My work life, especially in year 2011, is like a car on a slip road, spinning out of control and completely out of focus.
I could feel the toil all the issues and workload were on me, and I simply dragged on, sometimes perhaps without realising that I'm dragging all the people who rely on me down as well.
In my own narcissistic thoughts I believed that others need me very much, and in thinking so I never even dared to dream of leaving at such a time of need.
But who knows, perhaps my departure would have been the best thing to happen to all the colleagues who work around me...
I feel like SUCH a failure and I'm depressed about it but I simply don't know how to actually begin to improve.
Nothing I do seemed to have been enough. I try, I try my hardest to fulfill the needs of the staff under me and everyone is so very accommodating and understanding when I fail in doing so that I'm guilty of taking everyone around me for granted.
Why is it so difficult for me? Why does it seem like I have so much to do? Is it because I am disorganised? Is it because I am a sucker for cases? Is it because I think too highly of myself? Is it because I try to do everything so much so that I end up achieving nothing?
There is unhappiness amongst my people, but I don't know how to make things better, and I won't know how to fix things or take appropriate actions if people don't share with me the truth, or give me constructive feedback on what to do to improve things.
I swivel between being burnt out and crazy, overly sympathetic to complete apathetic, and it pains me that even those that I feel I am close to are only close superficially.
What is real? Who are true friends around me? If we are friends why not tell me what my flaws are?
As painful as it may be to hear what my flaws are, it hurts infinitely more to hear it from a third party.
I wish I could be a better DM. I know I have my limitations and I know I have many moments of weaknesses. I wish I were strong enough to be the roof and shelter for all the staff who work for me and under me but alas, that seems to be a pipedream.
How can I become more effective? How can I be the DM that I truly want to be, one who can CARE and take care of my staff, as I would like to be?
I'm tired, truly so tired, and all the amount of escapism I have done in the last 6 months or so have shown me that I'm not really ok. No amount of escapism can help me to truly escape and there is only one escape route.
I will hold out and still try to stay strong, if only for the sake of the people who still rely on me and still need me.
All the Gods above please give me strength...