Ramblings and Ramifications

Blogging again

2012-01-07T10:47:00.001+08:00

It's been a long time since I last blogged, figured now is as good a time as any to continue on with my previous habit.

Sometimes it is good to be able to express oneself and relieve oneself of all the angst and unhappiness one has.

If I don't try to rid myself of all the negativity flowing around in me, it will eat me up slowly but surely...

Perhaps using this medium I can regain some sanity for myself and stop burying myself in videos, books, the unreal world...

Failure...

2012-01-06T19:09:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really can't help but feel like a failure in so many aspects in my life.

My work life, especially in year 2011, is like a car on a slip road, spinning out of control and completely out of focus.

I could feel the toil all the issues and workload were on me, and I simply dragged on, sometimes perhaps without realising that I'm dragging all the people who rely on me down as well.

In my own narcissistic thoughts I believed that others need me very much, and in thinking so I never even dared to dream of leaving at such a time of need.

But who knows, perhaps my departure would have been the best thing to happen to all the colleagues who work around me...

I feel like SUCH a failure and I'm depressed about it but I simply don't know how to actually begin to improve.

Nothing I do seemed to have been enough. I try, I try my hardest to fulfill the needs of the staff under me and everyone is so very accommodating and understanding when I fail in doing so that I'm guilty of taking everyone around me for granted.

Why is it so difficult for me? Why does it seem like I have so much to do? Is it because I am disorganised? Is it because I am a sucker for cases? Is it because I think too highly of myself? Is it because I try to do everything so much so that I end up achieving nothing?

There is unhappiness amongst my people, but I don't know how to make things better, and I won't know how to fix things or take appropriate actions if people don't share with me the truth, or give me constructive feedback on what to do to improve things.

I swivel between being burnt out and crazy, overly sympathetic to complete apathetic, and it pains me that even those that I feel I am close to are only close superficially.

What is real? Who are true friends around me? If we are friends why not tell me what my flaws are?

As painful as it may be to hear what my flaws are, it hurts infinitely more to hear it from a third party.

I wish I could be a better DM. I know I have my limitations and I know I have many moments of weaknesses. I wish I were strong enough to be the roof and shelter for all the staff who work for me and under me but alas, that seems to be a pipedream.

How can I become more effective? How can I be the DM that I truly want to be, one who can CARE and take care of my staff, as I would like to be?

I'm tired, truly so tired, and all the amount of escapism I have done in the last 6 months or so have shown me that I'm not really ok. No amount of escapism can help me to truly escape and there is only one escape route.

I will hold out and still try to stay strong, if only for the sake of the people who still rely on me and still need me.

All the Gods above please give me strength...

Back to office on rainy Sat...

2011-06-11T13:02:00.001+08:00

Reached Paya Lebar before I suddenly realized that I forgot my pass, again!
Bodoh, idiot, 바보, 傻蛋!!!

Aargh!!! Am freaking out!

2011-02-24T15:49:00.000+08:00

I've officially gone back to exercising on Mon 21 Feb 2011. One day I woke up and realized I've ballooned to an intolerable level (again!) so I made myself start again.

Gave myself some mini tests to gauge how far backward have I gone. I passed the running test I gave myself on Mon, (though with considerably reduced stamina) but I failed last evening's test!

OMG I'm so stiff and cumbersome, my 'tyre' is sticking out more than ever, so I have problem with some of the moves. This has not happened before so I'm freaking out!

This is majorly bad! I have to watch what I eat and make sure I work out regularly.

I don't need the ideal weight, I just want my dignity back!

I'm gonna make sure I can do those moves! It's time to plan my exercise timetable!

New Year Resolution

2011-01-01T23:07:00.004+08:00

In less than an hour, the first day of year 2011 will be over.

Before the end of the first day of the year, it is time to at least record my hopes and wishes for the year. Perhaps at the end of 2011, I can come back to this entry and review my "progress".

Year 2010 has been a year of ups and downs. For Year 2011, I wish to gain some level of constancy and hope to cultivate a higher level of self discipline and tolerance.

I hope to also gain more confidence in myself in even more aspects and refrain from reacting in negative ways due to esteem issues.

I also want to learn to treat myself better and stop shortchanging myself.

Goals and Action Items

Weight

Long Term Goal : Hit 65kg preferred weight
Short Term Goal : Lose 10kg of weight (I've done it before so I CAN do it again! Gambatte!)

Action Items :

Target to exercise minimum 3 times a week
Encourage myself to exercise daily if possible
USE my gym membership - visit PPW and STC
Swim (I enjoy swimming so why am I not doing so??)
Go off from work on time (Recognise that work can be done within work hours and all that after hours working is a whole load of nonsense and is sometimes just an excuse created to let myself off easily)
Don't be distracted from the goal

Diet

Overall Goal : Eat More Wisely (Eat to Live)

Action Items :

Recognise that "what I eat is what I am"
Eat more vegetable and fruits
Cook and bring food to the office again
Eat ice-cream in moderation (to abstain completely will only bring about a rebound reaction down the road, so might as well eat a little bit from time to time...)

Work

Overall Goal : Be better at work

Action Items :

Be more efficient
No more procrastination
Set reminders if need be to keep track of "unfinished business"
Talk less and do more

Can't think of more targets I wish to achieve this year, but these are quite enough for the moment I believe.

Hopefully by setting down specific achievable targets I could help myself to see the way to achieving my aims.

Good luck Mingmei! Hope 2011 will be the year where I can learn to do things better and be a better person overall!

Lessons from 2010

2010-12-29T16:15:00.000+08:00

2010 is an eventful year where I've seen a lot happening and learnt about work and life in general.

I've seen a lot of evil, heard a lot of evil, and consequently I believe I've said a lot of evil too.

There are still really a lot of things for me to learn for personal growth...

Forbearance, for one, is a virtue I need to cultivate in myself. I know I'm less impulsive compared to my school days but, perhaps it's really a very ingrained part of my character, I'm still prone to rush into things cause I'm too passionate about it.

It could be things pertaining to work cases, making a personal stand about values and principles, expressing an opinion etc etc. Guess the only thing I haven't rushed into is a relationship. ;p (Ironic and funny, cause people my age are all beginning to rush into embracing their love lives, while I pace, too leisurely, at the door of love...)

I should also learn that ideals of integrity and fairness can be obsolete to some people. Perhaps it's the education, I always thought such notions are universal. I've learnt a hard lesson that not all believe it's compulsory. Some might see it a necessary evil and some may see the absence of it as no big deal at all. It is a bitter pill to swallow for me and I'm still trying to swallow it...

I must learn to be quiet and just listen when my opinion is not required. Sometimes my advice and contribution on an issue matters to and is valued by others; other times what I say is really not important.

My bro told me that I'm a cynic at heart, so what I say comes out more negative than positive most of the time. While I don't fully agree, I have to say my advice can often be blunt, to the point, and too rational and pragmatic at times. (Another irony, haven't I been told that I'm silly and childish at some point?). So when in doubt I should err on the side of caution and keep mum...

Most important thing I need to learn to cope better with 2011 is to See no Evil, Hear no Evil and Speak no Evil.

No matter how upset I make myself I'll never be able to determine and control certain things in life. The only way out is to ignore such stuff and just focus and do what I need to do.

I sincerely hope 2011 is going to be a better year where things will go more smoothly. I need to learn to live more happily and give myself more purpose in life. Love myself so that I can give others more reason to love me too.

May 2011 be a better year for one and all and may all the regrets of the year end with the end of 2010...

The truth hurts

2010-12-29T06:18:00.000+08:00

People say the truth will set you free.

Sometimes the truth hurts and ignorance instead is the ultimate bliss.

I'd rather stay in the dark than know and be left in such a state of torment.

This is clouding my mind day and night and there's no peace for me in my heart and mind...

It took me a long time to come to terms with things the last time, how much longer would it take this time since I know the whole truth?

The truth hurts like a knife in your front and you can do nothing but bleed to death slowly and painfully...

The Wrong and The Wronged

2010-12-28T06:44:00.002+08:00

Something is seriously wrong.

I thought no one knows something's wrong but it turns out everyone knows but everyone's just turning a blind eye.

Is it right to live with so much wrongness? Can I stomach it all? What's going to happen when I can no longer stomach this?

By now I finally know that talking about it won't help.

I can only chide myself for being naive and foolish.

I wish things didn't have to be so clear and I didn't need to be further disappointed or disillusioned.

I've been raised to believe in fairness, equality, justice and hard work, and to be honest, I've never seen such darkness in my 27 years.

Why would anyone support something so wrong at all?

Everything is so conflicting and bleak at the same time.

I have to get over it. If I can't make myself accept it then there is only one way left.

Guess I have suspected it for months, just didn't want to believe that it can be true.

I would have been better off not knowing for sure, for now that I know, it's all the more difficult to ignore it and pretend everything's fine...

Epiphanies

2010-12-25T11:38:00.002+08:00

This Christmas has been a Christmas filled with weird epiphanies.

I've just finished with my previous blog entry when I came across something which told me what my friend's opinion was of me.

I've always thought that friends would know that I have their interests at heart and I fret cos I care, and though I've always known my interference was not appreciated, I never knew that I was seen as foolish and silly.

What a big joke I was, how amusing and stupid I must have been.

I've not going to interfere anymore in the future. If you want my opinion I'll give you my honest opinion but I'm not going to worry myself to death.

We're 27 going on 28 and definitely old enough to deal with the positive or negative consequences of our own actions.

I should have known that the protective big sister act is passe and no longer relevant.

I'll learn to keep my paws out of others' business now.

It's time to stop worrying about people who don't want that from me to begin with. No more zi zuo duo qing.

The Silent Clamour of My Heart?

2010-12-25T09:58:00.002+08:00

Had the most vivid dream sequence before I woke up this Christmas morning.

Not sure what could be the influence, perhaps I've been thinking too much about the topic of having relationships because of my friends, perhaps I've been down a bit because I got scolded, perhaps because I've been treated nicely after being scolded etc etc, but for the first time in my life I've got a dream this vivid about a person.

Perhaps I've been watching too much of the different versions of Itazaru Na Kiss? That could be it too.

It was nice being able to hold hands and be hugged by someone when you feel down like it was in my dream. Thank you for supporting me in my dream dear, even if it didn't happen in reality. =)

Also, thank you God for giving me a nice dream as a Christmas present.

Now what I have to figure out is, is this a gigantic clue from God telling me to get a hint about my own feelings and to do something about it?!

Sigh... I am such a clueless, oblivious dunderhead...

Eulogy for my friend, William Chan

2010-10-29T04:14:00.001+08:00

Dear William

When I first heard of your departure I wondered, "Is this again some kind of a joke?". I knew what a big joker you were, but deep down in my heart I knew this was one joke none of us would laugh about...

You were one of the most cheery, positive, friendly, amiable, responsible, humble, respectful, humorous etc etc (and the list of all your wonderful qualities is a mile long ;p) person and colleague I have ever had the privilege to know.

Though I've never said it before, I respect you a lot for being so humble and for being so wonderful all the time, even though technically you are more senior than a lot of us.

Not everyone has the fortitude or the peace of mind to always remain so happy. I admire the way you've led your life and can only aspire to be half as cheerful and buoyant as you have been.

Perhaps I lack the wisdom and the experience yet, for I cannot accept and don't truly understand why God chose to take you from us amongst all of the masses. You are a great man, don't you deserve more time with all of us, your family and friends? But God must have some kind of grand plan which we won't really understand...

I hope now that you have gone to ji2 le4 shi4 jie4 you will continue your "happening" and joyful existence as a celestial being k? And now that you're up there must watch over all of us hor!

We will miss you very badly and I'll always remember your ever ready smile...

Rest in Peace William...

With fondest remembrance
Mingmei

p.s. You know arh, you actually look more handsome now than you were in the past leh, next time when I see you again up there hope you won't grow too handsome for me to recognize you k? =p Take care...

Depressed in the face of Reality

2010-06-05T17:25:00.005+08:00

It's amazing how a few sentences can make a person feel so lousy and depressed...

~

I took a considerable step out of my comfort zone today. Through a friend in the office I got hooked up with one of the dating agencies in Singapore. I was curious, how do these dating agencies work and would it work for me? Since they bothered to get my number and call me, I decided to go find out more about "arranged dating".

I was invited to go down to the DL for a profiling and we ended the session with me feeling depressed and upset.

The lady who helped me was very courteous and the form I filled out was very enlightening. However, when it came to the important bit, in a very nice way I got informed that I have not been putting enough effort to slim down and until I "look better" I will not be considered as a candidate.

Logically I understood all that the lady was driving at. Men are visual creatures and a successful date request will depend a lot on whether they like my picture. Being obese reduces that chance by a whole lot and it doesn't matter how fascinating my personality is - they can't see that from a picture.

Basically I am not marketable because of my looks. The DL has experienced failures in matching up larger women and hence they would rather not accept my business and brings my hopes up only to dash them when no one picks my profile.

I understood all that they were talking about but it didn't stop me from feeling diminished. For the first time in a long time I felt rejected and put down and I couldn't shake that feeling away for quite some time.

Is there anything wrong with being plump? Does obesity equate to failure? Do fat people have no chance at all in gaining acceptance and happiness through such unconventional means?

I felt discriminated and judged. The question posed to me, "Have you tried the best you can?" implies that I should be making a big effort to improve my personal image even though I have a healthy acceptance of my size.

I may wish to slim down for health reasons, with a reduction in size as my fringe benefit, but never at one point in my life have I allowed for myself to feel lousy about myself for being fat. I am big and I know it but I don't believe anyone should beat themselves up for being big. Big can be beautiful and the important factor here is health and not image.

Her words reduced Mingmei the wacky elder sister, the cheery team leader, the friend, the listener into Mingmei the fat woman in a picture.

I took my time walking from Circular Road to City Hall and roamed around the shopping centre for over an hour and slowly tried to let it go of the negative feelings. It wasn't burning humiliation that I experienced; It was overwhelming rejection.

Essentially the message I got was this even if they hadn't meant it that way: Fat people have no prospects and don't deserve a chance at love. Even if I were willing to spend good money to try things out they weren't ready to waste their time and effort doing something they were certain would fail.

It was downright depressing.

~

Don't get me wrong, I'm not at the point of no return where I yearn for a man so much that I'm hunting one down. However, the reality is, I am well aware that I have a very small social circle, and the only way for me to meet more people is to put myself in situations where there are more people to meet.

This was my foray into the big unknown, to try something different, to make an effort somehow. I wanted to be a little bit more proactive for once.

When it came down to it, I may not have signed up with them as I still can't fully wrap my mind around the idea of "arranged dating", but I would have liked to have the option open for me if I ever happen to choose this method.

They have however closed their doors to me. I can't figure out if I should feel more insulted or resigned because of this.

Sigh... This marks the end of this little adventure I guess. This must be a hint from God that I'm more suited for a more conventional way of matching up. I'll just stick to the tried and tested then. =)

loneliness

2010-05-02T18:33:00.000+08:00

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted are the greatest poverty."

Modern Day Parents?

2010-04-02T15:31:00.000+08:00

It's Easter Day and I'm out with Xiuxia, languishing and enjoying the comfortable silence between us as we each enjoy a nice cup of Java at Starbucks.

We've been here for the last 2 hours and for the last 2 hours I've been glancing up at times, from the e book on my phone, to see a little boy seated very quietly across his mother.

He had been sitting there minding his own business the entire time, his mother preoccupied with whatever is on her mini laptop, and him quietly there in the background.

So far I've seen him idling, reading a educational magazine, playing games on another laptop, flitting from one occupation to another, a classic sign of boredom and lack of motive.

The whole time his mother had been click click clicking away, blissfully ignoring the child and doing her stuff. Almost not a word passed between them for the entire time.

Is this what the modern parent child relationship had become?

I don't mean to judge but I can't help but shudder at the resigned aloofness of the child (were children ever aloof and that quiet back in our time?) and the lack of attention from the mother.

Sigh...

Annoyance

2010-03-28T20:07:00.000+08:00

I pray for my sanity, I pray for greater patience, I pray for fortitude, I pray for control.

I wish to let go of my annoyance, I wish to be free from mental disturbance, I wish for strength of mind.

I hope for peace and freedom, I hope for less self torment and torture.

God please help me to let go of my irrational anger. God please help me to release my pain.

Please hear my prayers and my wish for salvation... I await for my deliverance from this neverending disgust...

Lessons I picked up from a mag

2010-03-28T12:33:00.000+08:00

Picked up this piece of advice from a magazine:

Expect the unexpected, but let go of expectations.

Cheem right?

Mingmei's interpretation:
We should not stress ourselves up by anticipating always that the worst will happen, but we should always keep our minds open for the possibility of the worst.

Make sense? Hmm...

Weddings

2010-03-27T19:34:00.000+08:00

Travelled to Kluang for Saravanan's wedding today. It was a long journey by normal standards but was really happy that I got to share and witness such an important day for him.

CONGRATULATIONS SARA!!! You did great and both of you looked wonderful!
~

I have to say this again, I love weddings.

I absolutely adore them. I love the idea of being able to bear witness to the joy and love of a beautiful couple. My happiness knows no bounds, I'm always smiling and always irrationally happy for the blessed couple.

Must have been all those weddings I have attended over the years when I was a child. I was always so glad to be at a wedding. The delight and the overwhelming feeling of blissfulness never did wan off over the years, instead it became even more heartwarming for me.

My ang pow may not always be the biggest, but my well wishes and the blessings I wish to send are never ending. If anyone doesn't mind a not so big ang pow, remember to invite me to your wedding k?

In Love with IPhone

2010-03-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

My 27th year birthday gift for myself is technically the IPhone I'm now using to update my blog.

I have to say this is one purchase that I'll never be able to bring myself to regret. I absolutely LOVE my phone!!!

Many who know me understand that I'm a person who can't stand being bored. Every minute and every second of my life needs to be filled with some activity. Be it sleeping, people watching, pondering, I must be doing something. I just can't stand it if I'm standing around with absolutely nothing to do.

Now my life has changed forever. From the tech dummy of the family I now feel like a tech geek.

Suddenly life is no longer filled with awkward pauses with absolutely no purpose. When I'm waiting around I can now read an E book, learn certain basics of a foreign language, even blog on the go!

Kudos to the person who invented the IPhone!

Thanks for enhancing my boring life!

The Animal Farm

2009-06-01T10:13:00.002+08:00

Napoleon exclaimed: "Have we not done enough for the animals in the farm? There is no reason for a revolt!"

Benjamin smiles mirthlessly in silence.

~

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others

Mad World

2009-04-08T22:45:00.007+08:00

Just finished watching the American Idol Top 8 with Katrina. The last to sing was Adam Lambert and he sang an unfamiliar song call Mad World.

It was something I've never heard before and it certainly wasn't quite of the genre that I would normally listen to, but listening to Adam sing this song, somehow I felt the song. It reached out to me in a way few songs do.

Went mad seeking out the various versions of the song avail on Youtube and also found the lyrics. I listened to the many versions of the song again and again and I started to weep with no apparent reason. It took a bit but I finally realised why I was so fascinated and obsessed with the song. I connected with "Mad World" because of the lyrics.

I completely identified with the song and at some points in my life I have felt this way. Repeatedly.

Out of place, uncomfortable, miserable, I've experienced the morbid emotions of wishing I were dead and gone from this world.

At one stage I felt so unhappy and dissatisfied with my life that I wished I were dead every single fricking day.

~

Mad World

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

~

You want to know what the most crazy thing is?

Once in a while, I actually still feel this way...

Bad Times

2009-03-10T21:22:00.004+08:00

The world has hit a thin patch of ice on a frozen lake and I have never felt it as acutely as I have this past week.

Just last week a colleague resigned within 24hr. Was working in the night so I didn't get to witness what exactly happened but the story goes something like this:

The colleague's a foreigner and her husband who works in the IT field got laid off 24hr after his company announced that they were looking into a paycut.

Not sure exactly what was the actual scenario but to cut the long story short, the colleague's husband had to leave Singapore, and she had to leave immediately with him.

She actually could have probably stayed here while he left the country since her job's still intact but I suppose it had all happened in such a short span of time that there really wasn't much room for her to consider her options. To stay in Singapore and try to strike it out all alone must have left cold chills in her heart so there was really not much choice but for her to quit her job and leave as well.

This was the neon signboard that was finally being lit up right before my face. The world is really faring badly now and this is really the time to be cautious. All around us there are dangerous swamps, the lucky ones hang on to whatever they could to keep afloat; the unfortunate ones get their feet stuck in quicksand and sink in the blink of an eye.

Ironically, the world economy's slowdown is precisely the reason for my increased work stress. A million and one new promotions and initiatives have come up in the face of lowered demand and slimmer profit margins. There are stakeholders and shareholders to be satisfied and we are scrambling to bring up the revenue, so we are now chameleons in training, ever changing and always adapting to something new in the renewed efforts to increase sales and instill loyalty. Loyalty, now more than ever before, seems to be in focus. We can't help if customers don't fly but if they do fly, we pray fervently that they would fly with us and contribute to our revenue.

It gets really tiring and frustrating sometimes. If I go away but 2 weeks and come back it might actually seem like I went off for a year. 3 days is enough to create 100 emails and there are constantly updates about what's changed.

The challenge of coping up with changes was part of the allure of the job, but now, I'm not sure if the challenge is still quite as attractive for me.

It does not help that I now work at night. I realised one thing. At night I'm awake but not quite as alert, and definitely not half as efficient as I was before. There's a sloppiness in how I deal with cases that was not there before. I fear that the slugginess would one day do me in. Everything is starting to become a drag and I really have to work on it to bring some motivation and discipline into myself.

I can only hang in there now. Hang on for the ride and pray for the best. I hope the storm blows over soon, before I get swallowed by the storm and lose myself. I pray for the strength to carry on and I hope everything gets better before I lose the battle and decide to give up and move on, right at a time when I'm most needed.

New Phone and New Situations

2009-02-15T19:51:00.002+08:00

Got my new phone finally today!! Have actually been talking and thinking about getting my new phone for ages but have been really unsure of what model to buy. After months of dragging on my feet I went out to get my phone today. Am taking it as a happy purchase in light of all the news I've received recently.

Just found out that the long anticipated and prayed for bonus will not come. While it was sort of expected given the track record of this place I work in, it still created sour feelings. What does a token of appreciation entail actually?

Being a virgin employee I have never come across situations as such and really don't know what to expect. I grew up thinking AWS is something standard for all companies, and that bonuses came at the end of the year. How naive right?

Sigh... I can just anticipate the "I told you so" response when I break this to my mother and my brothers. She's been encouraging me to leave forever and I'm the who's stubborn enough to stick on. When am I ever going to find the rational being that I know is in me somewhere?

On a brighter note though, am really glad they have finally promoted some of my colleagues. Am so happy for the few of them, it's been so long coming and they really deserve the promotion. Congratulations Fadhilah!!!

On another note, my transition to the night team seems to have gone on quite well. Love my teammates in Titan and am really grateful for all their support. Can you believe that by now I have been in the night team for more than a month officially? Wow, time really flies. It seemed like only yesterday that it was announced and here we are, more than one month in the team.

Am still trying my best to adjust in the night though. It's just really different. There aren't so many teams so it's not very often someone would come up and ask a question but then again I could tell that my concentration level for the day and the night is not the same. At night I have my good days and bad days. Sometimes I can choo choo like a train, sometimes I am like a sampan with no oar on it.

I think what I miss most about the day would be the people. All the colleagues in voice and non voice and even the clients. I loved running around you know, getting the answers to the questions posed to me if I didn't immediately have the answers myself. Now running around at night will just be either 1)creepy cause someone might think I'm a ghost 2)completely pointless cause there's no one to run to anyway.

Am now trying to focus on the positive and am trying to resolve as many leave issues as I could for my teammates. It's tough cos we don't have enough teammates to go around as it is, but there are always still people who would like to go on leave. We can't tell the staff that they can't take leave since it's an entitlement, so I'm now spending quite a proportion of my time dealing with the leave issues. Hopefully most, if not all, get a happy ending. =)

Don't think I'll ever be as happening a TL as BC but here's hoping that Titan will still embrace me as a TL they like.

Falling Out of Love

2008-12-26T20:51:00.005+08:00

Suddenly, I fell out of love with my job.

Had actually described my relationship with my work in such a way before to a colleague. I love my job as though it were a man I was deeply in love with. I dedicate myself fully to it, heart and soul and to the extent that it doesn't matter that I come back on weekends and put in additional hours, and it doesn't matter that I go home late and often had to resort to cabbing on my own expense. In fact, in an effort to do my work better and to be nearer to work, I took up the opportunity to rent a place nearby though I live right here in Singapore.

All of a sudden, a few months ago, I realised that I have been made a fool because of my love for something that could not love me back. It was like a switch, all of a sudden a light went out. Perhaps that is what a paradigm shift is really all about.

I really LOVED my job. I loved it like I loved my Mum and my brothers and my friends but love could bring about the deepest pain. I would have rather it was a deep infatuation so it wouldn't have hurt as bad but hey, no pain no gain, and as a colleague said, I've grown because of this. I may have become more jaded and even more sceptical but at least I'm less guillible compared to before.

My love for my job and the challenges it gives me made me blind to the faults of it. It didn't matter to me before, no matter how shitty the cases were, no matter how much I was bugged, I always found the strength to carry on. More recently I have failed to find that same motivation. I still do what I can, but I have developed now a sense of heckcareness. What good does it do me to put my heart into it only to have my heart smashed into smithereens?

Changes, there are so many changes, and not all are good. Frustration builds up but I'm still somehow too stubborn to go. Why is that? I ask myself, when and where is my limit? I have no answer as yet...

Life however is dropping me hints even when I refuse to take them. While I am not actively looking out for something else people in my family just happen to find something suitable for me, one after another.

Is this a sign, even in bad times such as this?

I ponder and I wonder, time and again.

My love for this "man" has waned and dimmed into a sense of deep companionship. I'm so used to it and so comfortable doing it that I'm actually quite complacent with it. After all where would I apply the same knowledge if I leave this comfort zone?

Am going into the night team soon and honestly, I don't know what to expect. Am praying now that all things go well and I won't fall asleep at work.

Perhaps this change, for once, is for the better? Only time can tell...

Possible Health Issues? Nasty members

2008-12-03T21:53:00.005+08:00

Am getting slightly worried about my health.

Was going about much of the same way today, send escalations, answer questions, send escalations, answer questions, then all of a sudden, my CPU and my monitor were moving in front of my eyes.

Think my entire face must have turned pale or maybe my expression looked weird cos the 2 guys who were asking me questions about work suddenly started asking me how I was.

It was just so sudden, out of nowhere I just got hit by a dizzy spell and all I could feel a rush. Hady said it could be a blood rush, Jack didn't comment but just asked if I was ok.

I was suddenly really scared and miserable. What's happening to me?! And then it wouldn't go away after a minute. What made it worse was, there I was, looking like something was wrong and still people came after me to ask questions and request for solutions. Don't they have a bit of compassion for others and give me a minute? Would it hurt to ask the question later or is it such a burning issue that it has to be solved pronto, dead or alive?

I recall only one instance when I had a similar spell. There was this one time when I stood up very abruptly and I got giddy too. This time it was different though, I could literally feel something rushing up (perhaps to my brain) and I didn't know what triggered it. Was it high blood pressure? Low blood pressure cause of no lunch? Or worse, an aneurysm?

I quickly placed myself on meal on my aux code and went off slowly to breathe a bit and get a toilet break. But even moving very slowly I still felt off balance for awhile though the worst of it wore off after the first few minutes. Is this what they term as vertigo? Don't think it's as serious as that, so what is this then? Will going to a doctor help to offer me some answers?

Think this is just my body protesting and telling me I need to take things more easily. I need to learn to take a break and relax. I need to be less angry with crazy members. I need to stand up for myself. I need to be less of a female gladiator at work and occasionally learn to even eat snake a bit.

For those who didn't know I work in a contact centre as a team leader and we are considered part of the travel industry. What with the BKK issues and also the BOM issues we have been going crazy and calls are just ringing off the hook. Members are getting upset and hurling abusive words already.

Unfortunately for us we serve a big group of selfish people who believe they are self entitled. They come from a multitude of different fields and backgrounds but many of them really do share some very similar traits, cheap, demanding, conniving, haughty etc etc.

Some members are nice, but most members have their own agenda and they may be the most glam and supposedly rich people in person but over the phone they all become the most nasty of beasts and creatures.

Occasionally when I meet a most horrible one I question why I'm still around taking all this crap from these SOBs but everytime I face a nice and appreciative one I am reminded of the reason why I'm still around. There may be horrid people in the world who are not worth a second of my time, but there are also always people out there who genuinely need help. If not for people like my team and myself who will serve all these deserving people?

To all those nasty shitass people who call us just to scream and shout and demand, don't you know that people are always more willing to help if you are nice and not if you are nasty? Why do you need to do stuff that make us curse and swear at you behind your back? Why do you always need to push your luck and be so bigoted to think that we live to serve your every whim? I don't owe you anything and my company doesn't owe you anything so back off!

To those who ask why is it that our service agents are not more senior and knowledgeable, have you given our staff a reason to stay? Why should we stay longer in this company to take your crap? If you question my worth and contribution in the company then why should I still be here? Why don't I go somewhere where I can be more appreciated by the people that I serve and not get shouted at and pressurised on a daily basis? And if people are always leaving and attrition is high who will be experienced enough to provide an answer to all your questions and demands?!

We'll all leave one day and when we leave, it just means that the next person will move forward to take our place. No one is indispensible and no one is expected to stay for truly very long. The vicious cycle never stops for no one can handle all this shit forever.

So wake up and smell the flowers you crazy members out there! Without us to serve you, you don't even get anything at all, so appreciate what we are serving you on a platter on a daily basis.

Burn Out

2008-11-27T19:59:00.006+08:00

Am feeling really burnt out recently.

There are a hundred and one million things to do, but cos of the changes in our office there are now less people to share the burden with and of course more stress to go with the work.

I just want to find a place and SCREAM OUT LOUD!!!

I imagine myself in the middle of a tropical rainforest and when I scream all the birds will fly out of the trees in shock; I shout in front of the great sea at a beach and all the fish will be scared out of water.

The thing is there isn't even a decent place where I could really scream and destress. Wherever I go in Singapore there are bound to be people and if I dare even shout people will think I'm gila and send me to IMH.

Sigh...

What am I going to do? I feel so tired on a daily basis and it gets more and more dreary to turn up for work. As it is I count two complaints on my account due to poor follow up.

I couldn't help it, how am I to finish so much escalations, field a thousand questions, do transaction monitorings, handle all the admin and HR issues and not feel like I'm a candle which has been burnt to the wick?

And on top of the workload there's also the issue with my Grandmother. I used to be able to stay back later to clear work but I do that less now as I have to sometimes leave earlier to make it in time to go to the hospital to visit her before visiting hours end. But if I don't stay back my escalations cannot get done. Now, cos of the team I'm heading, even if I do stay back it doesn't help at all, I still have to answer questions endlessly as there are still people in my team who are at work when my shift ends.

I really really prefer the time when I was in the 7am shift. Though it was unexpected to me to be placed in that shift but it was a blessing. Wonderful to be able to go home earlier. And even if I went home later it wouldn't actually be as late.

I still have unfortunately quite a lot of TMs to be done. But it does not seem like there is ever a time to do it.

Imagine my anger when a team member from another team came over to ask me some question and dared tell me that her team leader was doing TM!! I need to do TM too! But I don't do it at the expense of other team leaders and neglect my own team when anyone from my team has questions.

I really need to become less of a sponge. Why should a case which has been handled by another TL be handed over to me halfway? Is it even fair to do this to me? And the worst thing is I have too much backbone to follow suit, throw the cases that were escalated to me from agents from other teams back to their TLs.

Now, I'm trying to slowly cultivate the practice of turning them back to their TL. We each have our own workload and there is no reason why I deserve more work than others. If I receive a task for everything that I'm asked to do I believe I can top the task list in task closing.

But the fact is, my tasks seem to be not moving. I clear one task and more come through. It's a can of worms after another can of worms.

When can I stop being bugged? Physically, emotionally and mentally?!!

That's why today I went crazy. For a moment I wished I could be fired and I voiced that out in front of my director!! I said that if I was fired I didn't have to worry about the 2 months notice period.

How crazy have I become to say this in front of her at a time of such economic uncertainty.

Seriously speaking though, I wish I could really take a rest. Have one day where I can stay at home all day, no need to go to gym, tuition, work or anything at all. Just complete relaxation at home.

When will this day come before I really turn crazy??!!

I know the DEC hols is out, in fact my schedule has even been altered so that others who are taking leave will be covered by me.

Woe is me!!

I can only hope and pray, a million and one times that my CNY hols can be approved. If not, if not I might really just go nuts with the non-stop work.

Am I coherent to you? I fancy all of a sudden that I'm jumping from one topic to another and there's no complete link. Am I still making sense to anyone?

Exhausted, I'm completely beyond bushed and on top of my fatigue I have a numb and frozen shoulder due to the stress. I need to relax, I need to go off and rest but when will that be?

Mingmei is so tired she wants to cry and laugh at the same time. No more, no more, I wish for there to be no more pain, no more stress, no more despair...

Fear of the Unknown

2008-11-26T21:13:00.011+08:00

It seems that I have been surrounded by a lot of the same type of fear recently. The fear of the great unknown, of disease and pain, of death. And with the fear there is a great sense of helplessness...

. ~ .

It first started with my Grandmother. My father's mother is the only grandparent I have left on both sides of the family. About 2 months back (or was it even earlier?) she suddenly suffered from a minor heart attack.

She was feeling breathless at night and it didn't get better the next day so she was sent to the hospital. She was in SGH for close to a month. We thought she had to go for surgery, a bypass if it's serious and if it's not so serious, stenting.

We were so sure that she would at least be able to go for a surgery that we kept spending time prepping her about it. We slowly psycho-ed her that a surgery would be the solution to her pain, she will either survive the operation and get better, or simply not survive the operation. And though my Grandmother hadn't been quite so lucid for the past 2 years since she fell and hit her head, she seemed to understand and accept what we told her.

Little did we know that even an operation was not an option for her. After a long and extensive check, the doctors at the Singapore Heart Centre decided that she was not fit enough to have an operation.

There were too many arteries which have calcified and given her age, even if she were given an op the risk is too high and it will not improve her standard of living overall. Bypass operations are expensive and beyond that, they are very hard to recover from, so in the end she was ruled out for the bypass.

"What about the stenting?" we asked. Also out. Again too many arteries are affected and no point at all to stent for her. Believe it or not there is no way out, the only thing that we have left is time, time for the inevitable to happen.

When the doctors had come to this conclusion they decided there was nothing much more that the hospital could do for her and she was discharged. We didn't say a thing to her about her not being able to op, that she has no chance to really be treated this time.

Somehow, as though by sixth sense, she had known. It could be that she could see it in my Aunt and Uncle's faces when the doctor talked to them, it could be that she was still wise enough to deduce that something was not right, she suddenly became depressed and refused to eat when she went home.

No medicine, no food, she just simply clammed up everytime we tried to give her something. It got so bad that not that long after she was discharged she was admitted again, this time to TTSH. All the time we tried pacifying her, coaxing her, scolding her, bribing her but nothing worked. We were for a moment just as helpless as she was. She couldn't help her situation, and we couldn't help her.

My Mum said it could be the fear of death in my Grandmother which brought about her wilfulness. We have basically been told that she would never really recover from her heart problem, and death was a matter of time. It was as though she was trying to push herself further along that path, and the only thing that kept her alive was the fact that she wanted to live. That's why when she was hungry, she still ate, and when coaxed like a baby, she sometimes also ate.

She has now come out of that funk and we worry less cause she's eating and taking her medicine again but truly nothing fundamentally has changed. We are still waiting for time to catch up with her...

What is it like for her I sometimes wonder. To come to a point in life when we are completely helpless and at a loss about what we can do. Perhaps I have already entered that phase in my life, except the helplessness is not for myself, but for the people around me.

. ~ .

I saw and experienced the same helplessness in someone else I knew very recently after my Grandmother's episode. A colleague came to the office and all of a sudden he collapsed when he reached his desk. It was completely unexpected and caught us totally off guard. All I could think of at that moment was, "What happened?! What happened?!"

All there was at that moment was fear. His fear that something would happen to him, my fear that something might happen to him.

I later learnt that he's now suffering from a condition. The big and ugly C word that has struck terror and depression in him. There are many things that could run across a person's mind in a situaion like that.

Will death come? When will it come? Why has this happened at so young an age? What about the money? As the sole breadwinner who is going to take care of the family if anything happens? What about work? Will the job be jeopardised especially at this time when money is so crucial? When to let the family know? What to do next? Will my next day be my last?

I could only imagine how terrified and how lost I would be if put in this situation. Yet all I could do was to stand aside and watch things happen and ask "Why?" and "How?".

The fear was almost enough to drive him to his death but thank God he overcame his negative thoughts. But the fear would not end. He has the courage to live but no one is brave enough to not fear about how the future may unfold in this situation...

. ~ .

Even more recently there was the same fear and helplessness again. (Am I now beginning to magnet in all this?)

One day, I woke up to find my roommate in tears. She wanted to know if I had any medicated oil and she was crying.

For no rhyme or reason she had gotten up that morning with extreme pain on one side of her body and she could hardly move when she first got up. It was bad and she didn't know what it was.

Again I was thinking "How?", "Why?" but I didn't know what to do at all. I was frantic myself in my heart. It sounded like symptoms of a stroke but it CANNOT be!! She's even younger than me! I didn't dare to voice out the question in my heart.

She was crying badly cause she didn't know what it was. We woke up our other housemate but she also didn't know what this was all about. We were just bumbling around trying to calm her but we were at a complete loss. I realised that especially for me, I was just completely stoned. There was nothing I could do except trail them around in the house from the room to the living room, to the toilet and then back again to the living room.

As my roommate has a family member who is not well back at home, she is all the more sensitive to all of this. While she never voiced it out in her pain, I could sense that the fear really ran much deeper.

What if something bad happened to her, too? Could this be hereditary and she got it earlier than she thought she would? She is in a foreign land in order to make more money to help her family with the financing for the treatment of her family member. What is going to happen if something happened to her? And I thought, she is all alone here, who should we contact if something goes wrong? What should we say?

Yet I could do nothing at all, nothing I could say would comfort her as it was legitimate fear and her condition was foreign to us all. How could we reassure her when even we don't know what this really is?

Very luckily in the end we found that it could have just been a very severe case of a stiff neck like condition. The body is just frozen in place and movement simply hurts very badly. I could only say "Thank God!" that nothing really is wrong and this could be just a result of the extreme work stress we are facing in the office.

But what if something did go wrong? What could I have done about it except to wallow in the deep sense of helplessness?

. ~ .

I have had enough fear and helplessness to last me for a long time if not a lifetime. I see the fear in those around me and I experience the same terror, albeit in a milder dose. I pray sincerely that all around me will feel better. I pray for a way where I could be more of use to my loved ones.

And I wish never to be plagued myself by the same fears and also the torment of the unknown...

Window shopping for a new blog skin

2008-11-23T23:50:00.002+08:00

As most of you would have guessed I don't create my own blog skin.

Have been "window shopping" for a replacement blog skin for the better half of the night but haven't found one that I liked so far.

Xiaoyu!!! Why have you not created anything new recently?! I love your work and I love Jimmy Liao's work!!!

Haven't found anything I like to replace this skin but it has been around for some time. Will have to find something somehow.

Time changes, and it's time for my blog to "change clothes".

Cannot rest till I find a suitable new dress for my blog. Will continue my skin hunt tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have better luck the next day.

Have got much more to say but really am low on energy. Have to say goodnight now.. Tata..... See you'll very soon....... (hopefully..)

Removing The Cobwebs

2008-11-23T22:45:00.004+08:00

Cough cough... Wah, this place is so extremely dusty with all the cobwebs, how long have I not been back here leh?

In the spirit of spring cleaning, (can't wait for CNY to arrive and for the dreary hols to end) am back in business.

Hopefully this time I can sustain my enthusiasm for longer and write more entries? Hahaha...

In truth I'm back here cos of a special request. Ok, not so much of a special request but I'm back due to the comment of a really special friend. My dear friend PX mentioned that she does experience a bit of disappointment whenever she comes to this site and sees that there's absolutely no update at all.

I'm so touched that after this long there are still friends out there who support my blog!!! *weeps tears of eternal gratitude* At the same time really super guilty. Not only do I not keep in contact with most of my friends and peers due to my abnormal and sicko love relationship with my job, I even deprive them of the chance ot get updated on my life cos I leave this place in ruins!!! I'm an evil friend!! I ought to be shot!!!

Ok, enough of my dramatic antics, haha... The point is, I realise I haven't been updating anyone about my life, at all.

I won't blame any friend who doesn't count me as a friend anymore. Afterall all relationships require some form of maintenance. And I, the most lazy and heck care friend in the universe, always never bother to update my friends or keep in touch.

I would like to sincerely thank all my friends who actually keep me in the loop and keep me involved in their lives. If not for them all, I would be a miserable working class old maid who has nothing but her job to fuel her life and when her job begins to mean less to her, she would be left with nothing at all...

Damn, again I have slipped into my drama mode. Have I watched too much drama recently?? Or maybe I've watched too little so am suffering from a sudden outpour of dramatics? Gee...

Whatever's the case, for the time being Mingmei is back in business on her blog.

For those who are reading this, thanks for visiting this site and remembering Mingmei from time to time.

Random thoughts

2008-07-28T20:51:00.002+08:00

You know what? Time really flies.

It's been 6 mths since I last visited Facebook and as I look in on some of the profiles of ex-colleagues, schoolmates, etc, I can't help but feel guilty on how much I've missed out on the lives of some who are close and dear to me.

I've buried myself alive in work, finding my self worth only in getting everything done well in my workplace but I've lost myself in the process. How did I let things come down to this?

I wish I could be a better friend but I know I'm the world's greatest procrastinator. I may occasionally think of my friends but I never work hard enough to keep in contact.

I wish to be a better friend as others have been to me...

Imagine

2008-03-22T22:51:00.003+08:00

Haven't really been watching the American Idol series for the last few years and really don't know what possessed me to start watching but now that I have I'm hooked.

Some of these singers can really do justice to the original singers of the songs they sing. I was especially touched by David Archuleta when he sang his rendition of John Lennon's Imagine.

It brought the song back alive and this is the living proof that while a singer might have passed on his legend lives on forever.

I'm sure John Lennon would have been proud...

Imagine
by John Lennon
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

The end of my career as a teacher

2007-11-28T20:55:00.000+08:00

Have been teaching as a tuition teacher for quite a number of years now. But now... It seems I'm finally coming to a close for that phase of my life...

Actually I didn't consciously or actively seek out to be a tuition teacher in the beginning. A friend took up a tuition job but realised that she could not cope with the extra assignment so she asked me if I would take over. I did. For the next 6 years up till now I've taken a few jobs, not many to be honest but enough to collect a lot of fond memories of the times I've had with all my students.

My latest student didn't quite do so well for her SA2. She's already in Primary 4 and her parents are the most accomodating and wonderful people I've known. Knowing that I've failed them has caused me to be wrought with guilt. Why? Is it because I'm so often tired with work that I'm not putting in enough effort? Is it because I'm not strict enough? Whatever the reason may be, I believe I have finally now come to an end to my teaching career.

Melancholic, I think this is how I would describe how I feel now. I had continued to teach not because of the money but more because of the affection I have for my students. My students are just like sisters and brothers I never had and I'll forever remember my time as a half-baked teacher.

Falling in Love?

2007-11-26T22:03:00.001+08:00

A colleague casually asked me a question today that set me thinking for a bit.

She asked me if I were in love with a person we worked with. The horror!! My immediate response was to deny that but when I now come to reflect on it, in general, how am I to say whether if I really liked a person that way or not?

To be brutally honest, I really don't quite know what it truly means to be emotionally attracted to a person. Is it like what we see in the movies and the Korean dramas? Heart palpitations, thinking of the person time and again, seeking out the person in a crowd like a radar, loving from afar and peeping to salve the heartache? While I'll like to believe it could be like that(I'm an utter romantic), I have never quite experienced all that I've seen on the tv. Bad tao2 hua1 luck or is it just not supposed to be that way at all?

In consequent to my inexperience in the dating field, I have totally no concept of what is the correct response to a person's advances, or worse still, I seriously have no idea when a person might even be really the slightest interested or not. I also don't know how to show my interest if there is any from my end. Do I even know when does the attraction begins for me?! And then how do you differentiate between true interest and good natured teasing? And for those who don't tease how do you catch the signs? Better yet, how do I emit my own signals without being too offensively direct and forward?

Hmm... Is there any written or unwritten rule out there? Or is there any instructions manual that really works? Like I don't know, Dating for the TRUE DUMMIES??

I may not have found someone I really like now but who is to tell what is in store in the future? I'm gaining age and wisdom by the day and I'll really like to experience love at least once before I grow old and retire. People say you have to make your own opportunities but frankly I'm still too horrified by the possibility that I'll make the wrong conclusions or be smacked flat with a mosquito swat should I ever find the courage to approach whom I like. Will I ever become that gladiator type, charge forward and shi4 ai4(express my feelings/love)? Perish the thought! At the present moment it is about as possible as my quitting fast food. (Possible but highly unlikely...)

So now I pray... I pray to the God for a warrior man who is direct enough to not just drop hints but give me a direct sign. I am as blur as a sotong wearing extra thick spectacles and if no one points out a road for me I'll just go bang my head against the wall. I don't want to play guessing games, I want to know if I should place my affection here and now. So I need my warrior to be braver than me, so that I can be that little bit timid and maintain that bit of modesty.

Until then... Until my dream warrior comes along or until I become a garang gladiator, all crushes or attraction I may have of any male, colleague or not, will be simply swept under a carpet, never to be mentioned ever.

Moving On

2007-10-28T21:43:00.000+08:00

I realised by far the most difficult thing for me to do in my life is to move on.

Everyone is moving on around me, but I find it difficult to leave it all behind. Was looking through my old emails and saw the pics I received from the time I had an outing with my colleagues. It was really just one year ago but it feels like it's been forever. Everyone seemed to start out with hopes and aspirations and it felt like we would be together for a long time but now... I am losing my friends. Over the year more than half the colleagues I started out with have left the company.

I understand everything about greener pastures but I really wish we all could still be together. But the fact is... Nothing stays forever.

Almost every week I say goodbye to another friend and colleague and sometimes it's really heartbreaking. Time moves too fast for me to feel the pain but when I have the time to stop and ponder...

Nothing is forever, so I guess I'll just have to cherish the time I do still have with all who are remaining...

Hospital Woes

2007-09-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

It's been exactly one week since my Grandma's been hospitalised in Tan Tock Seng Hospital again for the 2nd time this year.

She was going to the toilet in the middle of the night and suddenly she lost control of her faculties and collapsed. Even though the maid was right behind her she could not stop her fall, only managed to cushion part of her fall. I supposed it was really very fortunate that it wasn't more serious than it is right now. She fractured her arm and her hip area and she might need surgery. The doctors are still trying to determine whether it is safe for her to have the surgery considering her age. The estimated recuperation period this time will be around 2-3 months.

The last time she fell it was so bad that she suffered from temporary amnesia and up till now she has not regained her full mental faculties. She still has a bit of difficulty expressing herself though she can recognise us all now.

Was so worried when I received the news that she fell again last week. In my heart I was really worried that this time would be worse than the last. Thank God it was not as serious.

My brothers were just as worried when they heard but that was in part cos of my Mother's way of informing them. To simply msg that your Grandma is warded in hospital without giving more info on her condition is really ominous.

Now almost every evening will visit TTSH before I head home. Can't believe I'm a regular there again.

Hope my Grandma will get better soon, can tell she really misses home...

Seletar Camp Tales

2007-09-17T22:17:00.001+08:00

Ok, really had a very weird experience today. Never knew that army camps can be so dark and gloomy.

My brother the Blur King forgot to bring something important when he went back to camp yesterday as a result I had to become his personal courier woman. Geez, thank God for taxis cos if the taxi uncle wasn't with me I'll likely be scared out of my wits.

The Seletar Camp is so dark and scary at night!! I remembered asking my bro to msg me with the directions of exactly how to reach the guard house too bad he's not too good at taking directions. Luckily I was in a cab so when we went to the wrong place the uncle could still drive me to another place to try. Thank God again that we were relatively lucky. I truly believe in sixth sense now. The uncle was going to drive forward to who knows where but with sheer good sense and instinct to guide me I managed to ask the Uncle to try the small lane with light at the end.

And There Was Light!! I finally found the correct camp after going to another camp. Can't believe that when I asked the boys from the other camp they couldn't even help to provide the least bit of directions. Pointing to the horizon really doesn't provide any help, especially in the dark. Was extremely lucky to find the place when I did. The Uncle even mentioned that there was no guard house in sight. And indeed, the Guard House wasn't obvious at all, it was inside the gates and luckily there was some tel no. on the gate otherwise what should I do? Climb the gates?

Luckily I finally managed to complete the mission and passed the document on to the Guard House officer. Am going to offer my bro a piece of my mind for leaving me stranded like that. Hmmph...

~

Encode Decode
Can you guess what unit I went?
Love Old Girls In Skimpy Tight Icky Coloured Skirts

Long time no blog

2007-09-06T23:20:00.000+08:00

Ok, again it's been ages since I last blogged. Have accumulated a thousand thoughts that I would like to put in writing, so much so that I don't even know where to start...

Thanks to my subtle hints and guilting, I finally got myself a new baby of my own. After a long time of borrowing the laptops of my brothers I've finally gotten my very own PC!! YEAH!!!

This means I probably can start blogging more regularly and if I don't, hmm... That probably will be because I'm far too lazy to type...

Must scold me if I let this space gather so much dust again k?

~

Went watching a movie with my colleagues today. Really quite enjoyed it! Hairspray has loads of catchy songs which made me itch to stand up and dance together with them. I miss dancing, I mean really dancing. The last couple of times I appeared at a night scene it was really boring. What's the fun in dancing yourself and watching the rest of the crowd stand around? It's like, huh? I'm here to dance but am I the only one interested in doing that?

Anyway back to Hairspray, it didn't have much of a romantic plot but it was funny and entertaining all the same. Would love to get the VCD, just so I can learn their moves. Can then go show off on MAMBO night, if anyone of my peers still go dancing at ZOUK on Wednesdays...

~

This reminds me of my most recent clubbing experience. We were officially going to be split up as a team (kind of) and so by the recommendation of my colleagues we went to a nightspot called Ixxxxx (name of club will be protected in case I get sued, hahaha...)

Invited one of my best friends to come join us but I really ended up wishing I hadn't. It was really nothing like all the other joints I've been before. It was really SHOCKING and a 100% eye-opener for me. I thought it was like a normal club with a live band but it was really much like a club for expats and "professional ladies". I can't begin to explain how freaked out I was. I finally know what the expression mu4 gua1 yuan2 means. There were so many of them well-endowed women and there were so many foreigners. The music was so loud and when I was trying to call my friend to ask her to not bother to come join us I even stumbled upon a nook where there was a God the ladies prayed to for good business. The lady was adjusting her breasts (not her bra k her breasts) right next to me! *stage faint*

I think I really am a faint hearted person and really far too uptight. I was completely scandalised for awhile but I think I was more freaked by the no of foreigners there than the no of professional ladies I saw. xiao3 ti2 da4 zuo4 is really what described me then. While I cooled down and relaxed after awhile I was still extremely embarrassed that I asked my best friend to come by. It was definitely not what I had expected and I can't imagine that she enjoyed being there at all. Really SORRY Xian! Next time let's go to a place we can really dance the night away k?

~

Ok, I really don't know how I managed to stray so far when I was wanting to talk about a movie I watched. Just goes to show how many brimming thoughts I have in that brain of mind. I've used up the RAM and urgently need to backup some data on an external hard drive otherwise I'll drive myself crazy with my thoughts!!

Have plenty more to write but guess I'll leave some for another day. Better go and sleep today so I can tackle another day of work. Weekend is completely packed up and won't possibly get any rest so I better get some sleep now while I can.

~

Goodnight everyone and promise I'll blog again very VERY soon.......

Zzzzzzzz..............

Bad dream

2007-07-16T22:23:00.001+08:00

Had a bad dream about a good friend being ill...

It was a horrible dream, the kind where you could wake up crying to...

So vivid and real that for a moment I had really thought it was all real.

I walked in to the hospital room and seeing her all so weak and ill I started sobbing inconsolably in the dream. Why didn't she tell us? Why didn't she inform anyone of us so we can be there for her?!

Luckily, it was just a dream and I woke up before I started to burst into tears...

My friends, wherever you are, know that my best wishes are with all of you. Take care of yourselves, never shoulder any pain alone...

Illegal cat pooping

2007-07-03T19:30:00.000+08:00

Recently there's been a spat of illegal cat pooping in my area. Ok, it's not really illegal in a sense but it's damn right disgusting and I finally did something about it.

It started with just one twirl of poop coming out of nowhere and then suddenly, the common corridor where my Dad tries to be an successful green thumb is full of cat poop here and there.

It's really beyond frustrating cos you don't know who's responsible and there's no one in particular to blame. There are plenty of suspects; we have more than one neighbour who rear cats, in fact the next door neighbour has a cat but I'm trying to curb my evil mind from thinking that they are the ones responsible. It could also be the increasing number of wild cats we have around here. Some nights we get to hear their melodious rhapsodies of love, some other times we hear their ferocious posturing before a cat fight.

Sigh... I don't mind the cats, I really don't. The wild ones are getting to look so beautiful (with full length tails mind you, no longer those tortured cats of the past) that sometimes you have to fight the urge to bring one home. The fur is so soft and pretty that you just KNOW they are very well fed. Courtesy of the cat lovers we have around the block.

The only biggest question I have here is: Does my plant rearing area look like a public toilet to anyone (or any cat for that matter)? I initially thought if enough poop appears maybe the cats will be disgusted too and will look for another toilet but nope, they fell in love with this beautiful, leafy green area for them to poop in.

You have no idea how many times I had come up with silly ideas of putting up signs like "Be Responsible! Clean up after your pet!" or "No Cats Allowed" or something as ridiculous.

Finally couldn't take it anymore. I went out and bought the biggest bottle of Dettol I could find, forced myself to clear all those shit and sprayed the whole area with Dettol to disinfect the place. I was beyond hysterical when I was clearing the shit cos there was just so much of it everywhere, OH MY GOD!! Luckily no neighbours were walking around or they'll surely think I'm siao.

Now it's all finally cleared away, hopefully, really hopefully the Dettol will double up as a deterrent cos of the smell. Do cats have a sensitive sense of smell too? I pray that this is the end of my poop terror cos I'm really breaking down in disgust. Why else would I be devoting a post to faeces?

Unhappiness with a brother

2007-05-20T19:28:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really can't understand why my brother and I can get into such quarrels with each other over something as inane as ordering the food for dinner. I don't get him, why is there the constant need for him to feel 'fair' in the sense that someone else has to go and order other than him. Can't we all be self-sacrificing angels every once in awhile. And even when there already is a self-sacrificing angel to do the dirty work he doesn't stop, does he have to be so self-righteous?!

We were going out to have dinner as a family before Zhi has to book in for the week. I really wasn't particularly hungry cos I had a late lunch but I really wanted us to have dinner together you know, afterall we seldom get the chance to sit down and eat together, less so now that Zhi is in the army.

Learnt from Zhi that it was Han, our cousin's birthday so I got his no from Quan and wrote him a Happy Birthday msg. Didn't quite expect him to reply as he did really. He sounded a little pessimistic to me and the vibe was that he didn't really much get to enjoy his birthday.

While my Ma and bros were discussing on what to eat I was simply focussed on the msg I just received and I hardly even heard what they wanted to eat. All that I knew next was that I was expected to go do the ordering. Now, of course you can say that part of the issue here was that I was being lazy and not wanting to move but really, from my viewpoint I really have sufficient reasons you know!

There I was trying to send my cousin a uplifting and encouraging reply, I was just trying to focus on doing that. Anyone with have any skills of observation at all would have noticed that I was occupied and that I wasn't 'there' at all the whole time they were discussing. Given that I was occupied and my brothers weren't I thought it shouldn't be a problem for them to go order but Quan just had to build a mountain out of a molehill.

He accused me of just sitting there, not wanting to order. It was the most ridiculous and ironic statement I've heard seeing that he was doing exactly the same thing. Like Zhi said, we were just being plain lazy and not willing to move.

From my side of things I really didn't know what was I to order and I hadn't even finished writing my msg yet. I was trying to console and encourage my cousin all at the same time and given that I am such a slow typer it really does take me some time to compose the msg.

In the end, Zhi, the saviour went to order and still he wasn't pleased and kept trying to chew me out. Come on! I wasn't just trying to make excuses, this is a small thing, it doesn't take him or me a lot of effort, and it had already been done by my self-sacrificing brother. I just don't get why he needed to harp at it and rag at me and say things like "You think I like to eat with you, I wouldn't if you're not my family" and such.

What is this? Just cos of such a small thing he has to start on personal attacks. I f he would just open his eyes he would know I was occupied with something, I didn't even bother to think of a drink I wish to have, just ordered as the others have. Why can't he be a bit more perceptive and probably a bit more gentlemanly? He is not obligated to order food but neither am I. I don't know what makes today so special and I don't get why he can't see that I wasn't trying to shrug it off, though I do loathe to always be asked to do the ordering.

Maybe cos I'm the eldest I'm always the one to be asked to do the ordering. I don't quite mind it so much but cos of the principle of the matter I would sometimes get them to do it. Won't do for them to have the habit of always getting others to order for them. Really worried that when they get girlfriends out of habit they would also ask them to do the ordering while they wait on to be served.

Our family works in a really queer way. My Mum never orders cos she's the queen and the rest of the family used to depend on me to do it. The excuse was that they didn't know how to. Now that they are older, we all know perfectly well that we are all capable of ordering. Now the only thing I wonder about it, does it hurt for him to order this once when he should be able to see that I'm doing something?!

And I did point it out to him, even though it was in a belligerent way after he started accusing me. I was more than upset, I didn't even need to be there to be chewed out and after Zhi went to order I just wanted to keep quiet and get my msg finished but like an old hag he just went on and on about how nasty it was to eat with me.

Forget it, I wasn't hungry anyway, no need to stay there and be subjected to such malice. I simply hijacked out of there without even finishing my drink.

My point is, after years of being the Amah in the family when my brothers were younger, is it that much of a torture for them to do it for once. Imagine if when I was in Primary or even Secondary school I had said to the little tot, "I ordered the last time, you should do it now." It wouldn't have been fair would it? And I know that is what is running through his mind, he had ordered once upon a time the last we ate out and so this time someone else other than him should do it and for some reason I have to be the designated person to do it. Apparently this has got to do with my figure also, cos I'm fat I should be the one to order, what?!!

Sometimes I wonder, should I then say, I ordered for so many so many times since we were in Primary school and so now you should compensate for the difference in the times I have provided you with such a service. Does it make sense to anyone?

What a jerk...

24th Birthday heartfelt thoughts

2007-03-21T22:57:00.000+08:00

Woah! Been forever since I last updated my blog, think it's been so long that that cobwebs are already forming around my blog. Loads to update, wanted to write for countless times but never ever got around to doing it.

Have been a bad friend this year. Past years I would remember to send msgs to some friends to wish them Happy Birthday or Happy CNY but this year has been so hectic that I just let all that slip through my hands and hecked it all.

Luckily my friends are really much better people then I am.

Was feeling a bit lost, depressed and burnt out last week and thanks to my darling friends the momentary gloom has blown past like haze washed out by rain. I thank all my friends who remembered my birthday and I cannot begin to say how thankful I am to have you'll by my side. All the msgs I received on Monday certainly brightened up my day loads.

Photo's from last Fri when I met up with Jiahui and Jialing at Thai Express. Think I'm starting to get addicted to their Tom Yam Seafood Soup with Dong Fen (can't quite remember what the name was in Thai). Liked their Mango with sweet glutinous rice and also their Coconut Ice cream with Red Rubies or Red Bean Paste a lot too. Definitely have to go back there again.

Have to post an extra special shoutout to my ex student Valerie as well. Thanks for the birthday greeting Valerie!! I totally forgot to reply your msg after work, paiseh paiseh! Thanks for remembering my big day, am really touched.

I love you all, I really do. Every year there are bound to be people who would remember and some who forgot, but this year probably cos I felt rather vulnerable, I really am exceptionally grateful to those who remembered. Thank you for being such good friends... Thank you...

How's life?

2007-01-15T22:40:00.000+08:00

Am now finally settled down back in my own place again. It took only a total of 2 weekends for me to get everything packed up and boot out of my Aunt's place. A bit sad for me cos after I cleared everything you could see the big empty spaces that I took up in the time I was there. The bed my Aunt set up for me, the entire wardrobe that's now almost completely empty, the empty underwear drawer... I only have got some books, makan and shoes left there, once I go pick those stuff up it'll be as good as I never stayed there. Wonder not for the first time, will my Aunts feel lonely or do they find that it's really good riddance?

Sent off my younger bro to Tekong on Saturday. Wanted to give him a goodbye hug but he rejected me!! Hmm... He's no fun at all. Was a bit worried for him, just a tiny bit, but I think he'd adjust very well cos he's so good natured and all you know. Heard he's got some friends in the same platoon and also in the same section, our boy is becoming a man soon.... Sobs..... Time really flies.......

I have absolutely no space, no space at all to store all my stuff now that I've returned. It's especially bad for my clothes, my wardrobe is the same small one but my clothes has multiplied. No matter how I clear I still have too many clothes and too little space. I really need a new wardrobe man, a bigger one so that I don't ever need to experience another 'landslide' (or maybe I can term it "clotheslide"?) ever again. Too bad I haven't got the budget or the time at the moment to think of that... Have to think of some alternative solution soon...

Kapoked some pics from a colleague for New Year's Day. What did I do for New Year's Day and what adventure did I get into really? For those who are really interested to know, I'd probably tell you in person one day ya? For now, these are some of my colleagues in my office. The ones that are still sober at around 1 to 2am that is. I don't drink so it's extremely amusing to see some of my colleagues drunk. Learnt a new malay term that day too, mabok = drunk. Not sure I spelt that correctly though. Don't think I have any more updates in my life at the moment, if there's anything interesting I'll try to blog it ya?

Very tired now so sounding a bit, I don't know, incoherent and chin chai I think. Haphazard writing. Better go tidur (sleep) soon, am starting to tear cos I'm so lethargic...

Night everyone, till the next time, tata....

Narcissist

2007-01-06T19:02:00.000+08:00

Looked into my phone's 'photo album' and suddenly realised how narcissistic I am. Almost more than 90% of all the pics there are my individual portraits!! Either I seriously have no life and never ever thought to use my phone to take pics with friends and family or I really love my big fat round face a whole lot. It can be either or, take your pick.

Just came back from the office and am now taking a rest before I start moving a lot of stuff across Yishun. Yes, for those who know of my situation, I am moving home now. Sigh... The inevitable has come around. My youngest bro is going into the army and I'm expected to go home. There are some pros and cons to moving home, not going to elaborate on them, just know I have mixed feelings about this.

Sigh again... Life is as such, li li he he, when you have to go you have to go. Going to really miss my aunts but sometimes it really is more appropriate this way. Don't have to explain to every interested stranger on why I have to specially meet my Ma for dinner every week anymore I guess...

Am going to move some of my stuff back first, think by next week I'd be booting out of here. Will my aunts miss my presence or are that glad that I'd be gone? Hmm... I hope it's the former. I know I will miss them when I'm gone.

Confusion

2007-01-05T20:43:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year Everyone!!

Am quite a few days late but better late then never right? ;p

Sigh, am suffering from a throat problem now. Physically I feel completely alright, the only thing that's not right with me is my voice. I've lost my voice!!

Am hoping tomorrow my voice will come back. So far this is really the very first time in my life that I've lost my voice. I feel so crippled. It's really a bad feeling.

Still went in for work today since I feel fine but had to go around begging for paperwork to do since I can't answer the calls. Really have to learn to take better care of myself. It's the first time ever that I've fallen ill since I started work with my company.

There are loads of things that I can update about my life but really don't know where to begin. Sigh... Think I am seriously considering something and until I've gotten the answer to my question I won't blog about it.

But... Damn it, it feels like it's bursting out of me soon but I haven't got it all figured out so how am I to put it into words... I better figure it all out soon... I'm troubling over things that are non-existent again, sigh...

Confused yet? If you are then you understand how I feel...

Gee... This post is getting more and more nonsensical, maybe I'm more sick then I think I am. Better rest earlier today and hope that I can get back on the floor tomorrow...

Ciao...

Hectic days

2006-12-03T21:31:00.000+08:00

Can you believe how long I've been MIA on my own blog? Think all my friends who do check out my blog are swatting away the mosquitoes gathering here by now. Mosquitoes or spider webs. Apologise for not updating for so long! Am still alive and kicking, only I have been leading such a hectic lifestyle recently I really have almost no time left for leisure. This unfortunately also equates to no blogging.

I have an awful lot to update about my life but really don't know where to start so am going to just put in minute points

- I'm working shift now, so no life whatsoever
- My pay is low and I've finally decided to get off my lazy bum and look for something more challenging (or at least something that pays more)
- Am binging on ice-cream everyday to destress so please tell me I've become fatter the next time you see me so I may have a little motivation to stop doing that
- I'm working on Christmas day but I'm off 22/12 and 25/12, when was that Christmas party for Werkz again?

Got other stuff to say but can't remember what so will stop right here. Till the next time, ciao!!!

Cheek

2006-10-17T22:00:00.000+08:00

Heard about this production over the radio last week and I really think I'm going to go watch this. Asked the girls and they seem to be ok with watching it too. It's $25 per person before the SISTIC charges, you'll still keen on going? If anyone's interested please tell me k? Am likely going to go book a ticket soon! Am so excited! Haven't got a chance to watch a theatre production in ages! SO excited!! Hope it's going to be better or at least as good as expected...

Cheek

By Cake Theatrical Production

26 - 28 October 2006, 8pm

Venue

Drama Centre Black Box

(at National Library, Level 5)

Synopsis
ANTIGONE doesn't like the new ruler. She's gonna take things into her own hands and she ain't gonna back down!!!

AUNTY reflects upon her life of servitude to her pig of a husband and bum of a daughter. She decides to diss them and take back her life!!!

MARGUERITE was stared at everywhere she went. But she snapped her fingers and kept strutting!!!

Written and directed by Natalie Hennedige, and performed by Lim Kay Siu, Neo Swee Lin, Jean Ng, Karen Tan & Andree Weschler, CHEEK is a bold re-make of of Sophocles' Antigone. In this rebirth, triplets are conceived - let's just say Aunty and Marguerite are distant relatives of Antigone and the same blood runs through their veins.

CHEEK is set to be a refreshingly original whirlwind of a show, which fuses popular culture, found and original text."

Superfate!

2006-10-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

Was recommended by Rong this website which features fortune telling. My brother doesn't think it is very zhun3 for him but I find that it does apply to a certain extent for me. What do you think?

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Your sign is Sun in Chinese Horoscope

Your life is represented by the sun in spring, shining all over the place, but you are too busy helping others and leave no time for yourself. You are a person of passion and manners, and like wise and trustworthy people. As a person of sunshine, you are enthusiastic and generous, and also a leader type, not a follower.

Your characteristics, subconscious, and behavior modes, according to your fate and destiny, are represented by the sun. Bright, warmhearted, generous, and not fussy about details, you do not like to make small social circles and believe firmly in justice.

The sun is the leader in the sky, so you have natural leadership ability, and the desire and dedication to perform and sacrifice as long as you have the respect and support from others. The sun shines everywhere, so you also like to be fair and make sure everyone is covered and shares the profit. The sun revolves regularly everyday in its orbit, so you are a very disciplined person who rarely quits halfway, and no one can force you to do something you don't want to do.

You like honest individuals who keep their promises, dislike opinionated people, and admire peope with artistic talent and those who can enrich your spirit. Your entire life is like the sun, subject to public focus and attention, yet striving relentlessly. The sun in the cold winter is the most difficult time of your life, but you can bear it and flourish eventually.

Blown Over

2006-10-04T22:30:00.000+08:00

What started as just a harmless inside joke kind of grew beyond my expectations but I'm glad it's kind of blown over now. Those relevant little parts were just meant to be little giggle points for the insiders, and I guess (due to a lack of foresight) I never ever thought I'd get caught with my pants down. It stops being funny when the person being giggled at realises the giggling is going on...

I seriously thought only the select few have access to my blog (not many ppl have my blog addy) but it's a small world and everyone's linked up somehow, should have taken note of that... It's ok for ANYONE to read my blog, just never expected this you know...

Had I thought of that I would have tried to be a bit more sensitive and at least encode my statements so that it's not so obvious. I'm mostly straightforward, sometimes sarcastic but never intentionally malicious. Don't read too much into what I write, I mean exactly what I say.

Anyway, the relevant party has gotten my reply so am going to hide that entry away until I get the official 'it's ok' from the authorities. Tried my best to make it subtle but still am worried that it might have implied too much.

This is my official closing statement for this saga.

CASE CLOSED!

Occupational Hazard

2006-10-03T22:17:00.000+08:00

Sigh.... Alas, being judgemental is an occupational hazard that I cannot avoid, apologise to the slighted party for putting him in a bad, even angry, mood but I've done my best to explain my position for the situation.....

It's just a personal view, it's not the whole world, so please, by all means, ignore me, ya?

Friday Night Out

2006-10-01T11:56:00.000+08:00

I kept forgetting there's one more thing that I wanted to blog about!!

Had a nice Friday night out for once finally. Met up with Jac, Rong and Xian and had a great time. Though Cafe Cartel was slow and abominable in service, Wine Company was relaxing and beautiful and Balaclava was interesting to say the least. Bala will remain in my mind now as the sacred place of merlions ~~and not cleanly shaven, ham sup los...~~ (*winks to the ppl who know what I mean)

I loved the atmosphere of Wine Company. The trees, in the shadowy light of the candles and the occasional spotlight, really looks magnificent. We drank an Italian white wine that Jac recommended. It was so sweet and tasty I could have taken it all but as it was, three glasses were enough to give me a tiny rash that has lasted till today. Here's a description of the wine that I got from Wine Company's website.

Piedmont - Porta Rossa Moscato d’Asti NV DOCG
Made from 100% Muscadelle grapes, the wine is light straw yellow in colour. An aromatic wine with a flowery bouquet. The slight fizz gives the wine the zest that it is known for. The low alcohol content makes this the ideal tipple for casual occasions.
(Alc. 5.0%)

It was truly a lovely time... I really can't get over the overwhelmingly relaxing mood the place puts me into. So leisurely... I could have nua-ded there all night and not leave till dawn but alas, we had to go to a second spot to join Xian's friends.

One of her friends' friend was leaving for Japan I think, so we joined them at Bala. Only got to know a few of them but it was nice, meeting new people and talking to them about things in general. Am trying to learn the art of small talk, I'm not such a good small talker and I don't make well for conversation or entertainment. Lapsed into silence I think at some point near one cos of lethargy and also cos of a sms I received that asked when I'll be home...

Bala's not quite so much for me I think, people only go there to drink and talk, but I can do neither. Drink more than one or two and I'll become a monkey cos of my allergy to alcohol, talk too vocally and I'll offend others. Sigh... I'm better off going to dancing clubs or atmospheric wine bars rather than normal bars I guess.

Was really nice meeting Eugene and Remus, but hope NEVER ~~EVER~~ to see Jeffrey again. All the Best to Kiat in Japan and hope we get to all hang out again. =D

Phone buying

2006-10-01T11:37:00.000+08:00

Am thinking to go get a new phone cos the old one is cranky and needs to be retired but boy is it a chore to go get one. 3 weeks I've been trying to get this done but it keeps getting screwed up somehow. I'm getting impatient with myself, I like to get purchases done chop chop you know, let it be done and over with so that I don't have to worry about it again for the next(hopefully, if no breakdowns occur) two years or so. Think it all boils down to the fact that what I want is not what I need, and in any case, what I want is what I can't afford.

When you ask me what I need, damn, what I need, REALLY need is just a phone that won't die on me in a few months, is user friendly, is relatively affordable and that has a camera function. (just for that extra perk that I've restrained myself from having in the past, everyone's gone on to cams and 3G and I'm stuck in prehistoric age)

What I want though, actually, I'm the sort who believes that we should buy the best that we can afford so that if we use it for two years, the phone still won't be considered that lao pok even as technology changes in the speed of light. Unfortunately, that for me, is a luxury now. I don't care much for 3G actually, so that can be excluded but it would be nice if the function of the camera can be better so I can use the phone for a camera sometimes. The digital camera age has been around so long but I've never bought one for myself before. Is it cos I don't like to take pictures? No, not really. Actually I like to be the one to take the pics so that the memory is in MY memory card so that I can have the pics to keep and not always have to mafan others to send the pics to me or something. I can't though, and because of the way I prioritise my purchases I think I might not own a digicam until 5 yrs later. Hopefully by then I would have happily made it higher in ranks in my company and would be earning a better pay so that such a purchase wouldn't be considered a she1 chi3...

Now? Now I'm just going to settle with a phone that is within what I need and not what I want. Next time, when I feel I'm financially well off enough to think of giving myself a treat, I'll go for what I want. Target time: Two years down the road. ;D

Gan chu

2006-10-01T11:28:00.000+08:00

Was crawling around on the Net and something I saw made me have a little bit of gan chu... Sometimes, as time passes and affinity ends, all traces of us having ever been around gets erased off... All that is left is perhaps the memories in our hearts, and even that fades off with time...

Wish life is less cruel... Wish I were less passive... Looked at my friendster list and it says that I have got 100 friends, I don't know how true is that. I believe I probably have one hundred acquaintances, we chat briefly should we meet but we don't really make the effort to catch up with each other. We're just not that very interested in each others lives. I sometimes do think of some of these friends, now and then I think of contacting them, but really, how many of them do wish to keep in contact with me? It would be like that time when I chatted with a so and so online, there was no flow and conversation was completely stilted, unfortunate but always the case when the distance gets to us.

Wish I were a better friend, or even a better student for that matter, and really REALLY take the effort to keep in touch and keep my friends, teachers and shifus close to not just my heart but my person... However, I'm ultimately just that lazy person who stops at thinking and wondering...

Hi again Peixuan!

2006-09-24T19:57:00.000+08:00

Wanted to show Peixuan the picture that I loved the most in her album, think it shows her in a great light. What do you think?

This is the one.

Think it's really the light and the smile, so endearing and beautiful.

Peixuan ar, please tell Keith that he really looks much younger when he's dressing down, and especially when he's wearing his specs, look so young! He really looks quite different in formal and non-formal clothing. Think he's more harmless than I thought too. Can tell cos of his family, his Dad looked like he's a really nice person. Nice Dad so theoretically should be nice son too.

Love your apartments! So nice! Wish I could afford to live alone for awhile too, would be a refreshing change. But think if I really get that kind of luxury in no time it'll be a pig sty so before I can afford to hire an Auntie to help out at home, I'll leave all thoughts of living alone in my dreams... ;p

Nothing much left to add but these 2 pics, Aunt took them of me to 'test drive' the camera she borrowed from my other aunt. Ignore the icky nightie will ya? Was having a late dinner and these were meant to be candid camera.

Think I look quite cheery in these and it shows that I'm really quite happy these days so don't be worried for me Jiahui! I'm doing fine, honest! I'm sleeping better too these days cos of the lethargy, which, in a warped way is actually a pretty good thing for me.

Will work hard and try to play hard too! Take care everyone and live life to the fullest! Cheers!

P/s Ignore the white light ya? It's just my Aunt's finger. ;D

Work Chronicles

2006-09-23T18:43:00.000+08:00

Whoa! Read through my past few entries and realised I really haven't been updating anything about my life properly this past month!

Am apologising to anyone who's counting on this blog to know what's going on in my life and will try to update on all the key events ya?

Am officially employed now by a company called Teledirect Pte Ltd as a customer service representative. We are the third party vendor for a rather prestigious company and I must say that I really have been enjoying myself these past weeks since I've started work. I have the most helpful, humourous, interesting, kind, amiable... (the list goes on) colleagues. I LOVE the products of my company. I LOVE the challenge of being a pioneer in my company and learning everything. Hmm... Think I've suddenly found back the competitive me after having that side of me be dormant for almost 11 years...

The only, ONLY, downside of my job is the pay. I'm not going to elaborate, but suffice it to say that it is less than satisfactory. As a result of that, I went on to an interview with another company today for a similar position. I have super conflicting feelings about this, I feel like a traitor (already) but at the same time I can totally agree with my colleagues on the issue. Asked for the advice of a few colleagues and they feel that we should always keep an eye open for greener pastures. They totally understand where I am coming from and they encourage me to stop thinking too much about it and just go ahead and take it a step at a time, fret about it only if I do get the new job.

To be honest, I really don't wish to leave my job. Though the location's bad (it's in Chai Chee Technopark), the whole environment, the colleagues, the bosses, the training, it's all tip top. I can truly say that I'm ENJOYING my work. It's tough though, with that pay, I'll want to continue to teach on the side, and it's really tiring to be rushing back every other day from the office. I'm hoping with a better pay I can stop the moonlighting, which aside from being tiring, makes me uncomfortable on the account that I am not fully committed to my actual job.

Still, though if I get the new job I'll be more comfortable financially, a small, tiny part of me wishes I'll fail in my application. If that happens, I won't have the dilemma anymore, will I?

Letter to Peixuan

2006-09-18T21:22:00.000+08:00

Hi Peixuan!

Since I can't send you a letter thought to just write a letter on my blog to you!

I'm glad you're settling down well over there. I'm not so worried about you, you have great colleagues with you (and I mean this seriously! This is NOT meant as a tease about Keith ;p)

Hey, I hope you're not too offended by my incessant grins last Sat. I don't mean to tease you so much and if you recall, I really didn't say much at all about it! But I guess it was all in my body language.

Seriously though, I truly agree with what your sis said about the issue. She mentioned it's all about the personality. No matter how good you look together and all, eventually it really all boils down to how well you two can get along and all. Wouldn't encourage office romance myself, especially in your case, as you'll be working really closely with each other and it'd be awkward if it doesn't work out, but if really yuan fen ruo zhen de lai le, dang ye dang bu zhu. Anyway, all the best to all 4 of you ya? Hope your Chinese colleague got there alright too.

Take care and I promise I'll try to blog more so that you can get to know what's happening in my life. All the best and will write another 'letter' again next time!

Warmest Regards,
Mingmei

PS. Aiyah, if you'll had known, could have brought one roll of toilet paper with you'll, don't have to waste money and buy there. ;D

Apologies

2006-09-06T14:28:00.000+08:00

A million apologies Xinrong!!!

I'm terribly sorry about today and at this moment I'm trying to gauge whether if you might be home yet so that I may call to apologise personally.

Know it was terrible of me to keep you waiting like that, especially when I have no means to contact you to inform you of how late I might be. When you first called me on the public phone, I'd just reached Chinatown after having left Spotlight in Plaza Singapura. There wasn't anything there to my liking and I thought I would have some time left, since you were expected to end probably around one. Never expected at all that you were already in City Hall by about 12.15pm!

On hindsight I should have just left Chinatown immediately to go search for you in City Hall but it was so important for me to go buy the stuff. I was desperate to find it so I might be able to finish the project on time. I'm terribly sorry that I neglected you in such an abominable manner...

I know you said it was ok but I'm sure you were horribly pissed if not a little angry with me. Nothing I say can justify my mistake but can I at least treat you to a meal or ice cream the next time to make up for it?

It's all my fault, and I was the one to invite you out today somemore. Terribly paiseh... Forgive me? Please?

Book recommendations

2006-09-06T08:39:00.000+08:00

I've been wanting to recommend everyone some books and authors I've come across so far but haven't gone around to do so. Or have I already? Oh well, I can't remember, so if I've already recommended one of these books already, bear with me ya?

The Time Traveler's Wife
Audrey Niffenegger

Came across this book when I was walking around in Kinokuniya with my family one day and popped down on another occasion to buy it. You could say that this book brought on my now ongoing fascination and obsession with books. Took me only two and a half days to finish this book! The most interesting thing is even my brother quite liked this book. Will have to ask him to give me the book back so I can read it again. It's going to be out as a movie around 2008! Imagine my surprise at that. Now this is one movie I'm not going to miss. Not sure if I should add a sypnopsis near or not, but I had best not ruin it for you'll. Suffice it to say that it's a love story that's romantic yet kind of qi mei...

Rating: 4 Belgian Chocolate Lattes

The Moon on a Stick
Valerie-Anne Baglietto

Came across this book by accident in the library and really loved it. There wasn't that much development of the love story between the characters but the characters were very real and overall, it was a great read. Here's the standard sypnopsis on Amazon.com.

Amy Croft thinks she's settled for life. She has Nick Burnley's engagement ring, and their three adorable little boys. If Nick seems slow to set a date for the wedding, Amy's grudgingly willing to wait. But then she finds out he's taken the plunge - with someone else. Suddenly Amy needs three things she thought she already had - a home, financial security and a soul mate. Will she find everything she's always longed for, all over again?

Rating: 3 Belgian Chocolate Lattes

True Love (and Other Lies)
She Myself & I
Whitney Gaskell

These two books were again rare treasures found in the library. Modern literature, very light read, very interesting. Finished the books in no time. Am waiting to set my grubby hands on the her new book that'll probably only reach our shores by next year. Sigh... Will have to wait...

Here's the sypnosis again for one of these books.

A sharp, witty novel about destiny, friendship, and soul-sucking jobs . . .

Travel writer Claire Spencer doesn't believe in Fate, much less any part of that fairy-tale Prince Charming love-at-first-sight crap. Between the boyfriend who first dumped her, then fled the country to get away from her, and her parents' vicious divorce, Claire doesn't exactly have any successful relationship role models.

So when Claire ends up sitting next to a sexy American expatriate on a flight from New York to London and he asks her out, she figures there has to be a catch. After all, full-figured Claire hardly falls into the current stick-thin beauty ideal, and men haven't exactly been beating down her door.

But after years of disappointing dates, nightmare setups, and a bastard of an ex-boyfriend, Claire may finally have met the man of her dreams. It's almost enough to make a girl start believing in destiny. The only catch? Someone else got to him first, and Claire can't believe who it is . . .

Rating: 3 Belgian Chocolate Lattes

That's all folks! Enjoy the read if you come across them!

2006-09-05T22:44:00.000+08:00

Hehe, to all of my dear friends who were worried about me for the past few days, I must sincerely apologise and I'm glad to announce that I'm feeling much better now. Nothing that a good cry and some old fashioned sulking cannot cure. It's a good thing Singaporeans are so apathetic, with their eyes looking straight ahead at nothing, don't think I could have coped with it if someone came up to me to ask me if anything's wrong. Much easier to walk it off slowly and let the crying taper off on it's own... ;p

Was really great being able to meet up with Eunice and all! Was in a weird mood that day and didn't really say much but it was wonderful to be able to hear from everyone. Am impressed by Fullerton actually, their service is indeed not bad. I was half afraid they would insist that I take the chocolate buffet that everyone else was having. I am quite fond of chocolate but I'm afraid I'm not so fond of it to actually be able to enjoy a buffet of it. That aside, the price is also a factor so I'm ever grateful that they allowed me to order something ala carte so that I could enjoy this outing with my friends yet not eat all that much choc.

Cheered up considerably today. Must be a combination effect of seeing my cute students, the coffee I drank and my being able to help an auntie in a supermarket. Saw a DiDi trying to help an old auntie to locate what she wanted to find in NTUC, she wanted to look for 'jia gong hun' but the DiDi, though helpful, kind of led her to find some other corn products instead. Pondered for 10 secs and decided to kay poh a bit and brought the corn flour to her. Really made me very happy. It's nice to be able to help someone else once in awhile, feel more useful that way.

Am going shopping tomorrow again, but not for clothes this time. Wonder if I may find what I want? Wish me luck ya?

Till the next time, ciao...

zi ji na lai fan syndrome

2006-08-31T22:36:00.000+08:00

I've really got the zi ji na lai fan syndrome.

I just realised that really, that sometimes I don't have to be so worried or troubled about certain things but I made it my business to worry about those shit? WTF? Am I a nutcase or what?!

There's this uncle who comes by every evening to help out at the tuition centre I work in. He's the typical last generation disciplinarian, quick to discipline children. As you can imagine this doesn't sit well with the kids at all. Today it escalated to a rather big matter and the parent came in to shout at Uncle. Wow... I thought I've seen my fair share of shouting at the centre but this makes the tops. I don't know how I got involved in this, but I did get involved. Luckily both parties settled down and we parted pretty amicably.

The thing is, after that I still was agitated and fidgetty and was terribly keen to fly home to rest, relax or do some other shit like that. I was like an ant, butting around trying to will the bus to come right this second. I kind of stomped my way back to my place after I got off the bus. What's this? I was the mediator, not the person involved, why get so pek?

Then I reasoned, could this be because I haven't been going for any exercise the past 2 weeks? I've been going to get some form of physical activity at least once a week for the past many months. Now I'm getting all this nervous energy and I've nowhere to get rid of it. It kind of explodes in my face now, I can't believe how not calm I am. I've always been a bu neng ting xia lai de ren, but more so now.

Better go work off all that energy man before it erupts in other ways and make me more of a weirdo then I already am...

Antisocial

2006-08-31T11:24:00.000+08:00

Been terribly irritable and reclusive lately, all of a sudden wish to be away from people. Family, friends, colleagues, the lot of them. I find myself intolerable to be around, am like a spiny porcupine, defensive and offensive at the same time. (Think this could be the real PMS?)

Sometimes would lapse into times like this, times of annoyance and self-induced pek chekness. I wish I wouldn't but damn, that's me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I like to shed the niceness and be nasty.

Apologise to all who have been at the end of my blunt, yet sharp enough to hurt, sword. I wish I wouldn't do this you know but I'm increasingly like my brother, guided by moodswings I can hardly control.

There are times I just want to curl around my book and simply read the time away. I don't want to do anything else or care about anyone else. When I get interrupted in times like this there's hell to pay.

Monosyllabic answers, sarcasm, irritation, it's all there right in the open. How to be nice when one feels like a hermit, or even worse, like shit?

THIS is the antisocial me.

~

Wonder if anyone suffers from days like this, like me?

Flashback from the past

2006-08-26T09:13:00.000+08:00

Guess what? I was going home after teaching tuition when I passed by a basketball tournament going on in Chong Pang Community Centre. Pure curiosity led me to poke my head to watch the ball game. Hahaha... What kind of qiao he! Guess who I saw playing the game. One of the illustrious basketball playing classmates I had in JC.

Imagine my amusement! I wasn't shocked, had heard he was involved with some outside basketball team long ago and if my mind served me right, saw him playing in Chong Pang before. Let's see, what was my impression of the guy? (Those who were in JC with me likely didn't even have to guess to know, right?)

He's a piano playing basketball player, with a notorious reputation when it comes to relationships. He was once my ou tu de dui xiang (actually ou xiang) simply because he could play the piano and I couldn't. Hmm, he flipped right over and laughed his brains out when I stepped on those dastardy floorballs and flattened it one too many time. Oh, and he has a really penchant for butt slapping in the court. Inklings anyone? Shhh... xin zhao bu xuan ya?

It's great to be able to see an old classmate looking well but didn't bother to go greet him. No need lah, he'd think me a bother. Worse, he might have forgotten all about me and asked me who I was. For my part, I just liked watching the last part of the game while listening to an uncle beside me lamenting about how rough those guys are and how horrible they are compared to the more gentlemanly games in NBA.

Brought me to think about the others in class, hmm...

How's everyone? I have a tiny flashback of some infamous scenes I've got. I got caught dancing once by someone when I thought I was alone in class with Peixuan and Jiahui. Wonder how this person is. Very nice person, really appreciated his kindness in PE, subtle as it was.

Then there's the one who accidentally drooled in Mrs Nirmala Ong's class. Haha... Wonder how's he? Very nice person too, kind and gentle and shy, a person who at least had the courtesy to speak to me and respond.

What about Jieqi, or Huiyi, or Tingjun? Tingjun, bless her, she was also a very kind friend. Felt really bad that I didn't keep in contact. Then again , I reasoned she may not have wanted to keep in contact with me anyway. Always, always received her help in PE. No airs at all even though she is considerably more well-off.

Sigh... Suddenlt remembered another part of my school life, PE. I sucked at it, only did ok for swimming, and the only other thing I enjoyed was floorball. Though my hand eye coordination is like shit and I often smacked air, I tried my best and it was exhilarating to be accepted as part of a team. Hated it when I cottoned on that I was being xian qi-ded for being on someone's team. Even if you did feel this way, did you have to let me know? Blar....... Distasteful peeps.

Now, school life's over with. Hmm... Will be nice though to ever get a JC gathering. We're like feathers you know, while birds of a feather flock together but when you pluck them all out from the bird, it floats this way and that way and we never get back together again. Come on, I've got gatherings for my sec 4 class, sec 2 class, even my P6 class and yet nope, JC is nothing to be remembered and nothing to be gathered for. Now I wish I were a more active participant in class. If I had the means, maybe I would go organise some gathering and see if anyone would like to turn up. Would be nice to see how EVERYBODY is rather than just one, or three including my chummy sisters whom I meet up with regularly, and just by accident too...

Job Interview at Chai Chee

2006-08-26T08:53:00.000+08:00

Ok, I was slated to go in for an interview yesterday, actually, it's been prearranged before I got an offer and as I still am quite interested to get the job, off I went. I screwed up, I screwed this up so badly I can only thank God that I have already gotten a job.

The first cardinal rule of going for an interview is punctuality, right? Actually, that's especially so for call centres, the environment that I'll be putting myself in. You have teammates waiting for you to take over the baton so they can go home so no, there is no room for mischief, being late means being irresponsible. And while I prided on myself for never being really late before(ok, in JC there were a few times I was almost late, but nope, not ever was I very late yet for something of such serious nature), this is one time I really jinxed it.

Didn't know what on Earth possessed me! I timed it to get out early and reach at least 15 mins before time, but halfway through the journey, I realised I timed it incorrectly and based my time on a meeting time of 12 instead of 11. What?!! Oh my Lord, this is the worst situation ever! I called Cynthia, and told her the situation. Bless her soul, she was infinitely more calm than I was and told me she'll try to reach there while I rushed my big fat ass over. The place, again Chai Chee Technopark, was big, and luckily there were people around whom I could approach otherwise I would have dissolved in tears in no time. Ok ok, I would probably have cried later but the mortification of being late because of my having gotten the time wrong!! This has never happened before! Perhaps it's cause it takes about exactly an hour to travel there so I needed to give more than an hour's space and somehow spaced out? I can't bloody think of any reason why I screwed this up except that I'd a biological response against this job... This is crap.

The interviewer was a very nice person. You could tell he's a straightforward guy and would be strict with his teachings. There are many rounds to pass in this job and it's not going to be easy at all. As it is I was VERY surprised he would even speak to me, let alone allow me to go through all those tests still. Shit! I still think I failed myself. The phone interview we had, the one that tested the suitability and how quick-witted we are just proved how dim-witted I am. I am sometimes slow in the uptake, especially when I'm confused. I could also tell his female colleague was really much less happy with me for being late. Impatient and more than a little pissed, sarcastic too. Politely indifferent. (She was the one to tell me that the interviewer is very particular about punctuality) Sigh... Talk about losing before the battle. Anyway, I went through it all and Monday I'll know for certain what's the results.

What else can it be? I am certain they would not want me. I was definitely not what the female colleague would have wanted hanging around. Imagine though, I'd still be meeting these people by chance when I take up the other job, because yes, it's also in Chai Chee Technopark. When my Aunt claimed that I had an affinity with the place I still didn't quite believe it, that is, until every road led be right back where I started from.

Dreams

2006-08-25T07:57:00.000+08:00

It's been years since I've had a dream like this, a dream that leaves me sobbing uncontrollably until I wake and continues still after I wake. Oh the irony!!! The conscious mind wants me to awake, yet, if I had the powers in me, I'd much rather never wake again...

2 years, it's been a long time but it's been 2 years since I dreamt of her. It was such a normal dream too, I was sent on a task (there was something unusual about the task which made me reluctant to do it but that's about all the weirdness that there is), and afterwards when I went looking for her and her friends, I couldn't find her at all. It was such a typical scene, the last I saw her, surrounded by so many people, so like who she was. It took me sometime before I tracked her down sitting in a canteen with a bunch of students eating won tun mee. It was so commonplace that it was like real life, except that it wasn't and at some point I realised that the tears that started in my panic of not being able to find her changed into tears that I would never ever see her again...

I clung to the dream, desperate to see her dear face even for awhile longer in the remnants of the devastating dream, but I couldn't stop myself from leaving dreamland anymore than I can stop the Earth from turning.

I would like to think that she has come to support me. Maybe help me celebrate my finding a job? It makes me wonder about the Seventh Month and everything you hear surrounding it, except Xinrong mentioned the real Seventh Month's over already. Involuntarily, tears are still rolling down as they please, even though I'm wide and awake now, even though I'm aware it's all but a fantasy. Perhaps that's what make it hurt more, that it can never be real and I can never find her in the kitchen, waiting to console me for having such silly dreams again......

It's painful, devastating, horrible and every horrid adjective in the world but when I have used up my entire vocabulary I'll still not begin to do justice to how much pain this is.

Still, still, the masochist in me wishes she may visit more so that I can see her and pretend to know she is doing well, wherever she is.................

Day out with the girls!

2006-08-24T21:29:00.000+08:00

On a much happier and less confused note, I had a great day out today with Zhixian and Xinrong!! We went out for lunch and the popped over to Zhixian's place to chat. When Auntie came back she cooked a delicious meal of Hokkien Mee. Thanks Auntie!! Always get a great treat whenever I go to Auntie's place. Luckily I don't go there so often otherwise I'll definitely be fatter then I really am. *chuckles*

Zhixian got a call from an agent to ask her to go do a presentation for her! By now the presentation should be over, hope it all went well! It's so exciting! It's such a demanding job, I'm sure I never would have managed it if I had been the one to get this job. Jiayou Zhixian!!!

Now that we three have our own work to cope with, it's going to be more and more difficult to get together. Sigh... Have to cherish every moment we can get to meet up and catch up with things.

Getting a job

2006-08-24T21:15:00.000+08:00

Fate and providence has a weird way of working out on it's own. Went for 2 interviews yesterday, one of which left me feeling pretty hopeless and I thought, 'it's impossible that they will want to hire me now...'

There are times, when I meet certain types of people, when I'll revert back to the meek and afraid me. The person that comes up to the surface when confidence breaks and uncertainty sets in. When I saw the second set of interviewers yesterday, it was exactly how I felt. Though the lady was quite nice (she smiled at me to indicate that I'm to start first in a group of five), she was curt and, for a lack of better word, scary. Intimidating, every bit the nu qiang ren. I didn't really know what to say. She asked me to introduce myself and I faltered, I fell back to broken English even. I thought all hopes were lost.

You can imagine how surprised I was to learn today that I got the job.

What? Really? I still can't believe this. Sigh... There were definitely people who are more qualified in there, no matter how simple the job. I still don't quite see how I could have gotten the job. It's... disconcerting.

One of my interview mates apparently didn't get a call today, hopefully she'll get a call tomorrow. She's infinitely more confident in the way she carries herself and she's knows French too! Why didn't she get a call today? It made me feel even worse, cause I didn't do half as well but got a call before she did. I should have been the one living through the anxiety of wondering if I'd gotten the job or not...

Hmm... Troubled and confused, whether I get a job or not...

Dinner

2006-08-20T21:47:00.000+08:00

Had dinner with my family again today. Ironically, now that I've moved out we kind of have taken more of an initiative to eat together as a family, at least about once a week.

As usual, we fell into a debate on our favourite topic, my father. My two brothers and I often hold discussion sessions (rather passionate sessions sometimes) on a whole lot of things like politics, Oprah Winfrey, family etc. Occasionally we go back to the topic of our father. Luckily our aunt(Pa's sister) was not around, she had never quite gotten our way of communicationm it irritates her to no end. ;p

Di (bless the kind soul) was commenting that we've been too harsh on him, that he's a poor soul and in some sense, we're doing him an injustice. I agree with him to a certain extent. I explained that I don't hate him, I'm just trying to avoid collision and pain, both his and mine.

I don't hate him, really I don't, I simply hate his ego and self-righteousness and unwillingness to communicate and compromise. I wish we could speak to him and have him listen for real, to hear us, to understand us as we try to do so for him. Despite my efforts in the past though, all I got in return was a deep disappointment. I am really disappointed in him.

I don't blame him for losing his job, nobody chooses that, I wish though that he would look at things in perspective and try to pull himself together. I wish with all my might that he would look into the future and use the foresight that he so prided himself on having. If only he would just listen, for once, to our views, perhaps pause long enough and not start shouting once things sound unpleasant. I wish that for once, we, his family, could be his priority and that he would think of us and worry, like we all do. Do we mean enough to him, or are we really a means to an end like he'd insinuated so many times in the past? If only there were a way to get through to him I pray to God that I would be shown the way.

Things are not totally falling apart but from January onwards I'd been feeling as though I have lost my home and my family. I took the coward's way out but I felt there was no other way. It was killing me inside and I wish I were indifferent enough for it to not hurt. I wish I had my family back... Couldn't we go back to the good old times?

Dream Sequence

2006-08-20T21:35:00.000+08:00

Had the weirdest dream last night. Wonder what made me have that dream? Usually my dreams are pretty relevant to what I thought of or did in the day, this time there wasn't a remote link at all.

I dreamt that I was all alone, holding on to the hand of a child. It was a scary feeling, I felt so alone and helpless that I teared for myself and the poor child. It was one of those dreams where you feel that you could wake up from it anytime, and there was some level of consciousness, yet I clung on to the dream and dreamt on. It was a horrible feeling, the abandonment, the anxiety, the sadness. I felt overwhelmed and I was aware that I was crying in my sleep...

Then I went on to another place with this strange child and was given the task of handing out jelly to a roomful of familiar people, with a few strangers at the top of the room. The room was much like a lecture room and instinctively I knew I didn't have enough jelly for everyone. It was totally weird but I was in the dream and outside the dream all at once. I started psycho-analysing my own actions in the dream and I was pondering how right or wrong my actions were. It was weird. Looking at myself and thinking of myself in a 3rd person perspective, much like a ghost, was weird.

Gee... Wonder what had brought this dream on?

2006-08-15T20:10:00.000+08:00

Never believe me if I ever claim that I don't suffer from PMS. It's true though, that my version of it is unlike how it's like for most others. My kind of PMS is much like my brother's case, little fits of emotional imbalance. The only difference is that I TRY to limit it to only once a month so that I may have a somewhat legitimate reason for being in a hissy fit.

Ok, ok, I'm just kidding alright? I apologise, my brother does not suffer from PMS, he's just perpetually stern. ;p

And the reason I'm writing all this nonsense? Think it's my unstable state of mind. Been rather down recently and given to states of irritability. Maybe it's the confusion and the worries I've been having about my future and what I ought to make of it, or it could be all the different forms of sometimes conflicting advice I'd been given, or it could just be self torture. I realised I can really be very unforgiving to myself. Sigh... If only everything can work out the way one wants it to be in life. I've even been desperate enough to secretly wonder if I should have taken up the advice of my boss and pursue a lifelong career in teaching...

Nevertheless, no regrets here, said I didn't want to join MOE and mean it exactly as I said. Kids nowadays give teachers too much grief, and the admin, god the admin work definitely doesn't help. Can only try and try again and take on the motto: Never Give Up!

Treated Dequan to a birthday buffet dinner last Sat night. A part of me really wished I could have treated him to something better. I knew, that for the sake of my coffers he'd chosen something more affordable but I would really rather pay more to give him a really great birthday dinner you know? Felt a bit helpless that as a Sis I couldn't even give him a wonderful treat. He even thanked me you know, thru sms. My Ma always liked to say that he's much like my father but I'd say he's very different, very different indeed. My brother, the stern and serious one, could be soft-hearted and affectionate too. That, plus the fact that he's much more reasonable than my father.

Now if only Ma can appreciate a good Japanese meal I would have taken them to Kuishinbo. Went there with Kiahui and Peixuan the last time and I really enjoyed the meal. The company was great and the food was delicious, I had such a wonderful impression of the place that I kept mentioning it on Sat. So much so that Dezhi asked me what's my obsession with the place. I don't know, maybe cos it has better lighting and better food? Got chance and got ppl who are interested enough must definitely go there again!

Was a tad sulky and in a bitchy mood on Sat, poor Dequan, it was his birthday and yet I was so snitty. I hope he wasn't badly affected by me. I tried to lock it in, not sure how much of it showed. It was a compounded kind of bad mood, brought on by crowds of people and silly SMRT people who send trains away right when we most need them. They should really take care to improve their quality of service instead of moving in the opposite direction.

Eyes are suddenly very tired though it's not late at all. Should leave this alone now, have said my piece for the day.

Fixation on reading

2006-08-14T21:51:00.000+08:00

Been fixated on books recently.

Think I've finally been bought over by the idea that the National Library is a wonderful place. Have got a rather nasty habit of buying novels left and right but in truth not only is that costly, it takes up a hell lot of space too. Space, is something I can hardly spare at all. The library is the nice solution to that problem. That and the Net I suppose. ;p

Everytime I have to fill in something which describes my interests I fill in reading. Never really believed it myself though, that I really love reading so much cos I never could afford buying all those books I'd browsed in Kinokuniya or Borders or Popular... Then, abruptly, I realised that I have been cultivating a reading habit since I don't know, after JC? You see, I discovered the wonders of online fanfiction after JC and somewhere along the way I began actively reading fanfiction almost everyday. Ok, I admit it's not exactly the same as reading published books but hey, some of these authors are REALLY talented! Such imaginative minds!

Now that I've started to borrow some books from the library I realised that it's more convenient than I thought it was. In the past I always thought it was too troublesome to travel to a library and the nearest one to my place doesn't seem to have too wide a collection. Now I realise there are still some interesting books in Yishun library. Just recently I managed to borrow Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion from the library. I was so surprised cos I thought I'd never find them there. Just finished reading Pride and Prejudice again. Ah... With age comes understanding, I find that I finally can understand the book better compared to when I first read the book when I was 12 and 13.

I also just started to make use of the elibrary of the NLB. Though it conks off sometimes, when it's fine I can read books for free online just like reading fanfiction. It's wonderful man! The NLB is wonderful!

In house Photographer

2006-08-08T23:02:00.000+08:00

5th August 2006

Hehheh, Quan went down to see JJ again last Sat and I tagged along since I was so free. In the end it became a pseudo family outing for me, after all, how many times do we get to sit around and have breakfast together now? JJ was as interesting and jovial as usual. I'm sure he's really upbeat, his business has never been better!

Anyway, Zhi brought along a camera and snapped pics here and there. Kopped a few pictures from his blog. Don't you agree that he's quite talented as well. Now I know two future famous photographers I can sponge on in the future, muahhahhahhas.....

Days with a thousand calls

2006-08-08T22:30:00.000+08:00

Serene, the second interviewer(a really nice lady) from UOB made a call to me today. For a moment, I held the hope that they decided they would want to take me but alas that was not the case. She called to inform me once again that my application was unsuccessful but she would be forwarding my resume to other departments to see if anyone is hiring and would like to meet me. Here ends my wishful thinking and dreaming of a miracle for me...

I knew it would be like this but I was always most hopeful, no matter how impossible what I'm hoping for maybe. Still, I'm really grateful to Serene for making the call (Thank You So Much!!). It was perhaps an aknowledgement of my effort, of my last ditch attempt to right things. Some things just can't be righted no matter how determined one is or how much one may want it. I'm just really grateful now that they at least thought of me. Perhaps they were kind of touched by the sincerity in the letter I wrote them? ;p

On the bright side a few recruitment agencies have contacted me the past two days and I have walked in for a short interview with two agencies. I am impressed, really quite impressed by the efficiency of some agencies. Makes me wonder why some other agencies (or is it the particular recruitment staff in the agency?) are not quite as efficient... Hmm... Anyway, they are all quite secretive about whom their clients are, all I could gather was that they would be shiftwork and most of these call centres are located in the East, near Bedok, Eunos etc. Sigh... Have to travel far and long but haven't got much choice right? I chose this line. Now I hope they(the employers) will at least give me a chance to meet them and let me wow them. I hope to find a job, really, really soon...

Larger than disappointments...

2006-08-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

While I was moaning on about my lack of success in my attempt at job search it never occurred to me that there are really a lot of things that are bigger than finding a job and feeling down due to a rejection and all that inane shit.

Just read on a friend's blog about her friend's situation. Her friend was in a car accident (no he wasn't speeding or drunk, yes it was totally an accident)and till now he's still in the intensive ward. Everyone who cares are waiting for his condition to stabilise and for him to recover from this accident. His mother is worried sick for him and they have the added worries of the medical bills which would definitely come up to a very huge sum.

When I think of him (my prayers are with him), I feel that I'm really very blessed. I can eat, sleep, talk, pretty much do anything I want that's not immoral but now all he can do is to use his will to try to recover. He needs to, for his mother, and for all the friends who support him, but what we want is never necessarily what we get. More than ever, I pray for a miracle, for him.

God bless his soul and may he be brave enough to conquer it all and come out of it the victor. Please let him survive this episode so that his loved ones would not have to suffer the pain of losing him......

The Lake house

2006-08-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

Not for the first time in my life I wished for iTunes to be in Singapore.

There are so many songs I would like to own that are totally obscure or are part of an album that I have no need for at all, wish I could just go on the Net and buy that particular song I want so much...

Went watching a movie with Peixuan tonight. She'd asked if I wanted to watch it earlier but I couldn't quite make it so I thought to call her to reschedule. In the end we just went ahead and watched it. It was The Lakehouse. Had heard about it but hadn't thought to really go watch it myself but, oh well, "Why not?" Had heard some good things about it and it was supposed to be a romantic film, right down my alley, so off I went to meet her for the movie.

I loved it.

It may not have been the world's most romantic movie and it is kind of based on Il Mare, which I'd watched, but it was lovely. Really lovely...

There was a scene which brought me to write this entry. She was waiting at a restaurant waiting for him after arranging a meeting with him to meet her the next day. For her it's the next day, for him it is two years down the road. She waited and he didn't come. The background music was awfully familiar. I had it once, a long time ago before I had my brother reformat the computer. Wished I had bothered to copy every single song down now. I miss the song so much and I have no means to get it short of illegal download. The song's name is 'I Wish You Love'. It's a jazz song that's been sung by so many different artists yet on no site could I find a free sample to listen to... Only managed to get the lyrics. Sigh... Before iTunes arrive on our shores I'll just have to settle for singing the song to myself I guess...

~

I Wish You Love

Goodbye, no use leading with our chins, this is where our story ends,
Never lovers ever friends.

Goodbye, let our hearts call it a day, but before you walk away,
I sincerely want to say.

I wish you bluebirds in the spring, to give your heart a song to sing,
And then a kiss, but more than this, I wish you love.

And in July some lemonade to cool you in some lazy glade,
I wish you health, and more than wealth, I wish you love.

My breaking heart and I agree that you and I could never be,
So with my best, my very best, I set you free.

I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm,
Most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.

I wish you shelter from the storm, a cozy fire to keep you warm,
But most of all, when snowflakes fall, I wish you love.

~

Random thoughts

2006-08-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

WARNING!! All I've written below are random thoughts I've had in my mind these few days so I hope no one gets confused ya? Thought to give a fair warning after I finished typing the entire entry...

~

Promised that I'd fill you'll in on what I'd typed yesterday but accidentally deleted didn't I? Recently I had been somehow drawn to my blog, writing entries left and right... Hmm.... Must be in one of my 3 minute impulses (san fen zhong re du). Maybe it's cos I really like the new layout? Or could it be because of the bo lan qi fu of my emotions? *ponders*

~

After I finished typing that entry about my failure to get the job of my dreams (I only realised that belatedly actually, that that job was the job of my dreams), I asked my brother, out of curiosity, if he'd ever read my blog. I knew he read it before but I'm not sure if he pops in to read it regularly like he would for a friend's blog. Turns out he doesn't. Claims it's a bit too English. Is it really very English? Gee... I never thought I'd see the day that someone would find any aspect of me or anything related to me too English...

I asked him that really because I kind of confessed to him in a roundabout yet direct way on his tagboard that I do go visit his blog. I was worried he'd be offended or upset somehow but it turned out fine. His reply was totally characteristic of him, mild and accepting. He's ok with it somehow but he also felt that it was some kind of a loss of privacy for him.

I actually would much rather he come visit my blog sometimes. As close as I sometimes feel we three are I still think we don't understand each other enough. This I see as an avenue for him to learn about certains parts of my life and for him to probably understand me more. I welcome him and anyone else here cos for me, this is a sharing of my life, my thoughts, my feelings and by putting it here I meant for it to be shared with anyone who cares or am curious enough to come view this page.

Always felt that I have a split personality actually, for I am a private exhibitionist, both introverted and extroverted, both secretive and public about who I really am...

~

Really miss driving and my driving instructors... Driving affords me a sense a relaxation like nothing can, probably cos I always take the opportunity to offload anything and everything to a third party. I love talking to my instructors, especially Mr Wee. He's such a great listener and I'm always the most relaxed when I drive with him. Maybe cos I met him late in the learning process. He didn't have to suffer the times when I'd made hundreds of embarassing and dangerous mistakes, instead he was there when I was almost at the finishing line. My impression of him is that he is the encouraging one, and the one who understands like no other.

I miss driving......

~

Had a hectic day today, went to Timothy's to teach tuition from 8.45am to 12.30pm then lingered on in the centre printing out some worksheets for a few students. By the time I was finished and out of there it was almost 2, which makes it bu san bu si if I go home and left again for Marsiling after an hour plus. Had a date with Mr Haw Chin Wei at 4 cos he cancelled his Sat tuition at the last min (again!! *sarcastic and a little frustrated*) and after that had to rush back to Yishun for Rong Cheng and Koon Ming's session.

Went for a considerably leisurely yu pian mian xian lunch since I'd decided to just go straight to Mars. You know, I never thought I'd see the day that I'd say this but I relished this chance where I could linger and eat my meal slowly, by my own sweet time. Had been maintaining a horrible lifestyle for a few days a week over the past month. Rush down from centre to buy dinner during the students' break, run up, gobble up dinner in 10-15 min, go on with tuition. I wish I could have a decent break sometimes but this is the way it is, this is the way it'd always been for the afternoon session. I know cos I've been doing this off and on for more than a year. Not really complaining though, like the feeling of the rush sometimes, but it makes me cherish my meals, meals I can take in peace...

Since I had this time interval in between I decided I would go visit the Woodlands library. Some of my students were reading these Chinese romance novels by Korean authors (translated of course) and I was itching to find out what's so fascinating about them. Ended up borrowing three books, one English romance novel, one Chinese romance novel and an Economics book filled with essays written by Paul Krugman. It's seems all quite interesting and promising. Think this time I should be able to finish reading all 3 books before the due date comes along...

Was starting on the English novel when I saw this description that one of the characters made of himself. I realised I identified with it even though in the past I wouldn't have said this of myself or to myself (even if I secretly believed in it), 'I believe in myself. I guess you could say I believe in myself totally. There's a ton I need to learn, but I believe that I have the ability to apprentice myself, to grow by leaps and bounds. I want to live wildly and adventurously, which might be interpreted as hubris, but is honestly the way I feel about myself.'

Don't know why but I feel I grew up quite a bit this past year, could be the circumstances forcing me to face the music and the cruel world...

Anyway I just wanted to complain about my darling student Mr Jason Haw here for a bit (again). He was the one to arrange this session with me on Sat and guess what? He totally forgot!! I stood outside his door for more than 20 minutes, thinking that no one was at home and waiting for him to return. (Thank God I had those books to accompany me!) Luckily I finally tried to test my luck at the door even though the padlock was on, it turned out that his mother was at home. By sheer luck(for me) he made it home 30 mins after the appointed time. (Am not going to elaborate on why I called it luck but he could have missed our appt totally today, imagine, poor me, waiting for someone who was never going to turn up... *whimpers*) Was sorely tempted to just forget all about it and just leave but I was already there so, what the heck. Will have to go see his face (adorable but frustrating) again tomorrow since today's lesson was just a make up lesson. That boy, so full of antics and dramatics... *still grumbling on and on*

Sigh... I long for a reprieve sometimes..... Do you know what it's like to be busy but free at the same time? I feel EXACTLY that way. No wonder the astropalmist I went to see said that I was a workaholic, am beginning to realise, to a certain extent, the truth of it...

~

Ok, I know I've already written too much and bored everyone out so am just gonna go now. Have got three books waiting for me, so ciao everyone, till the next time............

**hubri : Overbearing pride or presumption; arrogance**

New Start

2006-08-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

A new day, a new month and I hope there's a new start and new hope for my job hunt.

Am still praying for that miracle. Foolish and silly but I hope to some extent that with my determination and will there is a chance I'd get a job that would suit me.

Asked my brother if he believed that if we pray hard enough our prayers for a miracle would come true. He believed so. I'm taking his word for it and praying day and night. Of course I have taken some action to actually realise my short term dream of finding a permanent job but I think sometimes it takes more than just effort, luck and faith are important components too.

I pray earnestly for a miracle, whatever form it comes in...

Initially typed a lot of stuff for this post but I accidentally pressed the ESC button and this is my second attempt at this post.

Maybe I shall write all the other stuff I wrote but didn't want to retype again another time.

Pray, pray and pray...

Another pic by the great photographer Ms Wan

2006-07-31T23:18:00.000+08:00

Hehe, have been procrastinating this for a real long time ya? Thought to post the fav pics I had of one of the previous outings with Jialing and Jiahui. The pictures are, as usual, courtesy of our very own artist and world class photographer, Miss Wan Jialing! ;) Really been meeting Jialing a lot more this year, I hope we can continue to meet up often!

Hey, wait a minute, this was taken on the day I passed my driving test!!! I didn't even remember that we met on that day!

Think I was so grateful that the tester was amazed and kind of shocked by the gratitude I was showing.

Definitely one of those wonderful and relaxing days that I can look back and smile at. Cheers me up quite a bit thinking of the day I finally gained some success, hahhahaha...

p/s Had to resize the pics a bit, hope the faces don't look too squashed up..........

Deepest Regret...

2006-07-29T09:35:00.000+08:00

The worst that I'd feared had come true. I didn't get the job in UOB after all. I wish I had but I hadn't. Why is that? WHY?

Some of my friends who have known me long enough will know that sometimes, I'm really a very kapoh person, I want to know everything, the head and tail of it all... Now, what I wish to know is where did I fail?

Was it in the first interview, where I had differing opinions about what motivates me? Was it in the second interview where I mentioned that I wasn't so confident about my image and would have to do something about it if I were to work frontline? Maybe it's cos I kept crossing my legs at the bottom? Or probably cos I kept saying 'actually' in the beginning cos I was nervous? Or maybe I had lost from the beginning when I faltered during the phone interview? Was it the minimum pay I asked for? Or is it the worst of it all, my results. Could it be that?

Of all the things that I could have improved or controlled, the school that I've come from and the results I have achieved there is something I can never change and can never improve. It's the one thing I'd have to face and not be able to brave it through.

I wish they had given me a chance.

I never knew how much I wanted the job until I lost it. The whole of last night I tossed and turned in sleep, dreaming about going up to HR and having my interviewer give me a second chance. I woke up at 6 and started to pray for a miracle. I wished that maybe someone decided to reject the job and I may be the second in line to take it up. I'm so very confident that I could do well in this job that it kills me that they have not given me the chance to try. While I can say that it is their loss, I feel that it is my loss too.

I kept thinking, could I have, at any point, fixed this? Was there anything that I'd done that was not acceptable. Cos if that were the case I'd be able to accept this better. Except I can't think of anything that I did that was detrimental enough. Perhaps I just wasn't confident enough, or maybe I just wasn't what they wanted. They'd rather take in new people who have never been in the line before than to take me in. It goes to show how unsuitable they think of me...

I think I again realised something new about me. I realised how full of pride I am, and I realised that no matter what I portray of myself I am actually confident of myself. So confident perhaps, that somewhere deep inside me I held great hopes of getting this job, very great hopes. Now that I've received THE LETTER though, all that is left is a deep regret and the greatest disappointment......

I wonder if this failure could be compared to the time when I failed my driving test for the first time? Then I had been very upset, both for myself and for my instructors. I felt that I'd failed them when they have been so conscientiously teaching me to become the best driver I can be. Now I feel that I have failed myself. Whatever it is that I did that brought about this failure, I was the cause of it. I can attribute my failure to no one but myself. I realised that I truly dislike failure. I don't hate it cos it happens all the time in life but I genuinely DISLIKE it. It makes me cry......

For the past week I had been carrying this hope, probably visible to friends and family, while I lied to myself that I wasn't hopeful at all so that I can buoy myself should I really not be selected. In the end, the buoy didn't work, cos beneath it all I was the eternally hopeful candidate, believing that I'd done well enough for them to consider me worthy...

I'm still hopeful to a certain extent, I pray for a miracle, I want to be the best damn CSO that they have ever had but that will never come true if they don't hire me...

And I was already thinking of myself as a member of UOB already too......

How foolish...

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

2006-07-10T13:44:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHHHH! UOB Bank really called me!
I can't believe it, at the back of my mind I simply thought I'd just try it and see how it is and here I am, going for the interview. This is so... frightening and exciting! I think I frightened myself into getting my period.....

Ignore the last statement above ya? The jist of it is that I am really going for an interview, now, for a job I applied for. Gee... And I really quite wanted to get this job too. I can't believe it!!!

ARGHHHH!!!!!! What if I mess up?!

Think I already did, to a certain extent. When she called and asked for me to do a roleplay for a certain scenario, I screwed up!!! I went quiet for about a minute and didn't know what to do, I never thought she'd give me a chance after! I'm going for an interview this Thurs!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Ok, enough with the screaming.... I must breathe, deep and long, in and out..... In and out....

Now after this phone interview I realised I really know very little about UOB Bank, I addressed the bank as HUA QIAO YIN HANG when they were DA HUA YIN HANG!! OMG! I can't believe it! I wasn't even sure that they had an outlet in OUB. Dear God, I better do my research before I go into that interview or I'd be so embarassed... Wish me luck, I REALLY need all the luck I can get...

Ice cream...

2006-07-07T12:41:00.000+08:00

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.

You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your Lucky Underwear Is Red

You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself.
You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed.

When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world.
So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you!

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are calm and rational.
You are also giving and kind - a great friend.
You are easy going and trusting.
However, you are too sensible to fall for mind games.

What Does Your Sleeping Position Say About You?

Your Dosha is Kapha

Calm and grounded, you are not prone to mood swings or anger.
However, once you do get angry, it takes a lot to cool you down.
You tend to think a little slower than most people, but your logic is astounding.
Overall, you very loyal and trustworthy. You're not scared of being who you really are.

With friends: You enjoy their company, but often listen more than talk

In love: You crave connection and affection. It's hard for you to be single.

To achieve more balance: Exercise vigorously (especially in the sun) and let go of attachments.

What's Your Dosha?

~
Ok, I was thinking either this...

Your Personality Profile

You are sexy, powerful, and bold.
You're full of passion and energy...
Sometimes this passion has a dark side.

You feel most alive when you're seducing someone.
You never fail to get someone's attention.
Quick minded, you're also quick to lose your temper!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

or this...

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Hmm... interesting, guess which was my first choice and whether I thought it was accurate?

Think I'm spending too much time doing these tests, but it's really quite interesting, no?

Oh MY!

2006-07-07T12:25:00.000+08:00

For the sheer heck of it I went on to try some other tests. Oh MY, so I'm really Miss Piggy! Some of my relatives used to call me that, hahhahaa....

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it.
You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less.
You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way.
Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

The Muppet Personality Test

Another weird proof

2006-07-07T12:00:00.000+08:00

Another weird proof that I'm really similar to my Bro. Went to take a peek at his blog and saw this test so out of curiosity I went to do it too. Lo and behold, I got the same results! Pure coincidence?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

好久不见...

2006-06-27T08:50:00.000+08:00

哇！好久没有上网来blog了！上星期六我跟佩璇见面时，我向她抱怨说我没有中文软件所以有时候想用中文把想法写出来都好难噢。

后来经过她的提点之后才发现其实我可以用我的XP写中文字。叹！我又犯了我的傻病了。现在可好了，什么时候想用中文就用中文。太好了！

没时间多写了，要去吃饭然后去教补习，回来再继续写吧！再见啦！

An unlucky day

2006-05-12T07:45:00.000+08:00

It's one of those typical slightly unlucky days that makes me lament in a low whiny tone "Why Me?" I've had my fair share of those days, and this is probably one of them, so before I go into the next day with my fresh spritely attitude am just going to complain a bit about today.

~

Was going to teach Jason as per normal today, and was actually pretty pleased with myself as I got to the mrt station quite early so I'd likely be able to walk leisurely to Jason's place when I reached Marsiling.

Unfortunately, there was an mrt train fault so I ended up waiting about ten minutes for nothing. When I finally got the confirmation from the station master that the train was unlikely to come as yet I was forced to leave the station and find another way to get to Marsiling.

I was really in a tizzy cos from expecting to be early I was doomed to be really late. No choice, I flagged a taxi, hopped on and called Jason to inform him that I'd be a bit late and apologise.

And guess what is the thing that made this a horrible day?

When I called him he actually told me that he forgot about today's session and wanted it postponed. There I was all anxious and worried that I'd be late and I was prepared to spend the money to go there in a cab and he simply just brushed me off. Am not sure why I never ever shouted at him for his antics, he's made such last minute cancellation requests for more than just once. A few times I've already made my way there but he cancelled last minute cos he forgot. I don't know why I wouldn't just give up. I put in my all and all he does is play on his computer. Why do I even bother?!

Sigh... I guess I can't really call this a bad day. It's probably so bad just cos I'm terribly frustrated with Jason and his attitude towards his schoolwork. I wish he'd take his work more seriously and not just badger me to give him my gaming account or the mystic cane for free.

I'm getting seriously worried about him and his studies. He is spending far too much time playing and wheedling away all his time.

I wish, really wish he would one day grow up and be more sensible. Guess this is really my retribution. This must be how my teachers felt; frustrated and unhappy and worried.

Sigh again... There's really nothing much I can do for him. I'm graduating this June and soon enough I may not be able to teach him any longer. I wish for the best for him but everything in the end is all up to him...

Our deepest condolences and regrets...

2006-05-08T15:05:00.000+08:00

Tian you bu ce zhi feng yun, ren you dan xi huo fu...

That was what buzzed around my head for the whole day yesterday after I received the news from Peixuan about Uncle.

It was totally unexpected. Jiahui, Peixuan and I had just met up sometime around last month due to such circumstances as well. Wang Bin lao shi had passed away then. Never had I expected that this time, we are to meet in such circumstances again...

Life is so... fragile. According to Peixuan, it was only a matter of 3 weeks. Uncle passed away early on Saturday morning due to advanced cancer. He must have been suffering for quite a long time before he finally went to get a checkup done. May his soul rest in peace. May he look upon his family and bless them from up high in heaven...

My deepest condolences and regrets to Peixuan. There was really nothing that I could have helped you with but if you ever need a shoulder to rest on, you can count on me... Take care dear...

Bared Ass Monkey

2006-05-06T03:30:00.000+08:00

*Warning! You may not understand what I'm saying here but that may be for the best ya? ;p*

A promise is a promise, no matter how long ago we made it, so when called upon to fulfill a promise I made sometime around the year that I turned 21 I just went ahead and did it. The experience was interesting, to say the least. I was embarrassed yet not utterly so, worried yet relaxed. The only thing that could have signified how anxious I was was probably my sweaty palms. I was clutching the towel tightly in my hands the whole time.

It's all my own fault really. They had some sort of promotion for newcomers so when asked if I wanted it all to go I just told her to go ahead. I'm not sure I'm regretting that yet but ya, it's really quite weird.

It's now 2 days after the fact that I was plucked like a chicken and I still am unused to the new me (not really new me la hor, I'm just exaggerating). I somehow feel a bit like a bare-assed monkey (or should I say chicken? Pig?).

It's weird how such a small change can make me feel quite different. In some sense, it made me feel a little bit more... vulnerable... and fragile. Hmm... Like I lost a part of me that had always been there. Strange how one gets attached to something as inconsequential as hair...

Not sure if I'd ever go back again but if I do go back, I'd probably not go for everything. It's kind of reassuring to have something left...

Picture by Jialing

2006-04-25T20:29:00.000+08:00

Hei hei, I 'kop-ded' this picture from Jialing. Isn't it nice? Haha, bu yao lian, I know...

THe picture brings forth breezy feelings of freedom and happiness, euphoria, light-heartedness, and it reminds me of how much I enjoy meeting my dear friends for a simple lunch or dinner...

After my exams I'm definitely going to ask Jialing out for makan again, till then, I'll just settle for reminscing when I look at the picture.....

The photo was taken a day before my birthday, at Mos Burger. I spent a wonderful day with Jialing. Thanks for spending the day with me dear!

Wedding Bells Are Ringing!

2006-04-23T05:30:00.000+08:00

Wedding Bells are aringing for more than one of my friends recently.

Was just minding my own business going to my UOL HRM Lecture when I met Shiqing, a friend that I made in my first two years in SIM. The first thing that she said to me was, "I'm getting married."

OH MY GOD!!!

That was the exact response I had, both in my head and my heart and I said as much. I was so happy for her! I can't believe she's getting married already, she's still so young! I knew she has a very stable 3 year relationship with her boyfriend but it still came as a shock as she's only graduating this June and her boyfriend had only started work for maybe about a year. I was really flabbergasted but in a good way. I'm really happy for her.

Then, guess what I got to hear from Zhixian yesterday? M's engaged too! I was beyond shocked and immediately climbed out of bed to go online to talk to them. Too bad Xinrong was already offline already. If I didn't expect Shiqing's announcement, I would never in a million years have guessed that T has popped the question already.

Wow! It really blew me away! Is it marriage season now? What's with everyone getting ready to be married left and right? Leaves me to think, "What the hell am I doing without even a boyfriend when the rest of the world's already off making babies and building families?"

Oh well! Like what I'd said to all my friends, you can't rush these things and if it's not meant to be then no matter what I do I'd never get a boyfriend even if I were desperate. Which I'm not (at least not yet). I'm at quite a comfortable place in life and honestly, while it'll be nice to be able to tan lian ai like the rest I can live without it at the moment. Wonder if I'll ever get to the point when I really REALLY want to have a boyfriend yet can't find one? Would I think of hiring a male escort? Hmm... *chuckles and grins cheekily*

No matter what I wish these two girls a long and blissful marriage and may they lead fruitful and wonderful lives with their partners!

Pre Easter Celebration

2006-04-22T13:20:00.000+08:00

On Easter's Eve I went to Jialing's church to attend a small session which featured Jialing in a duet with one of her church friends. It was an interesting session to say the least. Some things with regards to myself ws pretty predictable: I was a little uneasy due to the fact that I was in a room full of enthusiastic strangers but I was most grateful to Jialing's friends due to their great efforts in trying to make me feel comfortable and at home.

Actually when Jialing messaged me to invite me to her singing performance I already knew that it must have been a church performance, and she did confirm that later. While I had a bit of reservations as I am a non-believer, I still wanted to go to lend her my support in her performance. I truly enjoyed their performance and was happy to be able to join them, though I can't say I totally enjoyed the games session... hahaahha.... ;p

After the whole thing ended I told her that I felt alone though I was in a big group. That was true to a certain extent but I guess it really wasn't that... It was likely that I felt a bit.... out of place I guess. In the midst of a big group of God loving people I felt I was part of their group yet not entirely in the group. I also realised that I am likely more cynical than I thought I was. While I was trying to join in in the singing and all I still felt... awkward, 'obiang'. It was the same case when I attended the Christmas Mass with my brother last year. While the rest of the world was touched and grateful I remained as unmoved as a boulder. While everyone was busy praising the Lord I was wondering how much of all this do I really find believable and can honest to God say I accept without question?

Sometimes I wish I had more faith in terms of religion, but it seems that in this respect I am much like a wall or a block of ice, it'd probably take a long time for me to melt myself. I question too much, I cannot bring myself to truly believe and
I refuse to become those hypocritical people who profess that they are true believers when they question it all the time themselves. My brother questioned my ability to be happy when I had no faith. I question that too but what is in a religion, what does it mean to believe? Am I really supposed to believe Jesus existed or even Guan Yin for that matter? To me, it is much like a foreign concept and is as abstract as the question of whether there is life on Mars.

I guess all of this lies with fate. Providence may one day bring me to the House of God and show me his glory and truly make me believe but before then I'd probably just remain a free thinker.

~

A friend once told me recently that I may be too naive sometimes in my ideas and thoughts, perhaps that is true, but I also think that is because I have faith, probably not in a religion, but in my friends and family...

The details

2006-04-17T10:45:00.000+08:00

Mentioned that I was going to give all the details here the next day but been a bit occupied otherwisew so haven't had the chance to have it all typed out. ;p

~

How did I manage to fail again? Hmm... It could have been the weather, my anxiousness or you could even say that it's pure providence. After all, how many times have I actually curbed during the entire course of my driving lessons, probably only a maximum of 3 times. It's just definitely frustrating for this to happen when I could have passed if I hadn't gone up that curb.

I better be more careful the next time I drive round that bend in the circuit. Sigh... Is it fate that I have to spend more money than others to learn how to drive. Better yet, is it fate that I have to spend more than others to learn everything and anything?

My Mum said that about me yesterday. She said I was always the one in the family to spend the most money, no matter what I learn. Piano, JC, SIM, everything I got involved in seem to be so costly. People take one year, I take 2 years.....

She felt I probably ought to give up. She regrets giving me the chance at learning how to drive. She's beginning to agree with my father that I shouldn't have been given the chance to learn. Why? Why ought I not be given the same chance? Is it because I'm a girl, or is he simply convinced that I'd never be able to learn how to drive? Or could it be because he feels that I'm less worthy and the money should have never been spent on me?

No matter, I care much less for my father's opinions than my mother's. For my mother to agree with him and put me down that way hurt me more than she could have imagined. That was probably why I kind of lashed out back at her. I didn't shout, nor did I cry or scream but I knew what I had said was meant to hurt her. I'm not sure whether if I did manage to hurt her with my words for they were mean but not overly so and she could have ignored them if she chose to but I still felt slightly guilty the moment I finished saying what I said. I never knew how I sometimes can be so vindictive... I probably wanted to protect myself too much...

~

Back to the test. It was over before it actually began.

I had just been through the S course, when the tester asked me to turn left, then turn left, I probably was being a bit too anxious to make the turn and didn't notice the small island there. Then, it was all over when I went up the curb. I asked the tester if we'll just stop there and then but he just said to continue. It's weird but after I had learnt that I'd failed I was exceptionally relaxed and proceeded to drive as normal. I didn't get any marks taken off my circuit drive! I also spent the entire drive chatting with the tester. Mr Tan, like the previous Mr Tan, is really a very nice person. It was really an enjoyable ride despite the fact that I'd failed. It made me less sad that I'd dissapointed my instructors again.

The first time I took the test and failed I cried. Very long and hard. It was so embarrassing as I was at a rehearsal for my play at the beginning of the year and I just broke down and couldn't stop tearing. I think I kind of scared everyone for awhile. (though soon they became quite used to my breakdowns, I was at a period in my life when I felt horribly melancholic. Not sure why, could have been something the play brought out in me...)

I took it pretty hard, I had such wonderful instructors and I had such high hopes of passing the test. My brother passed the first time so there was added pressure for me to perform. It was probably also because it happened at such a horrible time. I knew my father had lost his job and was coming back. Along with the worry of the lack of income I worried for how we were going to adapt to living with him again. As it turned out I really couldn't live with him around all the time. I was breaking down in front of my own eyes so I ran away, to my Aunt's place.

This time I waited for my instructors' shift to end to tell them the bad news. Was really guilty that the last time I simply left soon after I heard the bad news. I was just that upset. I was so ready to cry the 1st time and I didn't want my instructors to see me that way. Too bad my co-actors had to see me like that. It was so embarrassing.....

Think Mr Wee was a tiny bit frustrated for me to hear that I failed again. I got 14 marks. For those who have gone through the driving test themselves they would know that all it takes is about 18 marks and below and you'd pass. Theoretically, my driving skills passed but due to my carelessness, and probably my lack of skills too, I failed again. I wish I hadn't, I really do, but there's no use for me to stay miserable forever. I didn't cry this time but I still did beat myself up about it, I'd tried sleeping it away but for the 1st hour that night I'd spent the whole time rolling about and lamenting about how I hadn't worked hard enough to be deemed worthy of a license. I may have looked nonchalent but anyone who knew me enough would know that I'm anything but that...

Luckily for me I had a bit of money saved in my account, enough to rebook another test in June. I hope, truly hope, the next time, I can pass. I haven't got so much money to burn and I don't wish to prove my mother right in such a way again and again...

Am only going back for revision lessons in June, after my final paper on the 12th of June, so must take note to write down all the knowledge, old and new, that I have gathered in the past few lessons. One good thing about having failed the last time, I finally feel that I am really becoming a more competent driver. I notice things I failed to notice in the past, I know when to and when not to go. I'm less unsure and more confident. I hope that by the time my next driving test comes about I'd be confident enough to NOT make those silly blunders again.

3 times'a charm so JIAYOU Mingmei! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
~

Initially wanted to write about my experience in Jialing's church on Easter's eve but think I really have written way too much already so I shall leave that for another day shan't I?

Another day then, tata.....

Failed again

2006-04-14T12:45:00.000+08:00

The results are out, I failed in my second attempt at driving test. Sigh... I can't believe I made that kind of mistake! I shang1 curb, that's an immediate failure, sobs...

Oh well, no point crying after spilt milk, will just have to try harder for the next attempt!

Am not really in the mood to go into details today, will probably talk about what actually happened tomorrow....

Ciao........

Anxiety and Worry

2006-04-13T12:30:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow, the 13th of April 2006 is going to be my second attempt to get a driving license. You cannot begin to imagine how nervous, anxious and worried I am. Everytime I think about it, my heart starts to pound and my stomach starts feeling queasy.

You probably would have thought that since I have got experience under my belt I should be less anxious but it seems that I am more nervous than the last time. There are a million things that could go wrong and my driving standards fluctuate so much that there is no telling whether everything will go right or be shot to hell or not...

One thing though happened as I was worrying myself to death while I walked home tonight after tuition. Was walking along the long lonely road when at a road junction I saw Xinrong's father! I recognised him so I waved at his taxi but initially he didn't really recognise me so I thought I was mistakened so I stopped looking in his direction. It took a little while but Uncle eventually recognised me and called out to me. Unfortunately he was driving and about to turn right so he couldn't really speak to me. He only managed to tell me that Xinrong would be back tomorrow evening. It was really comical really, I was half worried yet half amused, we were trying to shout across to each other while he was preparing to turn right. It was really very qiao3 that I would have met him in this manner.

Was laughing at myself after actually. Uncle was trying to ask me where I was going initially but all I could get out was, "wo xian zai yao hui qu" when he likely was asking where exactly I was heading to, hahahaha.... All cos I'm so blur and flustered cos there wasn't really much time before he had to make the turn.

All the same, this accidental meeting really served to help me relax quite a bit. All of a sudden I forgot part of my anxiety, hopefully I can maintain relaxed and not be so uptight when driving tomorrow.

There's really no big trick to driving, the key is to keep calm and focus on all the points that I need to notice. If I place my focus on my nervousness I would be sure to lose focus on the things I need to take note of on the road and in that case not only will I not pass I might stand to endanger the life of my passenger.

I better sleep earlier tonight and pray for mediocre yet passable performance tomorrow.....

Happy Lunar New Year

2006-01-29T15:00:00.000+08:00

Happy Lunar New Year Everyone!

Oh wow! Realised I haven't blogged for ages and so much has gone on in my life that I don't know what to update really. Hmm... Perhaps I could get to all those slowly in my future posts...

I can't believe it's New Year again. This year it feels entirely... cheerless. The mood seems to be so unlike my past New Years... Things are the same yet it's not the same, I do the same things, carry on the same traditions, but it just seems... lacking. I guess this is what people call growing up. I guess I need to do that, I can't possibly always remain in my needy inner child stage......

I was off on a tangent again wasn't I? I apologise. I'm actually a tiny bit sleepy yet I can't sleep. Recently it's been that way with me, full of paradoxes in my life. I just hoping to get the bai4 nian2 over with asap so I can't go to my aunt's place to rest and maybe play soem mahjong in the evening. I am going there on a mission! I am going there to WIN! Hopefully luck would be on my side...

Hmm... This post seems to be full of weird stuff but then again people who know me well enough know that I sometimes become crazy like that... Will return when I'm more mentally stable! Ciao!

1st Year Death Anniversary

2005-10-27T11:08:00.000+08:00

Time flies...

~

In the blink of an eye, a year had passed. Before last year, I'd never dreamt what life without my Grandma's like. Who would have known that on this day, I'd survived one whole year without my beloved Grandma. It's amazing, the ability of people to pick up and move on.

When I was little, I used to to think that I'd never be able to live without my Grandma. I used to wake up in the wee hours of the morning, crying for my Grandma cos of another bad dream of her passing on and leaving me. She'd promised that when the time comes she'd fly on a crane and bring me with her. Too bad she cannot fulfill this promise.....

Po, I miss you... I'm sorry I never said I love you. To your death I still never gained the courage... I hope you'll be able to feel it though.

Far as you are, I bear hope that one day, we 'll definitely be reunited somewhere and we'll never part again...

Worry

2005-10-24T12:28:00.000+08:00

I worry, for a million different things I worry...

~

My Dad called the week before last to announce that for the second time in his life, he has been retrenched. When my Mom told us after the phone call, I almost thought she was merely joking. Apparently not...

The funny thing is, it does not shock anyone of us at all. It felt like an inevitability that came too early or something. For a whole week after I lived in panic and anxiety, leapt headlong into a saving programme, praying that my meagre pay from tuition can at least count for something, maybe pay off the UOL pounds payment I have to make early next year. Luckily I can say that I have calmed down considerably now...

It's really the worst timing ever. I graduate in approximately seven months or so and even then there is no guarantee that I'd be able to find work right away. My brother is still in the army, slated to go off to NUS soon enough. Then there's the youngest one to consider too. Will we be able to pull through?

I could be worrying too much cos my conscientious mother has always made it a habit to save. I thank whoever's up there for all the rejections I've made mentally to my urges to buy things and to my Dad's urge to buy me something. Every penny saved now really counts for something.

I worry for my Dad. He is a capable man but he is a difficult man to work with or even put up with. He doesn't see it but he has too much of an ego and overestimates the way people see him. His friends may be able to tolerate and see eye to eye with him but not everyone is a friend. Now that he is 52, it is infinitely more difficult for him to find anything. However, his enormous pride will likely impede him from taking on things he perceives to be demeaning, much like the case of my aunt. It is likely that he has in fact lined himself in for coerced early retirement...

I worry for the youngest too. He'd always seemed like the quiet sheep, the yes man, but how much do we know him? How much has he kept bottled inside? Has this affected him in any way? Or is he oblivious to it all in some way? I'm afraid for this to affect my family but at the same time, things HAVE changed and we really have to react accordingly. My brother is too nice, always rising to the occasion and saying ok it seems. I'm not sure if he's like that with friends but it seems he might be. A boy his age is sure to meet with some angst in his life. I wish to be there for him but sometimes you just have to let him be...

My life's going to change again once my Dad returns. I name it Armageddon.

I am tired of it, I don't wish to fall into the age old routine of avoidance and and silence as strategy. I wish I could speak to my Dad the way others could. I envy Xinrong and Zhixian. My father and I, we are like the two poles of Earth, better apart than together. Perhaps one may say that this has not happened yet, that I can't just think about the negative parts and all, but for me, it seems as inevitable and the daily sunrise that we are bound to quarrel sometime in the near future. Bottom line is, we have different wavelines and different views about almost everything that counts, religion, life, food, habits, the list goes on... I dread the downward spiral, I wish there's some way I can get out of it. I don't recall if I was ever really elated that my Dad was going away but I can seriously say that I'm tormented that he'd be back for good...

Even before he's back he's started to quest to wage a war. He may not see it that way but it has built resentment in me already. He asked for our entire family to go vegetarian, for his good. I got angry. I told my Mum that he's trying to blame his retrenchment on us due to supposed bad karma that we bring him due to our meat eating ways. Ma argued that he never said that but that was all implied in his request.

Never once in his many attempts to make us join him in vegetarianism has he said the right words that could possibly motivate me to want to really try it. His emphasis is always on the improvement of the spiritual well-being of the person if we become vegetarians. Never has he placed the possible health benefits of vegetarianism as his main point in his arguments. If I were to ever become a vegetarian, it would NEVER be because of the supposed spiritual elements but due to health reasons. Why? Simply because I don't believe in it, I don't believe in it at all. Food has no link to spirituality, let alone have such great influence that we can spread bad, or in his words, good karma in his direction.

Everyone should reflect and decide what is wrong with themselves. If one can only blame external elements, therein lies the fatal problem. The problem is never with oneself but someone or something else.....

Long Time No See!

2005-10-04T13:43:00.000+08:00

HI! Wow! Can you imagine how long it has been since I last updated on this blog? It's really been forever!

Been busy with tuition and all for the past two months or so, ironically it was actually my school holiday. Now's school started, am just as busy as ever, peak season for tuition cos the P6s are having their PSLE from Wed onwards. Good luck P6s!

Am extremely glad that I got through the last sch year unscathed, for awhile had really been a little worried that I might not be able to pass Managerial Econs but thank God I've managed to pass it and don't have to take it again. My worry for the year now is Financial Reporting, I've been having a hard time trying to concentrate during the lectures for this module. The rest, mercifully, are quite interesting and fun. =)

Hmm.... Got loads and loads of stuff to update on, will come back another day to tell more!

Before I go, here's a portrait my Mum dug out while throwing out some of my stuff. It's a souvenir of sorts from my trip to Hong Kong last year. Wouldn't you agree that the artist did quite a good job of drawing me? ;)

Fly Away

2005-08-08T15:34:00.000+08:00

My brother Dezhi has been talking about buying the first album by Corrine May for sometime. Have finally gotten around to buying it.

Fly Away is the first song in the album and is the song which evokes the greatest feelings within me. From the first time I have heard it and listened closely to the lyrics of the song, I have been greatly touched by it, so much so that I teared by the time I finished hearing the song.

Would have uploaded the song hear if I only knew how, hope if there's a chance, you'll can go listen to it and see if you're just as touched as I am...

F L Y A W A Y

Written by Corrinne May Ying Foo

When will you be home?" she asks

as we watch the planes take off

We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead

She's watched me as I crawled and stumbled

As a child, she was my world

And now to let me go, I know she bleeds

and yet she says to me

You can fly so high

Keep your gaze upon the sky

I'll be praying every step along the way

Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you too much to make you stay

Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and

Silver-painted hair

Daddy called one evening saying

"We need you. Please come back"

When I saw her laying in her bed

Fragile as a child

Pale just like an angel taking flight

I held her as I cried

You can fly so high

Keep your gaze upon the sky

I'll be praying every step along the way

Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart

I love you too much to make you stay

Baby fly away

Fetishisms...

2005-08-06T14:41:00.000+08:00

This post would have turned up a lot earlier if not for the fact that my computer hanged while I was typing this this afternoon...

Am feeling a bit guilty actually, been ignoring this blog for so long!

Was just saying earlier that I have not been blogging for so long that I have a lot of things stored up in my mind and didn't really know what I would like to start with first.

Hmm... Maybe I should just start with this. ;p

~

Recently I've been having a fetish for tankinis, think will eventually get one before the end of this month. Think it started out when I went shopping for swimwear with Zhixian they all. Initially I just thought to go see see look look, kapoh for awhile you know but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to get one for myself. It works for me as it covers virtually everything without revealing my ugly tummy. ;)

Been surfing on the Net to find out where I can get tankinis in Singapore and found this very interesting local ecommerce site, http://3dots.com.sg. Was really tickled to find a series of National Day Bikinis (NDB) but am really impressed that we actually have local designers designing and manufacturing unique bikinis and tankinis for sale via the Web.

~ Here are 2 examples of the NDBs. Am risking placing the pic here, hope I won't get into any trouble! Free advertising for them on my blog here. ;0p ~

Checked it out and found it to be a great site. Other than the usual modes of payment (credit or cheque), they actually have payment via fund transfer! I must say that's an ingenious idea. There are always those people out there who either have no credit card or don't trust online transactions yet don't own any cheque book. Fund transfer is a great alternative for such people. We can pick different sizes for the top and bottom, according to our size too. That's really pretty flexible of them.

They've got a retail shop called Maameemoo in Cineleisure. Will probably go down and at least try out the sizes, don't want any trouble of ordering the wrong size should I really decide to buy from them.

Actually have my eye on one rather sweet one but it may not suit me after all... Hmm... Will see if there might be any other new designs that I like better coming out...

Now if only the price were slightly less steep. Must seriously consider whether to make this mini investment...

Oh well! Guess that's what one has to pay to be unique!

Note to self: Must go downtown one of these days to look around and see I can find something I want...

Sushi Weekend

2005-07-20T05:11:00.000+08:00

Finally came to the part where I talk about the weekend before last!

My God! I am SUCH a PROCRASTINATOR... I can't believe it's been more than a week and I'm only writing about it now...

~

The weekend before last was my official sushi weekend. Went with Xinrong and Zhixian to town again on that Saturday. Remember that day when I went out with them and Rurus to sing karaoke. Zhixian had spotted this tankini that she quite liked but couldn't really decide whether to buy or not. Had to rush off for tuition that day but not before we arranged to pop down again to decide whether to buy it or not.

Asked Rurus along but she couldn't make it. In the end the three of us winded up eating sushi buffet at Suki Sushi. Was really not bad, had so much fun and laughter I think I kind of scared the Japanese uncle sitting at the table behind us. *chuckles*

Oh! Oh! Before I forget, I passed the evaluation for my Final Theory for driving!! I got 100 marks! Whoppee! I can't even recall when was the last time I had a grade anywhere near there. The thrill of doing well... Ah..... Now I'll just have to pass my Basic Theory Test tomorrow and I can book for my Final Theory and be rid of the studying part of it all. ;p

We walked around the whole day after makan and Zhixian ended up buying a bikini in Espirit instead. The tankini's colours, I personally felt, were just a bit dull for her. The bright and sunshiny one she got really suits her better somehow. =)

Went to G2000 to get Xinrong her office apparel, then we chanced upon a Shape Singapore roadshow. They were offering free makeup. They just had to get the magazine and hand in the form, then wear the Bossini apparel and take a picture. I must say the makeup artist is really good! Their makeup really was very glamorous! I couldn't stop looking at Xinrong's eyes. The makeup was just so... hypnotic.... Didn't try it myself, glad to a certain extent really. Don't think there was anything there of my size but it would have been fun to see what I could end up looking like........

~

The next day I rushed about after morning tuition to get the remaining stuff I had to buy to make up Jiahui's birthday package. Xinrong still had a bit of her apparel to buy so we met up at Causeway Point with Zhixian and walked about in search of a bottom to match the shirt Zhixian bought and the jacket suit Xinrong was looking out for. At the same time I moved along rapidly to pick up what I could in Woodlands cause I had recced for her gift earlier. Her gift consisted of a red pen, a cushion, a notebook, a chocolate bar and a cane. Yup, that's right, a cane, as in the one that mothers used to use to beat their children. No worries, I'm not encouraging corporal punishment now that she's advancing to NIE, have got reasons for why I chose these gifts.

Red pen (I feel so damn apologetic, in the end I forgot to bao1 it in with the rest of the stuff): To make big red crosses on the students' work when they don't do their work properly

Cushion: Used for hugging when upset or to use as a cushion when in danger of getting a backache

Notebook: Used to write down notes, can be used as journal, good for venting purposes really

Cane: To wave around at home in times of frustration when the kids are getting too much

Chocolate: In case the above gifts are not acceptable, here's a universal gift that should be quite acceptable. My Aunt thought it could be used to sweeten Jiahui up when she's feeling down as well. =)

Peixuan bought a really interesting gift with amusement in mind too. It was a woodpecker that would peck down a pole when one touched it. Really fun gift! I should go to that store she mentioned in Raffles City one day and have a look for myself...

We ate at the Genki Sushi Tokyo Dining. Interesting place really, got very good ambience and looked to be pretty expensive but ended up being still quite affordable. Still, would probably prefer Suki Sushi to it, maybe cause it didn't look to be as high class and it made me feel more relaxed. The fact that it was a buffet also helped I guess, made me less worried about chalking up an expensive bill... *guilty and embarrassed*

In the end, we went to Pacific Coffee to sit down and chat. Love the settees! Still, I can't believe they are so inflexible. Do you know that they do not accept NETS? Isn't Nets the same as cash?! What is a person like me, who has forgotten to draw money, to do when they don't receive nets or my Masters since my purchase was too small? Luckily, Jiahui and Peixuan came to my rescue or it would have been awfully embarrassing and ugly. That is the whole reason why we can never be rid of paper money as there are still merchants out there who refuse to receive anything other than the real thing...

Next would be Peixuan's birthday, that's going to be even more tricky than Jiahui's birthday, better start cracking my head before it's late again....

Side note: Am progressively chalking up my 18 signatures for my POSB debit card. Once I've gotten those 18 I think I can relax and stop making purchases everywhere...

Worries about the FPA

2005-07-20T03:57:00.000+08:00

Mentioned a meeting of some sort haven't I?

I'm actually a member of a student's club in SIM, the Film and Performing Arts Society (FPA), the ex VP to be exact. Just when I thought that our year was not too great, I worry that this year's batch may end up being worse than we were. Turns out that this year a lot of the people on the committee were more or less coerced and persuaded to come into the comm. Other than that, quite a few work and cannot commit the time required of them to make the orientation a success.

Went to help out in the two day school orientation. Couldn't really believe how little preparation had been done. Luckily somehow we still managed to pull the thing together. Not a great talker to strangers myself, so I didn't really manage to convince too many people. Luckily we have Adrian, Eric, Jason, Peilu even Zizhe on board or we wouldn't have managed to get as many people as we have. Hopefully out of the many who have expressed interest there are enough of them who genuinely want to be in and contribute to the club.

They'll meeting up with Benny to discuss about the play this evening. Hopefully everything goes well. Would very much like to be there but I happen to be teaching today and can't make it This sucks! I always seem to miss the most important meetings.. grrrr.....

~ ponders~

Oh well, perhaps it's better this way. I'm retired after all and shouldn't be so meddling. As much as I would like to help, there is a point where it borders on intruding on their committee. Will provide assistance as and when they need it. =)

Am now only worried about the 29th. Have they got any of the details ironed out at all at the moment? What games have they planned? How long for each game? What time to meet? Where to meet? How many would turn up? What food are they preparing to have? These are but a few basic questions that I would like to know that they have answers to. Hopefully they have started making calls to the freshies to ensure their attendance. If not... Let's just say it would be bad if no one but ourselves are to turn up for this year's Sentosa...

Sigh...... I'm a worrier alright....

Online gaming

2005-07-19T04:13:00.000+08:00

I don't think I'm too suited to playing games online. Sigh...

Was introduced into the world of online monopoly by my brother, quite enjoy it but hate it when the opponent is 1)relentless 2) too nice and especially hate it when my game hangs. Was having a great game with a nice person and all of a sudden, my game dies on me. And I could possibly have won that game too! It really sucks for this to happen.

Am now just delaying time before I have to go do my dreaded task. The hanging of clothes.

Teaching at 3 so would have to do it sometime soon, now would be a great time actually. Still, lazy Mingmei is trying to drag it out for a while longer. ;0p

Pouring and pretty cool today so it feels like a perfect day to laze about, hmm.... Better remember to bring a sweater to Timothy's, can be quite cold there with such weather...

No delaying anymore! Must go carry out my mission now! Maybe when I come back I can start to backtrack and talk about last week ya? Tata.....

Haircut

2005-07-17T14:16:00.000+08:00

Went to Yess Salon to get a haircut after my tuition session today.

Though I had not intended to get any stylist in particular to cut my hair, I have to admit I was a little disappointed that Lancelot wasn't around. Seeing that his namecard wasn't there, I thought he no longer worked at the place.

It wasn't that he was exceptionally handsome or anything like that, it was the fact that he was nice to me, even though I was a mere mei4 mei4and probably didn't look like I've got a lot of purchasing power. In my lifetime I have met loads of hairstylists, mostly female, some male, and most are nice but for various specific reasons. For eg, Aunt Liping was nice cause she knows my Mum from way back, Aunt Jennifer was nice because I had always gone to her salon when I was younger. The rest were nice cause they were hoping to push hair products. A few are not even nice. Therefore it struck me when he was so gentle, nice and I guess xi4 xin1 with my hair. Not only did he not push the products, when I asked for recommendations for hair products he seemed to hesitate and didn't recommend much. It felt like he knew I probably didn't have too much money and was thinking to help me save money...

Zhixian mentioned once that there are many cases whereby there are girls who find themselves liking their male hairstylists, I suppose I do like him, but not in the same way lah. I like him in the way that I'd probably always trust him with my hair. ;)

Turns out Lancelot's off to Australia to work. He must be really pretty good to be sent overseas to work I guess. I wish him success in his work!

The lady who cut my hair today was Linda. Guess what! She was the assistant manager! Wow! I didn't realise that I was so lucky. In any case, I'm pretty happy with my hair now. It's getting a little bit more pong4, think some time next month I'd probably want to get it rebonded again. Sigh.... Another expense expected down the road...

Now if only my family were a little more supportive. My Mum said my hair hardly looked cut at all! Psst! At least I know better, I got to see the hair collected on the floor after the cut. It's lighter, I feel better about it, and that's all I care about. =)p

Was going to go backward and write about the orientation and our night out at Zouk but maybe I'll leave it for tomorrow or something. Not really in the mood to write a whole lot today. Till the next time, ciao!