Had actually described my relationship with my work in such a way before to a colleague. I love my job as though it were a man I was deeply in love with. I dedicate myself fully to it, heart and soul and to the extent that it doesn't matter that I come back on weekends and put in additional hours, and it doesn't matter that I go home late and often had to resort to cabbing on my own expense. In fact, in an effort to do my work better and to be nearer to work, I took up the opportunity to rent a place nearby though I live right here in Singapore.
All of a sudden, a few months ago, I realised that I have been made a fool because of my love for something that could not love me back. It was like a switch, all of a sudden a light went out. Perhaps that is what a paradigm shift is really all about.
I really LOVED my job. I loved it like I loved my Mum and my brothers and my friends but love could bring about the deepest pain. I would have rather it was a deep infatuation so it wouldn't have hurt as bad but hey, no pain no gain, and as a colleague said, I've grown because of this. I may have become more jaded and even more sceptical but at least I'm less guillible compared to before.
My love for my job and the challenges it gives me made me blind to the faults of it. It didn't matter to me before, no matter how shitty the cases were, no matter how much I was bugged, I always found the strength to carry on. More recently I have failed to find that same motivation. I still do what I can, but I have developed now a sense of heckcareness. What good does it do me to put my heart into it only to have my heart smashed into smithereens?
Changes, there are so many changes, and not all are good. Frustration builds up but I'm still somehow too stubborn to go. Why is that? I ask myself, when and where is my limit? I have no answer as yet...
Life however is dropping me hints even when I refuse to take them. While I am not actively looking out for something else people in my family just happen to find something suitable for me, one after another.
Is this a sign, even in bad times such as this?
I ponder and I wonder, time and again.
My love for this "man" has waned and dimmed into a sense of deep companionship. I'm so used to it and so comfortable doing it that I'm actually quite complacent with it. After all where would I apply the same knowledge if I leave this comfort zone?
Am going into the night team soon and honestly, I don't know what to expect. Am praying now that all things go well and I won't fall asleep at work.
Perhaps this change, for once, is for the better? Only time can tell...