It's funny how people like me tend to remember that I have such a thing as a blog or journal when I have some kind of major ups or downs in my life.
As it was before, I have recently been going under some growing pains, and trying to fight that inner struggle that tries to define my self-worth.
The news flash is I know what I'm worth and I know I have been doing a good job in my own way, but it just may not be a good job from the perspectives of peers and colleagues who expect something else of me.
I've been trying my very best to be introspective and read into myself, what I have done right or wrong, why I am suffering from such great levels of disdain from my closest colleague etc...
In these 2 days I had a revelation, as hurtful and painful that my colleague's disapproval is to me, she is at least being completely upfront about her unhappiness with me, albeit not sharing the reason for various times of her acting out.
Her honesty in her reactions, are way better than the silent antagonists, who are not supportive, but still hide behind the mask and facade of a being cordial.
Today a thought came to me.
As often as the colleagues would bug my friend, perhaps they have been sharing a lot about their opinions on my inadequacy?
And perhaps my efforts to step up is not good enough? Or somehow may come across and motivated by anything other than my honest wish to contribute?
In any case any of this is definitely tormenting my friend as much, or maybe more, than it is tormenting me.
I got to learn to do my part better, and be a better contributor.