Oh, So Random

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

2010 is an eventful year where I've seen a lot happening and learnt about work and life in general.

I've seen a lot of evil, heard a lot of evil, and consequently I believe I've said a lot of evil too.

There are still really a lot of things for me to learn for personal growth...

Forbearance, for one, is a virtue I need to cultivate in myself. I know I'm less impulsive compared to my school days but, perhaps it's really a very ingrained part of my character, I'm still prone to rush into things cause I'm too passionate about it.

It could be things pertaining to work cases, making a personal stand about values and principles, expressing an opinion etc etc. Guess the only thing I haven't rushed into is a relationship. ;p (Ironic and funny, cause people my age are all beginning to rush into embracing their love lives, while I pace, too leisurely, at the door of love...)

I should also learn that ideals of integrity and fairness can be obsolete to some people. Perhaps it's the education, I always thought such notions are universal. I've learnt a hard lesson that not all believe it's compulsory. Some might see it a necessary evil and some may see the absence of it as no big deal at all. It is a bitter pill to swallow for me and I'm still trying to swallow it...

I must learn to be quiet and just listen when my opinion is not required. Sometimes my advice and contribution on an issue matters to and is valued by others; other times what I say is really not important.

My bro told me that I'm a cynic at heart, so what I say comes out more negative than positive most of the time. While I don't fully agree, I have to say my advice can often be blunt, to the point, and too rational and pragmatic at times. (Another irony, haven't I been told that I'm silly and childish at some point?). So when in doubt I should err on the side of caution and keep mum...

Most important thing I need to learn to cope better with 2011 is to See no Evil, Hear no Evil and Speak no Evil.

No matter how upset I make myself I'll never be able to determine and control certain things in life. The only way out is to ignore such stuff and just focus and do what I need to do.

I sincerely hope 2011 is going to be a better year where things will go more smoothly. I need to learn to live more happily and give myself more purpose in life. Love myself so that I can give others more reason to love me too.

May 2011 be a better year for one and all and may all the regrets of the year end with the end of 2010...

I scribbled at ;; 4:15 PM

People say the truth will set you free.

Sometimes the truth hurts and ignorance instead is the ultimate bliss.

I'd rather stay in the dark than know and be left in such a state of torment.

This is clouding my mind day and night and there's no peace for me in my heart and mind...

It took me a long time to come to terms with things the last time, how much longer would it take this time since I know the whole truth?

The truth hurts like a knife in your front and you can do nothing but bleed to death slowly and painfully...

I scribbled at ;; 6:18 AM

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Something is seriously wrong.

I thought no one knows something's wrong but it turns out everyone knows but everyone's just turning a blind eye.

Is it right to live with so much wrongness? Can I stomach it all? What's going to happen when I can no longer stomach this?

By now I finally know that talking about it won't help.

I can only chide myself for being naive and foolish.

I wish things didn't have to be so clear and I didn't need to be further disappointed or disillusioned.

I've been raised to believe in fairness, equality, justice and hard work, and to be honest, I've never seen such darkness in my 27 years.

Why would anyone support something so wrong at all?

Everything is so conflicting and bleak at the same time.

I have to get over it. If I can't make myself accept it then there is only one way left.

Guess I have suspected it for months, just didn't want to believe that it can be true.

I would have been better off not knowing for sure, for now that I know, it's all the more difficult to ignore it and pretend everything's fine...

I scribbled at ;; 6:44 AM

Saturday, December 25, 2010

This Christmas has been a Christmas filled with weird epiphanies.

I've just finished with my previous blog entry when I came across something which told me what my friend's opinion was of me.

I've always thought that friends would know that I have their interests at heart and I fret cos I care, and though I've always known my interference was not appreciated, I never knew that I was seen as foolish and silly.

What a big joke I was, how amusing and stupid I must have been.

I've not going to interfere anymore in the future. If you want my opinion I'll give you my honest opinion but I'm not going to worry myself to death.

We're 27 going on 28 and definitely old enough to deal with the positive or negative consequences of our own actions.

I should have known that the protective big sister act is passe and no longer relevant.

I'll learn to keep my paws out of others' business now.

It's time to stop worrying about people who don't want that from me to begin with. No more zi zuo duo qing.

I scribbled at ;; 11:38 AM

Had the most vivid dream sequence before I woke up this Christmas morning.

Not sure what could be the influence, perhaps I've been thinking too much about the topic of having relationships because of my friends, perhaps I've been down a bit because I got scolded, perhaps because I've been treated nicely after being scolded etc etc, but for the first time in my life I've got a dream this vivid about a person.

Perhaps I've been watching too much of the different versions of Itazaru Na Kiss? That could be it too.

It was nice being able to hold hands and be hugged by someone when you feel down like it was in my dream. Thank you for supporting me in my dream dear, even if it didn't happen in reality. =)

Also, thank you God for giving me a nice dream as a Christmas present.

Now what I have to figure out is, is this a gigantic clue from God telling me to get a hint about my own feelings and to do something about it?!

Sigh... I am such a clueless, oblivious dunderhead...

I scribbled at ;; 9:58 AM