Oh, So Random

Friday, December 26, 2008

Suddenly, I fell out of love with my job.

Had actually described my relationship with my work in such a way before to a colleague. I love my job as though it were a man I was deeply in love with. I dedicate myself fully to it, heart and soul and to the extent that it doesn't matter that I come back on weekends and put in additional hours, and it doesn't matter that I go home late and often had to resort to cabbing on my own expense. In fact, in an effort to do my work better and to be nearer to work, I took up the opportunity to rent a place nearby though I live right here in Singapore.

All of a sudden, a few months ago, I realised that I have been made a fool because of my love for something that could not love me back. It was like a switch, all of a sudden a light went out. Perhaps that is what a paradigm shift is really all about.

I really LOVED my job. I loved it like I loved my Mum and my brothers and my friends but love could bring about the deepest pain. I would have rather it was a deep infatuation so it wouldn't have hurt as bad but hey, no pain no gain, and as a colleague said, I've grown because of this. I may have become more jaded and even more sceptical but at least I'm less guillible compared to before.

My love for my job and the challenges it gives me made me blind to the faults of it. It didn't matter to me before, no matter how shitty the cases were, no matter how much I was bugged, I always found the strength to carry on. More recently I have failed to find that same motivation. I still do what I can, but I have developed now a sense of heckcareness. What good does it do me to put my heart into it only to have my heart smashed into smithereens?

Changes, there are so many changes, and not all are good. Frustration builds up but I'm still somehow too stubborn to go. Why is that? I ask myself, when and where is my limit? I have no answer as yet...

Life however is dropping me hints even when I refuse to take them. While I am not actively looking out for something else people in my family just happen to find something suitable for me, one after another.

Is this a sign, even in bad times such as this?

I ponder and I wonder, time and again.

My love for this "man" has waned and dimmed into a sense of deep companionship. I'm so used to it and so comfortable doing it that I'm actually quite complacent with it. After all where would I apply the same knowledge if I leave this comfort zone?

Am going into the night team soon and honestly, I don't know what to expect. Am praying now that all things go well and I won't fall asleep at work.

Perhaps this change, for once, is for the better? Only time can tell...

I scribbled at ;; 8:51 PM

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Am getting slightly worried about my health.

Was going about much of the same way today, send escalations, answer questions, send escalations, answer questions, then all of a sudden, my CPU and my monitor were moving in front of my eyes.

Think my entire face must have turned pale or maybe my expression looked weird cos the 2 guys who were asking me questions about work suddenly started asking me how I was.

It was just so sudden, out of nowhere I just got hit by a dizzy spell and all I could feel a rush. Hady said it could be a blood rush, Jack didn't comment but just asked if I was ok.

I was suddenly really scared and miserable. What's happening to me?! And then it wouldn't go away after a minute. What made it worse was, there I was, looking like something was wrong and still people came after me to ask questions and request for solutions. Don't they have a bit of compassion for others and give me a minute? Would it hurt to ask the question later or is it such a burning issue that it has to be solved pronto, dead or alive?

I recall only one instance when I had a similar spell. There was this one time when I stood up very abruptly and I got giddy too. This time it was different though, I could literally feel something rushing up (perhaps to my brain) and I didn't know what triggered it. Was it high blood pressure? Low blood pressure cause of no lunch? Or worse, an aneurysm?

I quickly placed myself on meal on my aux code and went off slowly to breathe a bit and get a toilet break. But even moving very slowly I still felt off balance for awhile though the worst of it wore off after the first few minutes. Is this what they term as vertigo? Don't think it's as serious as that, so what is this then? Will going to a doctor help to offer me some answers?

Think this is just my body protesting and telling me I need to take things more easily. I need to learn to take a break and relax. I need to be less angry with crazy members. I need to stand up for myself. I need to be less of a female gladiator at work and occasionally learn to even eat snake a bit.

For those who didn't know I work in a contact centre as a team leader and we are considered part of the travel industry. What with the BKK issues and also the BOM issues we have been going crazy and calls are just ringing off the hook. Members are getting upset and hurling abusive words already.

Unfortunately for us we serve a big group of selfish people who believe they are self entitled. They come from a multitude of different fields and backgrounds but many of them really do share some very similar traits, cheap, demanding, conniving, haughty etc etc.

Some members are nice, but most members have their own agenda and they may be the most glam and supposedly rich people in person but over the phone they all become the most nasty of beasts and creatures.

Occasionally when I meet a most horrible one I question why I'm still around taking all this crap from these SOBs but everytime I face a nice and appreciative one I am reminded of the reason why I'm still around. There may be horrid people in the world who are not worth a second of my time, but there are also always people out there who genuinely need help. If not for people like my team and myself who will serve all these deserving people?

To all those nasty shitass people who call us just to scream and shout and demand, don't you know that people are always more willing to help if you are nice and not if you are nasty? Why do you need to do stuff that make us curse and swear at you behind your back? Why do you always need to push your luck and be so bigoted to think that we live to serve your every whim? I don't owe you anything and my company doesn't owe you anything so back off!

To those who ask why is it that our service agents are not more senior and knowledgeable, have you given our staff a reason to stay? Why should we stay longer in this company to take your crap? If you question my worth and contribution in the company then why should I still be here? Why don't I go somewhere where I can be more appreciated by the people that I serve and not get shouted at and pressurised on a daily basis? And if people are always leaving and attrition is high who will be experienced enough to provide an answer to all your questions and demands?!

We'll all leave one day and when we leave, it just means that the next person will move forward to take our place. No one is indispensible and no one is expected to stay for truly very long. The vicious cycle never stops for no one can handle all this shit forever.

So wake up and smell the flowers you crazy members out there! Without us to serve you, you don't even get anything at all, so appreciate what we are serving you on a platter on a daily basis.

I scribbled at ;; 9:53 PM