Had dinner with my family again today. Ironically, now that I've moved out we kind of have taken more of an initiative to eat together as a family, at least about once a week.
As usual, we fell into a debate on our favourite topic, my father. My two brothers and I often hold discussion sessions (rather passionate sessions sometimes) on a whole lot of things like politics, Oprah Winfrey, family etc. Occasionally we go back to the topic of our father. Luckily our aunt(Pa's sister) was not around, she had never quite gotten our way of communicationm it irritates her to no end. ;p
Di (bless the kind soul) was commenting that we've been too harsh on him, that he's a poor soul and in some sense, we're doing him an injustice. I agree with him to a certain extent. I explained that I don't hate him, I'm just trying to avoid collision and pain, both his and mine.
I don't hate him, really I don't, I simply hate his ego and self-righteousness and unwillingness to communicate and compromise. I wish we could speak to him and have him listen for real, to hear us, to understand us as we try to do so for him. Despite my efforts in the past though, all I got in return was a deep disappointment. I am really disappointed in him.
I don't blame him for losing his job, nobody chooses that, I wish though that he would look at things in perspective and try to pull himself together. I wish with all my might that he would look into the future and use the foresight that he so prided himself on having. If only he would just listen, for once, to our views, perhaps pause long enough and not start shouting once things sound unpleasant. I wish that for once, we, his family, could be his priority and that he would think of us and worry, like we all do. Do we mean enough to him, or are we really a means to an end like he'd insinuated so many times in the past? If only there were a way to get through to him I pray to God that I would be shown the way.
Things are not totally falling apart but from January onwards I'd been feeling as though I have lost my home and my family. I took the coward's way out but I felt there was no other way. It was killing me inside and I wish I were indifferent enough for it to not hurt. I wish I had my family back... Couldn't we go back to the good old times?