at the top of the room. The room was much like a lecture room and instinctively I knew I didn't have enough jelly for everyone. It was totally weird but I was in the dream and outside the dream all at once. I started psycho-analysing my own actions in the dream and I was pondering how right or wrong my actions were. It was weird. Looking at myself and thinking of myself in a 3rd person perspective, much like a ghost, was weird.
Gee... Wonder what had brought this dream on?
I
scribbled at ;; 9:35 PM
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Never believe me if I ever claim that I don't suffer from PMS. It's true though, that my version of it is unlike how it's like for most others. My kind of PMS is much like my brother's case, little fits of emotional imbalance. The only difference is that I TRY to limit it to only once a month so that I may have a somewhat legitimate reason for being in a hissy fit.
Ok, ok, I'm just kidding alright? I apologise, my brother does not suffer from PMS, he's just perpetually stern. ;p
And the reason I'm writing all this nonsense? Think it's my unstable state of mind. Been rather down recently and given to states of irritability. Maybe it's the confusion and the worries I've been having about my future and what I ought to make of it, or it could be all the different forms of sometimes conflicting advice I'd been given, or it could just be self torture. I realised I can really be very unforgiving to myself. Sigh... If only everything can work out the way one wants it to be in life. I've even been desperate enough to secretly wonder if I should have taken up the advice of my boss and pursue a lifelong career in teaching...
Nevertheless, no regrets here, said I didn't want to join MOE and mean it exactly as I said. Kids nowadays give teachers too much grief, and the admin, god the admin work definitely doesn't help. Can only try and try again and take on the motto: Never Give Up!
Treated Dequan to a birthday buffet dinner last Sat night. A part of me really wished I could have treated him to something better. I knew, that for the sake of my coffers he'd chosen something more affordable but I would really rather pay more to give him a really great birthday dinner you know? Felt a bit helpless that as a Sis I couldn't even give him a wonderful treat. He even thanked me you know, thru sms. My Ma always liked to say that he's much like my father but I'd say he's very different, very different indeed. My brother, the stern and serious one, could be soft-hearted and affectionate too. That, plus the fact that he's much more reasonable than my father.
Now if only Ma can appreciate a good Japanese meal I would have taken them to Kuishinbo. Went there with Kiahui and Peixuan the last time and I really enjoyed the meal. The company was great and the food was delicious, I had such a wonderful impression of the place that I kept mentioning it on Sat. So much so that Dezhi asked me what's my obsession with the place. I don't know, maybe cos it has better lighting and better food? Got chance and got ppl who are interested enough must definitely go there again!
Was a tad sulky and in a bitchy mood on Sat, poor Dequan, it was his birthday and yet I was so snitty. I hope he wasn't badly affected by me. I tried to lock it in, not sure how much of it showed. It was a compounded kind of bad mood, brought on by crowds of people and silly SMRT people who send trains away right when we most need them. They should really take care to improve their quality of service instead of moving in the opposite direction.
Eyes are suddenly very tired though it's not late at all. Should leave this alone now, have said my piece for the day.
I
scribbled at ;; 8:10 PM
Monday, August 14, 2006
Been fixated on books recently.
Think I've finally been bought over by the idea that the National Library is a wonderful place. Have got a rather nasty habit of buying novels left and right but in truth not only is that costly, it takes up a hell lot of space too. Space, is something I can hardly spare at all. The library is the nice solution to that problem. That and the Net I suppose. ;p
Everytime I have to fill in something which describes my interests I fill in reading. Never really believed it myself though, that I really love reading so much cos I never could afford buying all those books I'd browsed in Kinokuniya or Borders or Popular... Then, abruptly, I realised that I have been cultivating a reading habit since I don't know, after JC? You see, I discovered the wonders of online fanfiction after JC and somewhere along the way I began actively reading fanfiction almost everyday. Ok, I admit it's not exactly the same as reading published books but hey, some of these authors are REALLY talented! Such imaginative minds!
Now that I've started to borrow some books from the library I realised that it's more convenient than I thought it was. In the past I always thought it was too troublesome to travel to a library and the nearest one to my place doesn't seem to have too wide a collection. Now I realise there are still some interesting books in Yishun library. Just recently I managed to borrow Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion from the library. I was so surprised cos I thought I'd never find them there. Just finished reading Pride and Prejudice again. Ah... With age comes understanding, I find that I finally can understand the book better compared to when I first read the book when I was 12 and 13.
I also just started to make use of the elibrary of the NLB. Though it conks off sometimes, when it's fine I can read books for free online just like reading fanfiction. It's wonderful man! The NLB is wonderful!
I
scribbled at ;; 9:51 PM
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
5th August 2006
Hehheh, Quan went down to see JJ again last Sat and I tagged along since I was so free. In the end it became a pseudo family outing for me, after all, how many times do we get to sit around and have breakfast together now? JJ was as interesting and jovial as usual. I'm sure he's really upbeat, his business has never been better!
Anyway, Zhi brought along a camera and snapped pics here and there. Kopped a few pictures from his blog. Don't you agree that he's quite talented as well. Now I know two future famous photographers I can sponge on in the future, muahhahhahhas.....
I
scribbled at ;; 11:02 PM
Serene, the second interviewer(a really nice lady) from UOB made a call to me today. For a moment, I held the hope that they decided they would want to take me but alas that was not the case. She called to inform me once again that my application was unsuccessful but she would be forwarding my resume to other departments to see if anyone is hiring and would like to meet me. Here ends my wishful thinking and dreaming of a miracle for me...
I knew it would be like this but I was always most hopeful, no matter how impossible what I'm hoping for maybe. Still, I'm really grateful to Serene for making the call (Thank You So Much!!). It was perhaps an aknowledgement of my effort, of my last ditch attempt to right things. Some things just can't be righted no matter how determined one is or how much one may want it. I'm just really grateful now that they at least thought of me. Perhaps they were kind of touched by the sincerity in the letter I wrote them? ;p
On the bright side a few recruitment agencies have contacted me the past two days and I have walked in for a short interview with two agencies. I am impressed, really quite impressed by the efficiency of some agencies. Makes me wonder why some other agencies (or is it the particular recruitment staff in the agency?) are not quite as efficient... Hmm... Anyway, they are all quite secretive about whom their clients are, all I could gather was that they would be shiftwork and most of these call centres are located in the East, near Bedok, Eunos etc. Sigh... Have to travel far and long but haven't got much choice right? I chose this line. Now I hope they(the employers) will at least give me a chance to meet them and let me wow them. I hope to find a job, really, really soon...
I
scribbled at ;; 10:30 PM
Friday, August 04, 2006
While I was moaning on about my lack of success in my attempt at job search it never occurred to me that there are really a lot of things that are bigger than finding a job and feeling down due to a rejection and all that inane shit.
Just read on a friend's blog about her friend's situation. Her friend was in a car accident (no he wasn't speeding or drunk, yes it was totally an accident)and till now he's still in the intensive ward. Everyone who cares are waiting for his condition to stabilise and for him to recover from this accident. His mother is worried sick for him and they have the added worries of the medical bills which would definitely come up to a very huge sum.
When I think of him (my prayers are with him), I feel that I'm really very blessed. I can eat, sleep, talk, pretty much do anything I want that's not immoral but now all he can do is to use his will to try to recover. He needs to, for his mother, and for all the friends who support him, but what we want is never necessarily what we get. More than ever, I pray for a miracle, for him.
God bless his soul and may he be brave enough to conquer it all and come out of it the victor. Please let him survive this episode so that his loved ones would not have to suffer the pain of losing him......
I
scribbled at ;; 10:28 PM
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Not for the first time in my life I wished for iTunes to be in Singapore.
There are so many songs I would like to own that are totally obscure or are part of an album that I have no need for at all, wish I could just go on the Net and buy that particular song I want so much...
Went watching a movie with Peixuan tonight. She'd asked if I wanted to watch it earlier but I couldn't quite make it so I thought to call her to reschedule. In the end we just went ahead and watched it. It was The Lakehouse. Had heard about it but hadn't thought to really go watch it myself but, oh well, "Why not?" Had heard some good things about it and it was supposed to be a romantic film, right down my alley, so off I went to meet her for the movie.
I loved it.
It may not have been the world's most romantic movie and it is kind of based on Il Mare, which I'd watched, but it was lovely. Really lovely...
There was a scene which brought me to write this entry. She was waiting at a restaurant waiting for him after arranging a meeting with him to meet her the next day. For her it's the next day, for him it is two years down the road. She waited and he didn't come. The background music was awfully familiar. I had it once, a long time ago before I had my brother reformat the computer. Wished I had bothered to copy every single song down now. I miss the song so much and I have no means to get it short of illegal download. The song's name is 'I Wish You Love'. It's a jazz song that's been sung by so many different artists yet on no site could I find a free sample to listen to... Only managed to get the lyrics. Sigh... Before iTunes arrive on our shores I'll just have to settle for singing the song to myself I guess...
~
I Wish You Love
Goodbye, no use leading with our chins, this is where our story ends,
Never lovers ever friends.
Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day, but before you walk away,
I sincerely want to say.
I wish you bluebirds in the spring, to give your heart a song to sing,
And then a kiss, but more than this, I wish you love.
And in July some lemonade to cool you in some lazy glade,
I wish you health, and more than wealth, I wish you love.
My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be,
So with my best, my very best, I set you free.
I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm,
Most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.
I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm,
But most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.
~
I
scribbled at ;; 11:59 PM
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
WARNING!! All I've written below are random thoughts I've had in my mind these few days so I hope no one gets confused ya? Thought to give a fair warning after I finished typing the entire entry...
~
Promised that I'd fill you'll in on what I'd typed yesterday but accidentally deleted didn't I? Recently I had been somehow drawn to my blog, writing entries left and right... Hmm.... Must be in one of my 3 minute impulses (san fen zhong re du). Maybe it's cos I really like the new layout? Or could it be because of the bo lan qi fu of my emotions? *ponders*
~
After I finished typing that entry about my failure to get the job of my dreams (I only realised that belatedly actually, that that job was the job of my dreams), I asked my brother, out of curiosity, if he'd ever read my blog. I knew he read it before but I'm not sure if he pops in to read it regularly like he would for a friend's blog. Turns out he doesn't. Claims it's a bit too English. Is it really very English? Gee... I never thought I'd see the day that someone would find any aspect of me or anything related to me too English...
I asked him that really because I kind of confessed to him in a roundabout yet direct way on his tagboard that I do go visit his blog. I was worried he'd be offended or upset somehow but it turned out fine. His reply was totally characteristic of him, mild and accepting. He's ok with it somehow but he also felt that it was some kind of a loss of privacy for him.
I actually would much rather he come visit my blog sometimes. As close as I sometimes feel we three are I still think we don't understand each other enough. This I see as an avenue for him to learn about certains parts of my life and for him to probably understand me more. I welcome him and anyone else here cos for me, this is a sharing of my life, my thoughts, my feelings and by putting it here I meant for it to be shared with anyone who cares or am curious enough to come view this page.
Always felt that I have a split personality actually, for I am a private exhibitionist, both introverted and extroverted, both secretive and public about who I really am...
~
Really miss driving and my driving instructors... Driving affords me a sense a relaxation like nothing can, probably cos I always take the opportunity to offload anything and everything to a third party. I love talking to my instructors, especially Mr Wee. He's such a great listener and I'm always the most relaxed when I drive with him. Maybe cos I met him late in the learning process. He didn't have to suffer the times when I'd made hundreds of embarassing and dangerous mistakes, instead he was there when I was almost at the finishing line. My impression of him is that he is the encouraging one, and the one who understands like no other.
I miss driving......
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Had a hectic day today, went to Timothy's to teach tuition from 8.45am to 12.30pm then lingered on in the centre printing out some worksheets for a few students. By the time I was finished and out of there it was almost 2, which makes it bu san bu si if I go home and left again for Marsiling after an hour plus. Had a date with Mr Haw Chin Wei at 4 cos he cancelled his Sat tuition at the last min (again!! *sarcastic and a little frustrated*) and after that had to rush back to Yishun for Rong Cheng and Koon Ming's session.
Went for a considerably leisurely yu pian mian xian lunch since I'd decided to just go straight to Mars. You know, I never thought I'd see the day that I'd say this but I relished this chance where I could linger and eat my meal slowly, by my own sweet time. Had been maintaining a horrible lifestyle for a few days a week over the past month. Rush down from centre to buy dinner during the students' break, run up, gobble up dinner in 10-15 min, go on with tuition. I wish I could have a decent break sometimes but this is the way it is, this is the way it'd always been for the afternoon session. I know cos I've been doing this off and on for more than a year. Not really complaining though, like the feeling of the rush sometimes, but it makes me cherish my meals, meals I can take in peace...
Since I had this time interval in between I decided I would go visit the Woodlands library. Some of my students were reading these Chinese romance novels by Korean authors (translated of course) and I was itching to find out what's so fascinating about them. Ended up borrowing three books, one English romance novel, one Chinese romance novel and an Economics book filled with essays written by Paul Krugman. It's seems all quite interesting and promising. Think this time I should be able to finish reading all 3 books before the due date comes along...
Was starting on the English novel when I saw this description that one of the characters made of himself. I realised I identified with it even though in the past I wouldn't have said this of myself or to myself (even if I secretly believed in it), 'I believe in myself. I guess you could say I believe in myself totally. There's a ton I need to learn, but I believe that I have the ability to apprentice myself, to grow by leaps and bounds. I want to live wildly and adventurously, which might be interpreted as hubris, but is honestly the way I feel about myself.'
Don't know why but I feel I grew up quite a bit this past year, could be the circumstances forcing me to face the music and the cruel world...
Anyway I just wanted to complain about my darling student Mr Jason Haw here for a bit (again). He was the one to arrange this session with me on Sat and guess what? He totally forgot!! I stood outside his door for more than 20 minutes, thinking that no one was at home and waiting for him to return. (Thank God I had those books to accompany me!) Luckily I finally tried to test my luck at the door even though the padlock was on, it turned out that his mother was at home. By sheer luck(for me) he made it home 30 mins after the appointed time. (Am not going to elaborate on why I called it luck but he could have missed our appt totally today, imagine, poor me, waiting for someone who was never going to turn up... *whimpers*) Was sorely tempted to just forget all about it and just leave but I was already there so, what the heck. Will have to go see his face (adorable but frustrating) again tomorrow since today's lesson was just a make up lesson. That boy, so full of antics and dramatics... *still grumbling on and on*
Sigh... I long for a reprieve sometimes..... Do you know what it's like to be busy but free at the same time? I feel EXACTLY that way. No wonder the astropalmist I went to see said that I was a workaholic, am beginning to realise, to a certain extent, the truth of it...
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Ok, I know I've already written too much and bored everyone out so am just gonna go now. Have got three books waiting for me, so ciao everyone, till the next time............
**hubri : Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance**
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scribbled at ;; 11:50 PM
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
A new day, a new month and I hope there's a new start and new hope for my job hunt.
Am still praying for that miracle. Foolish and silly but I hope to some extent that with my determination and will there is a chance I'd get a job that would suit me.
Asked my brother if he believed that if we pray hard enough our prayers for a miracle would come true. He believed so. I'm taking his word for it and praying day and night. Of course I have taken some action to actually realise my short term dream of finding a permanent job but I think sometimes it takes more than just effort, luck and faith are important components too.
I pray earnestly for a miracle, whatever form it comes in...
Initially typed a lot of stuff for this post but I accidentally pressed the ESC button and this is my second attempt at this post.
Maybe I shall write all the other stuff I wrote but didn't want to retype again another time.
Pray, pray and pray...
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scribbled at ;; 11:54 PM