Have been teaching as a tuition teacher for quite a number of years now. But now... It seems I'm finally coming to a close for that phase of my life...
She asked me if I were in love with a person we worked with. The horror!! My immediate response was to deny that but when I now come to reflect on it, in general, how am I to say whether if I really liked a person that way or not?
To be brutally honest, I really don't quite know what it truly means to be emotionally attracted to a person. Is it like what we see in the movies and the Korean dramas? Heart palpitations, thinking of the person time and again, seeking out the person in a crowd like a radar, loving from afar and peeping to salve the heartache? While I'll like to believe it could be like that(I'm an utter romantic), I have never quite experienced all that I've seen on the tv. Bad tao2 hua1 luck or is it just not supposed to be that way at all?
In consequent to my inexperience in the dating field, I have totally no concept of what is the correct response to a person's advances, or worse still, I seriously have no idea when a person might even be really the slightest interested or not. I also don't know how to show my interest if there is any from my end. Do I even know when does the attraction begins for me?! And then how do you differentiate between true interest and good natured teasing? And for those who don't tease how do you catch the signs? Better yet, how do I emit my own signals without being too offensively direct and forward?
Hmm... Is there any written or unwritten rule out there? Or is there any instructions manual that really works? Like I don't know, Dating for the TRUE DUMMIES??
I may not have found someone I really like now but who is to tell what is in store in the future? I'm gaining age and wisdom by the day and I'll really like to experience love at least once before I grow old and retire. People say you have to make your own opportunities but frankly I'm still too horrified by the possibility that I'll make the wrong conclusions or be smacked flat with a mosquito swat should I ever find the courage to approach whom I like. Will I ever become that gladiator type, charge forward and shi4 ai4(express my feelings/love)? Perish the thought! At the present moment it is about as possible as my quitting fast food. (Possible but highly unlikely...)
So now I pray... I pray to the God for a warrior man who is direct enough to not just drop hints but give me a direct sign. I am as blur as a sotong wearing extra thick spectacles and if no one points out a road for me I'll just go bang my head against the wall. I don't want to play guessing games, I want to know if I should place my affection here and now. So I need my warrior to be braver than me, so that I can be that little bit timid and maintain that bit of modesty.
Until then... Until my dream warrior comes along or until I become a garang gladiator, all crushes or attraction I may have of any male, colleague or not, will be simply swept under a carpet, never to be mentioned ever.